


Nothing but kindness

by miss_Carrot



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cat BB-8, Foster Care, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kid Fic, M/M, Nightmares, Single Parents, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2018-09-14 13:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 50,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9184024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_Carrot/pseuds/miss_Carrot
Summary: It is never too late to start living the way you always wanted. Months after an accident that left him widowed Poe Dameron finds himself with a house in the suburbs, a white picket fence, a big fat cat, and a skittish little girl to take care of. But it’s not easy for Poe to give someone a safe, stable home when he is still struggling with his grief – and that is certainly not the end of his problems. To absolutely no one's surprise, one Mr Finnegan Jones, a kind and supportive (and unfairly handsome) social service worker, brings in as much trouble as he is of help.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is mostly my wishful thinking embodied. Please bear with me.
> 
> Some notes for the foster care system mentioned here. Obviously it's imaginary, and in it's very idea it's much more glitter-and-rainbows that any existing system could ever be, I think. To give some details: I used the UK legal framework as a reference, the "real life" elements are based more on the local (i.e. Polish) stories/problems, though I researched as widely as I could, given my language limits. I did my best to treat the issues of foster care and adoption with the respect and attention they deserve, but please don't hesitate to point out any shortcomings here.
> 
> Also, please feel warned. The burn is so slow that you may not notice that anything is actually burning. Think the sloths from _Zootopia_ slow.
> 
> Huge thanks to people involved in this text: my dearest sister, manarai, bardzo_czarny_kot, lucyinthesky, and Sadako.

The house was about to explode, and Poe along with it. He was hungry, exhausted, and so angry with himself that he would kick his own butt several times, had he only a moment to spare. Out of all moronic, irresponsible things he could have done he _of course_ had to forget that the social services were scheduled for a visit on Thursday, not Friday. How did it happen given all the reminders he’d set was beyond him. But right now the house looked like a battlefield, all foster-related documents were missing in action, BB-8 was yowling locked in Poe’s bedroom and probably tearing his curtains in shreds, and Kū was…

Stars above, Kū was probably hidden in her bedroom shaking with fear. With a sigh he kicked the vacuum cleaner back into the closet and knocked lightly on Kū’s white door.

“Hey, little one,” he called softly when no reply came. “Are you safe in your fortress?”

“No,” came a muffled reply.

When she first came here, Kū was so unsure of the surroundings that she hid in various nooks of the house, most of which weren’t actually the safest places for a kid. After he found her curled against the vacuum cleaner in the closet, Poe bought some sheets and strings, and together they built a tent of sorts over Kū’s bed. It was her fortress, in which she could hide safely and he promised her never to intrude. But now she wasn’t there which was more unnerving that everything else today.

“Where are you, then? Can I come in?”

“No. No one can come in!”

“Kū, kiddo. Social services are not here to take you away,” he said for what felt like thousandth time. But frustrating as it was, he couldn’t blame her, not really. Poe himself couldn’t shake this fear off, and he was the grown-up one here. “Ms Phasma just wants to talk with us for a while, to make sure that you are happy.” He sighed again and leaned his forehead on the doorframe. If only were it so simple. Heavens, he was so unprepared for this. “No one will take you away, I promise. I won’t let them. But I need to come in to check if you are safe.”

“Okay.”

He entered the room and scanned all the usual places – bed fortress, writing desk, armchair – but Kū wasn’t there. He was just about to call her when he saw the slightly ajar wardrobe door, and there she was, curled up and almost invisible under the pile of clothes. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she wasn’t crying; her mouth was set in a thin line.

“I’m not letting them take you away either,” she whispered as Poe scooped her up in his arms. “We’ll run away and hide together. Promise?”

“Promise, little one. But we’ll have to go back for BB-8, we need someone to defend us!”

Kū nodded and hugged him closer, and Poe would be happy with just that. But Ms Phasma was due in a few minutes and if he didn’t make his kid and his living room at least somewhat presentable, they would indeed need someone to defend them.

“Look, I need your help. Go to my room, let BB-8 out, and play with her for a moment, okay? I think her ball is under the…”

Then the doorbell rang, at least three times louder that it usually did. Or at least it seemed so. Poe gave Kū the most reassuring smile he could muster, and she smiled too, even though her mouth was a bit wobbly.

“I’ll bring BB-8,” she whispered, nodded to herself, and ran off.

With one last glance at the chaos that was his living room Poe squared his shoulders, went to the door, and opened them, only to find a sharply dressed door-to-door salesman at his threshold.

“Can I help you?” he asked, trying and probably failing not to sound unpleasant. The guy looked at him, then at some papers which he clutched under his arm, and then at him again. Then he patted his pocket nervously and produced an ID badge out of it.

“Good afternoon sir, my name is Finnegan Jones and I’m a social services counsellor, ID number FN-2187. I have an appointment with Mr Poe Dameron,” he recited, flashing his badge in Poe’s face. The speech sounded rehearsed, and the counsellor himself looked as if he could faint any moment now. Poe wasn’t sure what to do with it – he was expecting Ms Phasma, who had been guiding him through the whole process. She was a heartless, terrifying bureaucrat, sure, but at least she was familiar. This guy here was – unsettling, to say the least. “Can I come in?”

“Of course. I’m Poe Dameron,” he said, reaching his hand out for a handshake. Mr Jones tried to do the same, but he still clutched his badge, so there was an excessive amount of fumbling before they could greet properly. “Please come this way. I’ll, uh, I’ll bring you some water.”

What the hell, he thought, pouring the water for them and for Kū. Why on Earth would they send to him such a green counsellor, probably just out of school? Because he was so good, or so screwed that they didn’t want to waste their actual qualified staff? Well, there was only one way to find out.

“Stay calm, stay calm,” he heard Mr Jones talking as he approached the room. Immediately he looked out for Kū, but she wasn't there.

“I am calm,” he replied, setting his tray on the table. Mr Jones jumped slightly in his seat and Poe could swear he started to blush.

“I was, uh... I was talking to myself,” he admitted, looking away and yes, certainly blushing. Stars above, Poe thought, the kid was infuriating. Kind of cute too, with his huge eyes and sheepish smile, but mostly infuriating. “I am really...” he trailed off, took a deep breath, and straightened up in a failed attempt to look professional. “I am ready to start our session now, Mr Dameron. So, how's Kū settling in?”

“Well, I think,” Poe said with a nod and closed his eyes for a second. It's not like he rehearsed a speech, he didn't need that to talk about Kū, but he might have prepared a few points to mention to the counsellor. Now the problem was to remember them all. “She is much calmer, doesn't try to hide so much around the house or run away when she feels unsure. We talk a lot now, she is much more open than at the beginning. And the cat helps too, they're inseparable and it makes Kū relaxed.” While it wasn't the whole truth – Kū still needed her safe places very much, and she didn't talk a lot by any stretch of imagination – Poe didn't feel like he'd lied. She was calmer and happier than before, they _both_ were doing better, and he wouldn't have this greenie here leaving with any wrong impressions.

“I'm happy to hear that, really. I was afraid that…” Jones glanced at the stack of papers, reached for them, but then withdrew his hand. Poe wasn’t sure what to make of it. “Has her sleeping pattern improved? And how about the nightmares?”

“She still has them sometimes,” Poe admitted with a slight wince. This wasn’t easy. She woke up screaming, or worse, didn’t wake up and just thrashed on her bed, whimpering. “But I’m a light sleeper, I usually hear if there’s something going on. And the cat helps, really.”

“The cat?” Jones blinked at him, as if unsure what Poe meant. Seriously, the guy might be cute, but he didn’t seem the brightest one of the lot. “Do you mean that the cat sleeps on Kū’s bed?”

“Is this something wrong?”

“No, of course not, I just… Anyway, if she’s better, then... Um… Do you think I could… Hey, what’s this smell?”

“It’s just – shit, that’s the dinner!”

Poe could swear that he’d set the timer when he put the casserole into the oven, but apparently he didn’t, and the damn thing not only burned, but started to give out a foul stench and even some smoke. He took it out, burning the side of his left hand, hissed out a nasty swearword under his breath and threw the dish into the sink. The burn throbbed, the whole house smelled, and this day was officially the worst.

“Sorry for that, I forgot to set the timer, I don’t usually… do that,” he added after a pause. Mr Jones, who was quickly filling in some forms and marking endless columns of checkboxes, looked up at him, his gaze focused and searching. Poe curled up his fists, doing his best not to squirm, and couldn’t but hiss at the sting of the burn. “You were saying?”

“You’ve burned yourself, please take care of it,” Jones said instead, firmly but not unkindly. “Then I’d like to speak with Kū, if she’s up to it.” The last part seemed to be directed more towards the hall than to Poe, which was weird but not more so than the other things Jones did. “Seriously,” he added, giving Poe a smile which, for the first time, was neither unsure nor apologetic. “At least put it under the cold water for a while.”

Poe acquiesced, and he even found some cooling ointment in the junk drawer. What happened, he wondered, applying it. Did he take pity because of the goddamn casserole? The sharp scent of menthol mingled with the fetor of burned food, creating a truly appalling mixture, so he hurried out of the kitchen and paused in the living room door, seeing Kū hanging in the doorframe on the other side of the room. She didn’t notice him, focused completely on Mr Jones, who was watching her with a smile on his face. BB-8, squished in her arms, gave out a quiet hiss of warning.

“Go away,” Kū demanded with a pout. “BB-8 will scratch you if you try to take me away.”

“I don’t want to take you away, I promise.” Mr Jones’ voice was suddenly free of the nervous tremble, and the gestures of his hands – slow, placating – seemed absolutely controlled. “I will do everything so you can stay here. But first I want to get to know you better. Is that all right?”

“Yes,” Kū agreed, and after a moment she put the cat on the floor. “But BB-8 first.”

BB-8 walked slowly towards Mr Jones, keeping her distance; Poe could see that Kū’s eyes were trained on the cat, observing each sway of the tail. Huge, orange-and-white striped and with a tear in her right ear, BB-8 didn’t look like a perfect pet for a child. Poe couldn’t but wonder if there was a place for her in Mr Jones’ forms and checkboxes too. Finally, when the cat was within his reach, Mr Jones leaned towards her and extended his hand. BB-8 sniffed it, paused for a moment, and then patted it with her paw a few times, gauging the reaction. With a small nod Kū produced the cat ball from her pocket and rolled towards her, which got the cat’s attention immediately.

“You can play with her now,” she allowed Mr Jones, with the air of a queen granting a great favour. “You can throw her a ball, like this.”

“That’s great!”

Poe wanted to intervene, but before he uttered a word, Mr Jones knelt down on the floor – the floor which Poe didn’t vacuum before, covered with crunches, cat fur, bits of Crayola, and any other dirt known to mankind – reached for the ball and threw it towards BB-8. The cat leaped towards it, and Kū clapped her hands. They played for a few moments – Poe couldn’t not notice how Mr Jones’ elegant slacks looked more and more like a furry costume with every passing minute – and finally Kū threw a ball just over BB-8’s head so well that the cat caught it mid-flight.

“Did you see that? Did you see that!? Now that was a great throw and a great catch!” Mr Jones exclaimed with a huge grin plastered on his face, and to Poe’s delight Kū smiled a little too. “Can I come visit you again to play with you and BB-8? It was fun!”

“Yes,” Kū agreed, scooping up the cat again and retreating towards the hall.

Mr Jones waved at her until she disappeared, and then scrambled up and turned to Poe. He was still smiling, and Poe couldn’t but smile back at that.

“You are good with kids,” he said before he could stop himself. What a stupid thing to say to someone who worked with children every day. Besides, now Jones could think that he wanted to manipulate him or something like this. But instead of getting angry, Jones coloured up and looked away again.

“Yeah,” he agreed with a shrug. “Pretty hopeless with the rest of the stuff though. I mean, uh – I shouldn’t have said that.” There was nervousness in his movements again, and he looked at his papers as if they could save him somehow. “I’ll just… There’s the report from the visit that needs to be confirmed, so I’ll send it to you later today. And, yeah, the next visit needs to be scheduled, but…”

“Wait, that’s it?” Poe interrupted, disbelieving. It couldn’t be true, it couldn’t just work like this, not for him. “That’s the assessment? Do I – do I get to keep her?” he added in a small voice. He must have walked towards Mr Jones without realising it, because they were inches away now, with Poe’s hands grasping Jones’ forearms. It took a surprising amount of effort to withdraw them.

“I am not here to take her away, Mr Dameron, I promise.” It was exactly what Mr Jones told Kū, said in exactly the same placating voice, but instead of irritated Poe felt strangely reassured. He didn’t know this man at all, but he didn’t look like someone who would lie to a child, so maybe he wasn’t lying to Poe right now either. “I am here to make sure that Kū has a happy, loving home. I am here to help you keep her and take care of her.”

It was as if he let out air he didn’t he’d been holding in his lungs. Poe suddenly felt dizzy and weak around his knees, and he had to sit down for a while. Mr Jones was watching him intently as he collected his papers; there was a frown on his face instead of a smile, but Poe was too relieved to worry about that now.

“The mandatory visit of a counsellor should be made at least once a month, but given the previous reports about Kū’s progress and her foster care history, I’d recommend short weekly visits, at the beginning at least, so I can monitor her situation better,” said Mr Jones, jotting something down. “Will that work for you?”

“Yeah, yes, of course.” Still in the haze of his victory, Poe didn’t really pay much attention to what was happening around him. He nodded and smiled, and even wrote down the date at Mr Jones’ request. Only when he was opening the front door his mind snapped back to the reality enough to ask a question that was bothering him the whole time. “Mr Jones, could you tell me – why Ms Phasma didn’t come here today? She was our counsellor during the acceptance process, so I thought…”

“Do you…” Jones paused, looking suddenly pained, as if Poe’d hit him straight in the gut. But after a moment he cleared his throat and continued, in a stronger voice, “would you prefer Ms Phasma to be your regular counsellor, Mr Dameron? All our employees are equally qualified to provide support to the families in our care, but of course a change of the regular counsellor can be arranged, if you so require.”

For some reason Poe was sure that this phrase was well-rehearsed as well.

“No, of course not,” he said, and reached out his hand. “I look forward to our next meeting, Mr Jones.” Which, to his own surprise, wasn’t entirely a lie. Whoever he truly was and whatever his intentions were, this guy here didn’t seem to be his enemy. But still, as soon as the door closed behind Mr Jones, Poe leaned against them with a heavy sigh, relishing in the feeling of the absolute relief.

“Kū, do you want pasta with tomato sauce for dinner?” he called, grinning to himself like a madman. He couldn’t keep it from his face.

He did it. He tricked them all and got to keep Kū, and now maybe he even found an ally.

*

He couldn’t move. The seatbelts were strangling him, the door was locked, Muran was dying beside him, covered in blood. The goddamn car could blow up every second, he had to call for help, he had to save him, and he couldn’t move, couldn’t move, couldn’t move…

Suddenly there was a noise and he sat up, panting heavily, and looked around. He was in his bedroom, and the house was eerily quiet in the grey light of an early morning. It took him a moment to shake off the panic from the dream and only then he saw Kū hovering in the door.

“Hi, little one,” he whispered, voice hoarse. Did he cry out in his sleep so loud? “I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“Did you have a nightmare?” Kū asked, taking a few steps in his direction. He nodded, and tried to give her a reassuring smile. Each time he comforted her after bad dreams he promised her that they never lasted, and she shouldn’t worry about them afterwards; now he had to live up to his own words.

“It was a bad dream, but I’ll be fine. Don’t worry and go back to bed, kiddo.”

Kū nodded and disappeared in the darkness of the hall. With a deep sigh Poe leaned back on his pillow and covered his face with his palm, forcing his thoughts away from the nightmare. He couldn’t let himself relive it now; he had to focus on the day ahead. Hell, he could even get up right now and do something useful, like working on his project or scrubbing the casserole dish, for example. But then he heard patter of bare feet on the floor and something warm and heavy was dropped on his stomach, pushing all the air out of his lungs for a moment.

“Ow, BB-8, get off of my bladder,” he groaned as the cat started to knead his blanket immediately, readying herself for another nap. Kū stood beside his bed, watching him closely, so he didn’t dare push BB-8 away.

“It’s good to cuddle her after a nightmare,” she explained, and he hated the air of experience behind this statement. Then, after a long pause, Kū patted his head awkwardly, pressing his hair to his forehead. “Don’t cry, it’s just a dream,” she said seriously, and marched out of his bedroom without looking back.

Poe listened closely to the small sounds in Kū’s bedroom, gritting his teeth as BB-8 kneaded his stomach mercilessly. Taking deep breaths, he tried to calm down and fall asleep again, but Kū’s visit made him almost as agitated as the nightmare. After a while it became obvious that he wouldn’t sleep again; he snatched BB-8, despite her screeching protests, and deposited her at the door of Kū’s bedroom. She shot him a murderous glance and wandered straight to the bed fortress, where Kū was sleeping curled up in a ball.

His phone showed almost 5 AM, which was early but not absurdly so, thus his boss would not nag him for keeping unreasonable hours if he logged into the work servers right now. Poe settled with his laptop in the living room – still not vacuumed, by the way – and was about to start working when he saw an e-mail alert which he’d set for the foster care centre’s domain all these months ago. Indeed, there was a message from Finnegan Jones, written so formally and impersonally that it could have come from an internet generator as well. Poe found attached the report for his perusal, and scrolled down to kindly confirm the safe receipt and acceptance of its contents in its entirety, when he spotted a short paragraph below. _I’m sending you also some materials about the individual foster care plans_ , it said. _I think Kū would benefit from it, and we could discuss developing one next week, if you so decide. Please let me know._

Poe opened the materials, skimmed through pages full of the stock photos of happy families dancing through meadows and colourful logotypes, and stopped at a yellow frame with bolded black text. _The first step of each individual foster care plans is setting the permanency goal – be it adoption, independently, or reunification with the birth family._ With a sigh Poe closed the document; he was so unprepared for this. Instead he opened the report and read through it briefly. It didn’t mention the mess in the house or the burned food, but instead it stressed the possibility of Kū having troubles with adjusting to the new situation – _despite the dedicated attention of her current caregiver_ , the report acknowledged – and the necessity of enhanced monitoring and support for the family. Well, fair’s fair, Poe decided as he wrote back an equally impersonal message, accepting the report in its entirety. He didn’t acknowledge the additional materials in any way; he would deal with the problem when Mr Jones would come next week. As for now, he could pretend that there were no long-term goals for him to set, and just enjoy the fact that a little person came to comfort him when he was scared at night.

*

They were sitting in the garden waiting for Mr Jones, and this time Poe felt like he was the perfect housewife. He made sure all appliances were turned off before he went to the garden, vacuumed every floor and raked the lawn, and even prepared some home-made lemonade – mostly for Kū, but he would offer some to Jones as well. No one could say that he didn’t know how to correct a poor first impression.

Not that it happened frequently, though. He used to be rather charming, before.

He saved his work, closed the laptop, and looked out at Kū, who was folding colourful paper fans on a blanket spread on the grass. With her brows frowned and her tongue stuck out, she was an embodiment of concentration and Poe chuckled to himself, shaking his head. He used to be similar when he was a kid – when something interested him, it sucked him in immediately and he forgot about the whole world around. She must even have looked similar to him, he supposed, with her tiny brown hands and head full of black curls.

“Good afternoon! I hope that I’m not interrupting your work?”

Mr Jones was standing by the gate, clutching a stack of papers again, but he seemed less nervous than the last time. Yet he was still wearing a suit and a tie, and Poe felt a sudden relief that he put on some jeans instead of the khaki shorts he was wearing all day. He left Mr Jones and his papers at the garden table and went for the lemonade, to which he added a generous amount of ice cubes (or fishes, actually – Kū seemed to like them). How this man didn’t melt underway was beyond him. But when he got back, Jones wasn’t sitting at the table, but on the blanket instead, folding paper fans under Kū’s close supervision.

“What is it for?” Jones asked, handing her a finished piece which she added to the stack of others. “A garland?”

“It’s for a dragon’s tail,” Kū said, giving him an unimpressed look and another piece of paper to fold. She didn’t want Poe’s help earlier on, and he did his best to stifle the jealousy. The guy was good with children, though. “We’re making a dragon to fly up in the air, a, uh…”

“A kite,” Poe supplied with a smile, and she smiled back. Well, screw Jones, child-whisperer he might well be. Poe was getting Kū to smile more and more frequently now, and that’s what mattered. Kū nodded, and turned her attention to the paper squares.

Jones finished folding another one and got up, walking to the table and smiling broadly at the sight of lemonade. He all but drained his cup in one go with a delighted sigh and looked at Poe with a smile, as if to say something, but then Poe could see something snap back in the man’s head and the easy manner was gone within a heartbeat.

“Well, yes, I, uh… I’m glad to see that Kū is less anxious today and doesn’t hide away from me,” he said with his usual nervous tremble. “Would you consider her interactions with strangers generally improved?”

“I – I don’t know,” Poe admitted, cursing internally. How could he not know such a thing, what parent would say _I don’t know_ about their child? But well, he had to barrel on now. “We don’t really go out much, and then she barely interacts at all, even when addressed directly. She usually just hides behind me, then.”

Mr Jones nodded, but it looked more like he was nodding to himself. “I thought so. While it might be good idea to shield her for a while, she also needs help with dealing with other people, so she doesn’t become alienated. She’s six, that’s a difficult age even without any other disturbances. Do you plan to send her to school?”

“Yeah, I – yes, I think so. I don’t think I could handle home-schooling, and besides, I’ll have to get back to the regular office hours in autumn, probably.” It was a thought which he pushed away to the back of his mind each time it resurfaced. Not only because Kū seemed too vulnerable to be left alone in a strange place full of strange people, but also because he couldn’t imagine himself going back among the people who knew him before and who saw him after the accident. Who’d think that Poe Dameron, charmer extraordinaire, would become a recluse in less than a year.

“In this case we have to prepare Kū for the shock. I mean, I’m not saying that there will be anything wrong, but a new school can be a handful for any kid, and she definitely requires some special attention. I’ll get us an action plan for this for the next meeting.” Mr Jones was speaking very quickly, but then paused abruptly, looked up in Poe’s eyes and then away. “Which brings me to… uh…”

“The individual plan thing,” Poe saved him, feeling a bit guilty. He could have at least write something on how he’d consider it, in a _thanks-but-no-thanks_ way, but it slipped him somehow, and that irritated him now. “Well, I don’t really think it’s necessary. Kū is doing better every day, she’s settling in, she’ll start school in September and everything is going to be okay. I don’t think we need a plan to send her away to her _father_ …”

“Mr Dameron, that’s not what I…”

“…because her father obviously didn’t want her in the first place!”

“Mr Dameron, please calm down. Please,” Jones repeated, but his tone wasn’t supplicant at all. “I think Kū got upset and hid away. Do you know where she might have gone?”

“Oh shit.” He ran towards the house, cursing his own stupidity in his head. How could he act like that, how could he forget that Kū was there, listening? The door to her room were left ajar and he heard stifled weeping coming through. “Kū, kiddo, can I come in?” There was no real reply – the crying quieted instead, but he knew by now that it was her pretending that she wasn’t there. “Are you safe in your fortress? I’m coming in,” he announced. Kū was lying on the bed and weeping into her pillow to muffle the sound. Never in his entire life did Poe want to bang his head against a wall, and hard. “Hey, little one, please look at me. I’m sorry I shouted, I shouldn’t have. I didn’t want to upset you, I’m so, so sorry.”

“You lie!” came a muffled, sobbed reply, but she didn’t turn to him. Poe wanted to scoop her up and hug, but she would flinch away from him, so he squatted by the bed instead.

“I never lie to you, Kū. I never have and never will, you have my word.”

Only now she faced him, all red and puffy from crying. “You promised we’ll run away together,” she accused, hiccupping slightly from the weeping. “That you won’t let them take me away! And now you talk about going back to – to my father,” she all but shrieked, and burst in tears again. Somewhere in the back of his head Poe realised that it was probably the longest speech he ever heard from Kū. “You lie!”

“Hey, hey, baby, I will never let you go there again. Never. And I told Mr Jones that,” he said, reaching out a hand to her. She didn’t grab it, but didn’t recoil either. “I want us to stay together forever: you, me, and BB-8. Do you want this, too?”

“Yes,” she sniffed and eyed him suspiciously. “But you told him about getting me back to father. I heard you!”

“I think,” Poe said slowly, realising it for himself too, “that Mr Jones thought that you want this. Some kids do, you know?” She nodded, and Poe stifled a sigh. “How about we go to him and tell him that you want to stay here? How does it sound?”

“Okay.” Kū wiped her nose with the back of her hand – exactly how he asked her not to do – and took his hand to get out of bed. “We still can run away,” she said, walking beside him to the garden.

“We make him run away, we have BB-8,” Poe said with his best smile. Kū didn’t smile back, but nodded seriously. Thank Heavens for the cat, he thought not for the first time.

Mr Jones wasn’t waiting at the garden table; he was hovering around the garden door, walking in nervous circles. When he saw them, his whole face lightened up with a relieved smile.

“Oh thanks stars, you’re okay,” he said and knelt down to face Kū. “I’m so sorry I made you cry, Kū. I never wanted to do that. Can you forgive me?”

Kū nodded, and then squeezed Poe’s hand a little tighter, took a deep breath and said, “I don’t want to come back to my father. I want to stay here.”

“I understand,” replied Jones seriously. That was probably the trick, Poe thought absent-mindedly, he just didn’t treat Kū like a child, but like a person. A small person, but a person nevertheless. “I will write it in my report, so everyone in the foster care centre knows that, okay? And we will not talk about it anymore.”

“Yes,” she said, and after a while added, “thank you.” Then she tugged at Poe’s hand so that he bowed to her. “I will be in my fortress,” she whispered in his ear so loudly that it started ringing. He rose and watched her go, seeing in the corner of his eye that Jones did the same.

“I’m, uh…” he started, but Jones interrupted him, with a series of rather expressive hand gestures.

“Man, I’m so sorry about this. I mean – no, let me explain, I screwed it up all right and it’s all my fault. Let’s talk this through, okay?” He gestured towards the garden table and Poe followed him with a shrug. “I should have explained it from the beginning, and – oh shit, and I probably shouldn’t talk like that,” he added, suddenly miserable, and looked away again. “That was highly unprofessional of me, and I apologise for…”

“Jesus, don’t. Just – don’t recite these phrases at me,” Poe groaned, covering his eyes for a moment, but then he remembered himself and poured them both the remains of the warming lemonade. He really wanted to wash down this conversation with a cool beer instead. “Unprofessional is fine, seriously.”

“Is it?” Jones asked, disbelieving and hopeful, and suddenly he lightened up again. Poe barely supressed a smile.

“Sure, I like it better that way,” he assured. _I like you better that way_ , his mind supplied, but he managed not to say it aloud. Thank you for nothing, mind. “Okay then, explain the plan thing to me.”

“Well, the thing about foster care is that it’s not thought a permanent solution – it should lead to something. They mentioned it during the preparatory course, right?” Poe nodded, following the movement of Jones’ hands. He caught himself thought, and forced himself to focus on the speech instead. It wasn’t something he could afford to half-ass. “Of course, it may happen that a child remains in a foster family for a long period of time, but ideally, foster care should lead to one of three things: adoption, legal emancipation of the child, or returning them to the birth family. But it all depends on the case, okay? Hey, man, you following me here?”

“Yes, of course. I just – Kū cannot be adopted, there is this never-ending court case about her father’s parental rights. I’m sure you know far more details that I do.” Poe closed his eyes, congratulating himself internally for his civil vocabulary. “And she obviously must not get back to him. Not ever. She doesn’t want that.”

“So, you’d consider adopting her when her legal situation becomes clear, right?”

“I wouldn’t consider it, I would just do it – if I’m deemed eligible, that is. And I don’t think…”

“Aaand here is where the individual plan comes in,” Mr Jones interrupted, patting his papers, taking a folder out of it and pushing it towards Poe. “First, we set a permanency goal, keeping in mind the best interest of the child.  Here, it is you adopting Kū. Then we work towards it together, and we solve the problems as they arise. I provide you with support offered by the centre and our associates, and in the end we succeed and Kū thrives in a happy home. So, that’s the gist of it,” he said, stretching himself in the chair. “How does it sound?”

“Unrealistic,” Poe said, but smiled. Frankly, it sounded very good.

“Aww, man, have some faith in my counselling skills!” Mr Jones made a face, but he smiled too. “I’m not saying that it will be a quick thing, or an easy one, but we can do it. We can,” he repeated, more to himself than to Poe, it seemed. “Deal?”

“Deal.” He accepted the proffered hand. Jones beamed at him, as if Poe’d given him a gift, and pushed the folder closer to him again.

“Great. Then you have two things to do until the next week. First, you read very carefully through the pamphlets in there, and fill in the questionnaire. You fill it truly, and omit nothing, is that clear? I’m serious here, man,” Mr Jones said, and for a moment he looked not only serious, but knowing. As if Poe hadn’t tricked him at all.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll write everything, scout’s honour,” he said and looked away, just to shake off the feeling.

“Great. Then, I have an exercise for you and Kū which I want you to repeat as frequently as possible until our next meeting. You will go out together to places with many strangers – grocery shopping, walk in a park, this sort of thing – and just wander about. Kū doesn’t have to talk to anyone, it would be even better if she didn’t, she is just to be in such places. But go slow, and talk with her a lot, okay? Great,” he said at Poe’s nod, and grinned. “I have to go now, I’ll send you the report like the last time to confirm. Oh, and the next meeting – same as today, Thursday 4 PM? Write it down, man, and put on a fridge or something,” he insisted, pushing a pen and a scrap of paper in Poe’s general direction. “Good then, I’ll get going – no need to walk me back, you better go on and check on Kū.”

“No, but – thank you,” Poe said, standing up, and reached out for a handshake. “For helping me despite all this. I don’t usually get angry like that, I swear,” he added hastily, suddenly thinking about the report Mr Jones had to write about today’s visit.

“Good to know,” Jones replied, his gaze suddenly serious and assessing again. “Well then, see you next week. And good luck with the exercise!”

“Good luck indeed,” Poe muttered to himself as he watched the man go. He should feel happy and relieved, like the last time – he made it again, despite his royal fuckup – and yet he couldn’t shake off the feeling that Mr Jones somehow saw through him. Well then, he reasoned with himself, even if he did, he decided to play along for some reason. There was nothing to worry about.

Except of the fact that he now had to coax Kū for a walk in the park, that is.


	2. Chapter 2

*

That time Poe didn’t lie – he really didn’t get angry easily, he was always a fan of talking things down – the last week was trying as hell, and each single thing proved more irritating. First, the report Jones sent him of course mentioned his outburst and Kū’s panicked reaction, which was only fair, but he felt betrayed and exposed nevertheless. Then he started to work on the materials and the questionnaire, but it felt like a nasty vivisection more than anything. There was about two bajillions of very detailed questions about Kū’s behaviour and his parenting techniques, and answering to them – truthfully, as he promised – made him feel so inadequate that he had no words to describe it. And the fact that Mr Jones would be reading it soon didn’t make it any better. Then, there was the cursed _exercise_ , which was – oh stars above, the worst thing ever.

Actually it all went quite well – they went to the park twice, and at the second time Kū played on a seesaw with another kid, which Poe counted as a success even if there wasn’t much talking going on. But then they went grocery shopping and all went to hell, because an old moron had to scare the living daylights out of Kū while Poe was paying for the groceries.

“What a pretty girl you are,” the halfwit said, grinning at her, and Kū clutched at Poe’s leg immediately. But of course that wasn’t enough of a clue, because the moron had to reach out and say, “How about I take you with me, huh? I could use a pretty new daughter like you!”

And that was when Kū started screaming at a deafening volume – which was a surprise, because she was a very quiet child – Poe started to yell at the idiot, and the shop staff yelled at him in turn. When they made it home, Kū was on the verge of panic attack and insisted on closing all doors and windows in the house before she hid away in her bed fortress. Coaxing her out for meals or any other activities was a nightmare, and when he succeeded, she wouldn’t leave him ever for a moment. Which would be great at any other time, but not when he had to analyse three months’ worth of sampling results, draw some sensible conclusions, and write a recommendation – all on a deadline, of course. Hell if he could focus on the job right now.

“Come on, Kū, how about we eat some leek soup now?” With a sigh he turned from his laptop, only to see her clutching at a stuffed dinosaur and looking at the window. She did that a lot since that cursed grocery store trip. “Kū? Hey, can you help me set the table, kiddo?”

She didn’t reply, but dragged herself to the kitchen after him, watching around closely. With a resigned sigh he handed her the spoons which she put on the table, and heated the soup. It turned out that it wasn’t Kū’s favourite – either that or it was just too bland, but Poe was afraid to overdo with the salt like the last time. Despite his best efforts to chat her up, Kū stayed silent and sullen, only glancing at the window from time to time when she thought he wasn’t watching.

“Well then,” he ventured, putting the plates to the dishwasher, “how about we go for a walk, huh? To the nice park with the seesaws?”

“No,” Kū pleaded in a barely audible whisper, just as he expected. “I don’t want to go.”

“But that nasty man will not be there, okay? Just other kids and the seesaws, and…”

“I don’t want to go!” she shrieked and blinked several times, mouth trembling. It made his gut twist nauseatingly, and he squatted in front of her, trying to be reassuring.

“We’ll never go to that grocery store again, only to some nice places that aren’t scary. Okay? Today we stay at home, but tomorrow we go out to the park,” he said, as she gave him no reply. “Now let’s watch some Care Bears, all right?” Within the last three days Poe came to hate the Care Bears with the force of a thousand suns, but they seemed to have calming effect on Kū, so he bore it with as much patience as he could muster, and even started to hum along with the opening song. Never let it be said that he’d made no sacrifices in the name of good parenting.

He did his best to ignore the Care Bears and the feeling of guilt which pricked him each time he looked at Kū, but it didn’t help him focus on the job at hand. The sampling results got mixed in his head and he had to recalculate things all over again, but was still unsure about the final results at the end. Having resolved to pull an all-nighter to get this done on time, he brought up the kite they had been building together before and taught Kū how to tie the paper fans she’d made on a rope, so they created a long tail for the kite. While she was mostly working silently, and he regaled her with some silly, half-made up stories about flying kites, she at least didn’t watch the windows all the time.

“Tomorrow we go to the park to try the kite, if there’s any wind,” he said, mostly to see her reaction. She didn’t protest, but didn’t look thrilled either. And to think that she’d been so happy about the kite flying! “It will be fun, you know?”

Kū just nodded, and he barely stifled a frustrated groan. But before he came up with anything else to encourage her, his phone rang loudly from his bedroom. This was unexpected; recently his phone served more as an alarm clock than anything else. He was even more surprised when he saw the caller ID, _Temmin_ , flashing on the screen.

“Aww, Snap!” he said by way of a greeting, and heard a frustrated groan in reply.

“Seriously, Dameron, it stopped being funny at the hundredth repetition!”

“And now it’s vintage, you philistine. What’s up?” Poe couldn’t hold back a huge grin. It was absolutely refreshing to actually _talk_ with someone for a change, even if Snap wasn’t the best conversationalist in the area. “Missing me yet?”

“Sort of. Well, we’re on the clock a bit, so I just wanted to ask about the recommendations. Could you just send them over soon?”

“Holy shit, I see you’ve become some serious workaholic, thinking about this crap on Sunday! You’ll have them tomorrow morning in your inbox, no worries!” There was a long pause, and Poe could hear Snap sighing, and the Care Bears tackling the big baddie in the adjacent room. “Seriously, man, they’re almost done…”

“Monday,” interrupted Snap with another sigh. “Today is Monday, Poe. We really need the recommendations…” He paused, and Poe could hear some nervous exchange in the background. He could also hear his own blood pounding in his ears. Snap hummed in agreement and went on, “Okay, Jess says that we’ll work around them somehow, and just add them tomorrow first thing in the morning. Can you have them for tomorrow?”

“Yes,” managed Poe, “yes, of course. I’m so sorry, I don’t know how I could –”

“Don’t worry about it, just send them as soon as you can. Oh, and Jess says hi.” Poe could tell that Snap was angry and disappointed, and no wonder – he would be livid too. “Gotta go now, hang in there, will you?”

“Sure, you too.”

Poe sat on his bed after he hung up for a long while, burying his face in his palms. How many fuckups can there be in one week? And seriously, three days in a row without leaving the house and he was going mad; tomorrow he had to take Kū out for a walk, even if she protested.

“We’ll finish the kite tomorrow, little one. I have to finish my work now,” he explained to her as he got back to the living room. She just nodded, and he went to the kitchen and didn’t even kick anything on his way. Instead he made a plate of sandwiches, left them for Kū to eat if she so choose, and put on the new loop of Care Bears. Then he sat in the front of his laptop, stared at his tables and charts, and barely supressed the need to scream his lungs out. All this was probably wrong anyway; he’d have to recalculate it once again. He’d had to kill many people in his past life to deserve this.

By the time he finished the first batch of calculations, obtaining results which at least seemed plausible, the Care Bears mercifully finished their joyful dances, and Kū was sleeping on the couch with BB-8 curled around her. The sight made him feel both happy and guilty, but he decided not to dwell on it right now. He picked Kū up and put her to bed instead; in an afterthought he picked up BB-8 and put her on Kū’s bed too. The cat immediately resumed her previous position, blinking at Poe with one green eye.

Armed with a coffee and the sandwiches Kū hadn’t even touched, Poe sat down to resume his all-nighter, but he kept thinking about the terrified expression on Kū’s face when he mentioned a walk tomorrow. He knew that she needed to go out – they both did, clearly – but had no idea how to convince her to do so. Of course, he could just take her out despite any protests, but he didn’t even want to think how she’d act afterwards. It seemed a foul thing to do, to betray a child’s trust like that.

To hell with all that, he decided, and opened the last e-mail from Mr Jones. It might be humiliating, asking a virtual stranger for help like that, but he knew no one else to ask. _Hi_ , he wrote quickly, before he could chicken out, _a stranger scared Kū, threatened to take her away_ _when we were out for a walk, and now she won’t talk to me or leave the house. Any tips?_ He sent it before he read it through – it looked ridiculous in contrast with Jones’ formal style, and heavens, he did sound desperate. But it was a good decision, he told himself firmly – hopefully Jones would read it tomorrow morning and write back with some miraculous solution before the walk time. He grabbed a sandwich and was about to get back to work when a new e-mail alert flashed in the corner of his screen. Jones wrote back simply, _Can you talk now?_ Poe stared at the message for a while – it was late evening, did the foster care centre work shifts? – but then his phone rang loudly and he all but jumped in his seat.

“Dameron,” he said, swallowing the last bite of his sandwich.

“Hi, this is Finnegan Jones from the foster centre. Can you talk now?” It was a bit surreal, hearing Jones’ voice like that, close in his ear; in the silence of the house it seemed inappropriate.

“Yes, Kū’s sleeping – uh, sorry for troubling you so late, but it’s been three days since we left the house and I don’t know what to do.”

“Aww, man, you should’ve called sooner,” Jones exclaimed, and Poe could almost see him making a face and shake his head. “Okay, now tell me what’s going on.”

And Poe did – he told Jones about the small success with the seesaw, and how he failed in driving the creep away before he terrified Kū like that, and then about her silences and watchful eyes, and sheer panic at the notion of going outside.

“I don’t want to force her, but I have no idea how to convince her to go out, or even talk to me. But I can’t fuck this up even more,” he said finally, and only then he realised that he’d been whispering.

“You absolutely have to go out, but Kū needs to know that she is safe. You need to tell her that she did great – she screamed when she was in danger, that’s a very good reaction. And you have to validate her fear, but don’t go along with it,” Jones was talking quickly, and his voice became quieter for a moment; he was probably gesturing widely with the phone in his hand. Poe considered taking notes, but there wasn’t any goddamn pencil within his reach. “She needs to know that you understand her fear even if you want her to face it, and that you are at her side all the time. Following me here?”

“Yeah, sure,” Poe mumbled, as he imagined Kū’s reaction. She would probably just nod at him, and beg him not to go out. He let out a frustrated curse under his breath before he remembered himself. “Sorry, it’s just – she will be so unhappy…”

“It’s hard like hell, I know, but you both can do this,” Jones said, and then added, after a pause, “Actually, when do you plan this walk tomorrow?”

“Around five in the afternoon, when it starts to cool down – there’s plenty of kids in the Memorial Park by then,” Poe said. “Why?”

“Do you want me to come along? I could talk to Kū a bit, see for myself how she is doing. And she should feel better going with two people she knows, it limits the uncertainty.” It came out rushed, as if Jones was afraid that Poe would interrupt him. Frankly, it sounded a bit weird – either Mr Jones was the most dedicated social worker known to mankind, or Poe should get suspicious. But the thing was – he didn’t. He felt relieved instead.

“That would be great. Seriously, if you can get Kū to talk or – I don’t know, make her less scared at least…”

“I’ll do my best,” Jones assured. “Now try to worry a little less and go to sleep at a decent hour, okay? See you tomorrow, Mr Dameron.”

If he was absolutely honest with himself, Poe had no idea what had just happened. The call, the offer, and the words at the end – it all was unsettling, even though he could not pinpoint exactly why. Was Jones too invested in their case, or too observant for Poe’s liking, or just a kind man who wanted to help them out? With another curse Poe closed his eyes, forcing these thoughts out of his head. He’d decide the man’s intention tomorrow; as for now, he had a job to do.

*

There were things which Poe considered himself good at. They changed in time, obviously, but at some point of his life the list included composing cheesy love songs, mixing dirty martinis, solving for x, driving sleek sport cars, fixing various household appliances, chatting people up, playing with cats, or projecting aviation safety systems. As it turned out recently, he was also pretty decent at constructing kites. But dressing a little girl for a walk in a park – it was somehow beyond him.

Usually Kū dressed herself, an independent child that she was, and he would go along with her choice. Sometimes it would look funny or the colours would clash even to his untrained eye, but he was no fashionista and if she wanted to wear a yellow t-shirt with a blue truck along with pink leggings printed in Hello Kitty’s faces, he wasn’t going to stop her – all the judging mums in the park be damned. But the outfit Kū planned for today was even worse than that.

“You cannot wear a hoodie, kiddo. It’s too hot outside!” He pleaded again, wondering if it was her strategy to discourage him from the walk. It was working splendid so far. “Do you want the t-shirt with the orange pocket?” The t-shirt was new and clean, and of relatively pastel colours; it would be too good to be true if she had in fact wanted it.

“No. It has a hood!” Kū picked at the hem of her sweatshirt. “No one will see me when I put it on!” She illustrated her statement by pulling the hood on her head and tugging the strings so that almost her whole face was covered. “See?”

“You know it doesn’t work like that, don’t you,” he said, touching the tip of her nose lightly. “I can still see you.”

“It’s because you _know_ ,” she insisted. Poe took a few calming breaths and closed his eyes. He wasn’t going to win this one, it seemed.

They talked in the morning – well, mostly he did – and he told her all the wise things Mr Jones advised, and then some he found during his internet research in the wee hours after turning in the recommendations. After rather vigorous protests Kū accepted the inevitability of the walk, but she made him promise that she would be invisible. He just didn’t expect the hoodie.

“Kū, please, take the hoodie off now. We’ll find something else for you,” he tried, and of course it was when the doorbell rang. She squealed and tugged at the strings even harder. “It’s Mr Jones, he’s going with us, remember? Now out with the hoodie, and come say hi.”

The heat took its toll on all mortals alike, observed Poe with a sort of weird relief as he saw Mr Jones waiting on the threshold. He was without a tie, with his jacket tucked under his arm and his shirtsleeves were rolled up to his elbows.

“Kū’s not ready yet,” he said instead of a greeting. Which was at least a level higher than _You’re not wearing a tie_ , which he almost said. He probably should have taken a nap at least; all-nighters were good for undergrads. “Come on in, I have to make her stop wearing a hoodie, she insists that it makes her invisible to strangers.” He took a step back, inviting Jones in with a gesture. “But she’ll melt in this heat… Oh Jesus. I’m not ready yet either,” he all but groaned, catching a glimpse of his own reflection in the hall mirror. He was wearing his beloved ugly khaki shorts and a Batman t-shirt, which made a great outfit for many activities, none of which included his social services counsellor though.

“Hey, no worries, okay? We’re not going on a dinner date or anything, so as long as everyone’s decent…” Jones said with a shrug and a small smile. “Go get ready, and I’ll – oh, hello there!” he exclaimed at the sight of BB-8 who appeared from nowhere and started to brush her tail against Poe’s legs. “I’ll wait here for you and Kū. And bring an invisibility cloak with you,” he added, distracted by BB-8’s purring. She started to rub her head against the man’s shin, and Poe really hoped that the social workers received some sort of dry-cleaning benefit.

“A what?” he asked, blinking several times. He should have taken that nap.

“An invisibility cloak,” Jones repeated, squatting to pet BB-8’s head. “Don’t tell me you don’t have one. Just make sure it’s suited for the weather,” he added pointedly.

Invisibility cloak, for heavens’ sake, where was he to take it from? Kū knew the majority of his t-shirts already, and he didn’t think a shirt would work either. An invisibility cloak should be soft and thin and shiny, he thought to himself, putting on some pants which didn’t make him look like an overgrown scout. It should have some magical pattern, or silver stars, or –

Or he might have just the right thing up there in his closet.

Once upon a time, when they were a serious thing already but not engaged yet, he got a silk scarf as a birthday gift from Muran’s mother. It was a purple-and-silver, paisley-patterned thing that was worth probably more than half of Poe’s closet at that time, and it didn’t suit him at all. They laughed at it for hours, afterwards, and Muran promised him in mock-serious tone that he’d make Poe wear it for their elegant wedding on a bright October day, once they’d save enough to buy a coat to go along with it. But then they got married in June and the scarf stayed in the closet, forgot in one of the boxes. Muran would laugh so hard at this, he thought as he retrieved it from the box on the top shelf, he would wear the scarf like a cape himself and dance around the house, he would…

“Get a grip,” he muttered under his breath and went to the living room, where he could hear a quiet exchange going on. He stopped at the door, watching Kū closely. Her hair looked like a black curly nest, all messed up from the hood, and her face was slightly coloured-up from the heat. And, no small miracle, she was wearing the new and clean t-shirt.

“…and it’s really important that we stick to this plan. Okay?” Mr Jones was squatting in front of her, looking friendly but serious. He glanced at Poe, then at the scarf, and gave a minute nod.

“Okay,” Kū replied reluctantly, and looked at the window, and then back at Jones.

“Great! And look, here’s the invisibility cloak! It looks magical to me, what do you think?”

Kū turned to Poe, took in the scarf in its purple-and-silver glory, and her round brown eyes went even rounder with awe.

“It’s a princess cape,” she whispered reverently. “Can I have it? Just for a try?”

“Sure thing, kiddo.” Poe handed the scarf out with a smile. Had he known that princesses were a thing, he’d made her a tinfoil crown to wear with it, but last weeks were rather about planes and kites, and cats, and Care Bears. “Go on, check if it works.”

As soon as Kū draped the scarf over her shoulders, both Mr Jones and Poe confirmed that she was absolutely invisible and looked like a real princess. Poe tried and failed to examine the contradiction implied here – he was quite sure he had seen something like this in the internet once – but he decided to focus rather on putting sandals on Kū’s feet. She explained the details of the plan as he did so, with a little help of Mr Jones, on whom she bestowed the honour of carrying the cape for her.

“I put on the cloak when I’m afraid,” she said, mimicking Jones’ serious tone. “And it means that we have to go away.”

“Fine, but you have to tell me what the scary thing is, all right?”

When they finally left the house, it was good twenty minutes past five and Poe was squirming internally, just a bit. Mr Jones show no sign of impatience, walking on Kū’s left side with the scarf thrown over his shoulder as if he had no better place to be, but it seemed odd – except for the fact that he was here with them, he looked like he was after hours already. And yet, he accompanied them to the playground in the park and leaned on the fence alongside Poe, watching Kū climb a jungle gym.

“Not that it’s my business or anything,” he said out of a sudden, and Poe could feel the blood in his veins freeze, “but this invisibility cloak must have cost more than my suit. It doesn’t need to be like this, you know?” He turned to look at Poe, and there was something wistful in his gaze, as if the scarf evoked some memories in him too. “It could have been anything.”

“It was a – a gift I got years ago and never used,” he replied with a shrug, trying to be casual, but probably failing. “I mean, it’s probably more expensive than any of my clothes too, but it hardly matters if it’s never used, does it.”

“I guess so.” With a small shrug Jones turned his eyes back to Kū, who was listening to another girl climbing the jungle gym and nodding eagerly. “I’m happy to see that Kū interacts with other children without much trouble,” he said, as if the topic of the scarf was never mentioned. “I was a little worried about that, it’s part of why I wanted to come along today. But all things aside, she doesn’t seem shy.”

“She plays with other children just fine,” Poe agreed, strangely relieved, as if he was due any credit for it. “But never talks with them too much, and doesn’t really – I don’t know, when I was a kid, I had a whole pack of best friends, we were really tight, and I talked about them a mile a minute when I was home. Kū just doesn’t do that, and I think–”

_I think she’s lonely_ , he almost said, but didn’t. He’d bet something valuable that Jones still heard it though.

“It will come in time, trust me. When she will go to school and meet with her classmates regularly, she will make friends just fine.”

Poe was looking at him from the corner of his eye, and there was that wistful smile again. Inappropriate as it was, he felt a sudden need to know what it meant, but before he verbalised his thoughts, Kū fell down from the bar into the woodchips. With a start he rushed towards the gate, but a sudden grip on his shoulder stopped him.

“Wait,” Jones said, withdrawing his hand immediately, “and look.”

Poe did, and saw Kū getting up, brushing the woodchips away and climbing the bars again, without as much as a squeak. The girl with whom she was playing asked something and Kū nodded, focused on her way up.

“You all right there, kiddo?” he called, more to keep his conscience clear than out of any actual need. Kū gave him a serious nod and a small smile – the first smile in days. It felt surprisingly rewarding.

“It will be fine, I promise,” Jones said quietly, sincerely, as if he’d been reading Poe’s thoughts. Sometimes it felt as if he actually did, which made Poe squirm; nothing good would come from letting himself be read so easily. But then Mr Jones took a step back and handed him the scarf, suddenly looking professional. “You just have stick to the plan and think positive. We’re seeing each other on Thursday the usual time, right?”

“…right.” This caught him off-guard. While he had no doubts about Jones’ qualifications, he rather liked the straightforward manner – much more so than the professional mask Jones sometimes assumed. Frankly, it seemed so unnatural that Poe managed to forget already that it was there in the first place. “Look, thank you for your time, for coming along – it means a lot to me, to us both. I don’t know what…”

“It’s okay, really – it’s my job, after all.” There was something stiff in Jones’ movements as he proffered his hand; he looked almost as bad as when Poe saw him first on his threshold. He felt sudden, nauseating urge to explain himself, to apologise, even though he had no idea what for – yet he felt no doubt that he just fucked something up, again. “See you on Thursday, Mr Dameron. Good bye, Kū!” he called, waving his hand at her, and then strode away quickly, without looking back.

Before he went back to watching Kū in the jungle gym, Poe observed Mr Jones walking away for a little while. Suddenly, just before he disappeared behind an ugly gazebo, Jones raised his hand to cover his eyes, as if a disaster had struck him right there and then. Poe averted his eyes, and focused solely on Kū’s squeals as she discovered the slide behind the jungle gym.

Whatever the disaster was, it was not his concern at all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The RL issues are quite pressing right now, but here goes a small update. Thank you all for your kind feedback for this story, it means a lot to me ♡ ♡ ♡

It was hard to say if it was very late, or very early – Poe made a point of not looking at the clock. He was working on his designs, determined to turn them in early this time, to somehow make up for that damned delay. He wouldn’t sleep well anyway. The heat was unbearable, and besides, there were too many thoughts tumbling in his head right now. And he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to sort them out, really. Working was easier.

The problem was that Poe had no idea what had actually happened at that playground – had he said something, or missed something important? – but it felt as if someone had turned a switch in Mr Jones’ head. When he came to his regular visit on Thursday, he was nothing but polite and professional, give or take his usual stammer. He had all the nice words for Kū, but didn’t sit with her on the carpet to play, and he had all the explanations and helpful comments for Poe, but didn’t utter a single word which would not seem textbook-approved. Even his usual report didn’t include any additional materials for Poe to read. Something certainly was off, but during the whole visit Poe didn’t work up enough courage to ask about it – and now he was mulling over it at the crack of dawn on Sunday morning.

And there was also the way he walked through the park back then, shoulders slumped, eyes covered. Which was – concerning, to say the least. Poe knew, rationally, that it was none of his business, and as long as it didn’t influence Jones’ work, he had no reasons to complain. And yet, he meant what he’d said – he really liked it all better the unprofessional way, and he didn’t want to cause Jones any distress. Not only because he could help Poe, but – but because he seemed to be a good man.

“Seriously, Dameron,” he muttered under his breath, sounding almost as exasperated as Jess would. He really didn’t need to create himself additional problems at the moment, he knew that, and yet here he was. Well, letting go was never his forte. Shaking his head he went to the kitchen for some snacks and, being a responsible adult, decided to eat an apple instead of reheating the quesadilla leftovers from lunch. He was just about to leave when he looked at the picture Kū had drawn during the last counselling session with Mr Jones, and paused with the apple halfway to his mouth.

He wasn’t there when she was drawing it – in fact, Jones asked him, politely but firmly, to leave the room for some time so he could talk with Kū unperturbed. When Poe opposed, Jones just quoted some regulations at him and finally Poe acquiesced and reiterated to the kitchen, venting out his frustration by setting the dishwasher and aggressively chopping some vegetables. Once he was admitted to the living room again after what seemed an eternity, there was a lot of paper and Crayola on the table, and Kū was mumbling something about reading books. She tried to cover her drawing with her hands, but finally agreed to show it to him upon Jones’ subtle insistence. In the middle there was a huge orange cat – BB-8, no doubt – with round pink nose, thick black whiskers, crooked claws, and toxic-green eyes which could probably shoot laser beams. On the right side of the cat monster was a small figure with black hair and yellow clothing, which was most probably Kū. On the other side, in the corner, there was another person, not much bigger than Kū but drawn in duller colours, which must have been him. BB-8 stood between them like a fiery wall, and Poe didn’t like the meaning behind this at all, even if he tried to feign ignorance and joke about Kū’s lacking appreciation for his fashion sense. Now the drawing hung on the fridge and he looked at it now and then, pondering over its meaning. Rationally he knew that it was too early for any serious bond to form between them, but still being the dull one in the faraway corner stung – probably more than it should.

He made himself a cup of tea and sat down on the couch, trying to sort out the mess in his head somehow before getting back to work, but he couldn’t focus on one single thought. The what-ifs and should-have-dones were spinning in his head, and suddenly didn’t know what he was thinking about a moment ago, he knew only that he wasn’t alone. There was a familiar voice calling him, but he couldn’t move, the gearshift was digging in his side, and the seatbelt was all but choking him, keeping him squeezed in place.

“You would have left me anyway,” Muran said, tipping his head so that Poe could see both sides of his face – the whole one and the one smashed into red pulp. “So maybe that’s for the best.”

 _No_ , he wanted to say but couldn’t, the seatbelts pushing the air back into his lungs. _I wouldn’t, not ever,_ he cried mutely, _we would work it through, I swear_. But then Muran turned to him fully, unhindered by the seatbelts, the shattered glass and torn metal piercing his chest, and gave him a smile which Poe had come to hate over the years.

“You have now all that you wanted,” he said bitterly, and there words came out of his mouth as red bubbling foam. “Don’t you?”

“No.”

He jerked up awake, blinking wildly and panting as if he’d just ran for miles. Something prodded at his side and BB-8 jumped out of the couch, burbling with displeasure. The sun was high up the sky, and his muscles hurt like hell after sleeping for several hours in a sitting position, with a stuffed dinosaur under his back. He stood up with a grunt, trying to stretch a bit, and only then he spotted Kū hovering at the door, watching him closely.

“Hello, little one. I just – did I wake you up?” Kū shook her head, but still kept her eyes trained on him, unblinking, as if she expected he’d do something terrifying any moment now. “Did I scare you?” he asked in a small voice, unsure if he should come over to her or keep his distance. She didn’t move either, but Kū shook her head again.

“Why do you have nightmares?” she asked instead, and he felt as if she’d hit him on the head with something hard. “Are you afraid that someone will take you away?”

“No, kiddo, I’m just–” _Broken. Guilty. Unsure. Terrified. Lonely._ “I’m just scared, sometimes, and then I dream of bad things. But I’ll be okay,” he added quickly, seeing her small pout. “It’s okay to be scared sometimes, right?”

Right?

After he stopped feeling more or less like a zombie and went to the kitchen to make some breakfast, he saw two things that made him pause in the door. First, Kū had set the table all by herself with all but glasses which were too high for her to reach, and now sat in her usual place. She rarely volunteered to help – she’d rather wait until asked – so her initiative counted as a great success in Poe’s book. Second, the timer on the stove showed almost noon. So he’d slept through the whole morning, and Kū was probably starving, but still didn’t wake him. Not much success here, then.

“Wow, you set the table all by yourself! That’s great, thank you!” he exclaimed, partially to cover up his embarrassment, and rushed to prepare something quick but substantial. He gave Kū a smile to which she responded in kind, which made him feel somewhat less miserable. “Hey, how about we eat some scrambled eggs, and then go for a walk along the riverbank? We haven’t been there yet, and it’s really nice place. And,” he added in a spur of genius, “we could take our kite. There’s a lot of place, and today it’s going to be windy.”

“Yes,” Kū said with more enthusiasm that he ever saw. Her smile widened, and there was a happy glint to her eyes. “Let’s fly the kite. Please,” she added after a moment, and Poe nodded. Yeah, that one was a success, definitely.

Luckily enough, his predictions about weather were true: cold front was coming and there would be a storm today night, but as for now the only indication was stronger wind and puffy white clouds. He showed them to Kū as they walked, telling her how they were made of water, and that would join until they make bigger clouds, and finally cause rainfall. One of the clouds looked kind of like an elephant to him and he said so; Kū argued that it looked more like BB-8, which was fair too, if Poe squinted enough.

There were quite many people strolling along the river, so they walked for a long while to find an empty spot; finally they left the snack bag and invisibility cloak under a tree, and unfolded the kite. Frankly speaking, Poe was quite proud of it. The design was simple: a thin wooden cross frame, a two-legged bridle, and long wings, all covered in fiery-red fabric. The colourful tails Kū’d crafted made it a little difficult to balance the whole thing, but after a few attempts he got it right, and now the kite was nothing if not a true dragon, just as Kū wanted it.

“Okay, wait a moment, kiddo, I left the spool in the bag,” he said, showing her how to hold the kite. “I’ll be right back.”

He retrieved the spool and was turning to head back to Kū, when he heard a familiar voice and froze mid-movement, shocked.

“I know you can do it,” Finnegan Jones said, with so much warmth and utter conviction in his voice that Poe found it suddenly hard do breathe. “If there’s anyone in the world who can, it’s you.”

Poe must have gasped, or made any other sound, because he heard a rustle and suddenly Jones was looking at him from behind the tree, as surprised as he was. But after a heartbeat his attention returned to the phone at his ear, and he smiled with affection, averting his eyes from Poe altogether.

“Right back at yourself,” he said, and then, after a pause, “I know, I miss you too.”

These words made Poe unfreeze and he all but reiterated, holding onto the spool for dear life. With his back firmly at the tree and Mr Jones, he hooked the spool onto the bridle and let the kite in the air. His hands were shaking slightly when he gave the spool over to Kū.

“Here, you hold it loosely, like this, so the rope can unroll easily”, he explained, watching her focused face from the corner of his eye. “Look how high the dragon flies now!”

She looked up and for a moment she seemed utterly delighted; the kite was indeed a sight to behold, its colourful tail waving in the wind, but Poe understood like no other that there was something more to that.

“Can we make it go up? So it goes through the clouds and make rain?” Kū asked, her cheeks pink and her eyes sparkling.

“No, kiddo, no kite can fly that high. But we can go near the river, and you can run with the kite, so it flies like a real dragon, okay?”

It was more than okay – in fact, he had never seen Kū so happy. She was running around, roaring like a dragon, and even giggling. Poe watched her, grinning like a madman, and would be absolutely content about his life at the moment, were it not for the nagging feeling of being observed. He didn’t turn to look at the tree – it would be more than sensible, since the snacks and the invisibility cloak were left there, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Jones might be sitting there still or not, and he couldn’t decide which of these options was worse. Or why, for that matter.

“Okay, let’s take a break. You need to drink something, and then we can walk with the kite for a while, but slowly this time,” he said as Kū came back to him after another lap, panting but delighted. “I have the apple chips you like, you can have them too. Now look, that’s how you bring the kite back to you.”

She insisted on carrying the kite herself, even though she barely saw anything over its edge. But they made it to the tree without tripping, and Kū graciously allowed him to fold the kite back, so she could eat her apple chips.

“Good afternoon,” Mr Jones said, and of course he was still here, with a pleasant smile directed at Kū. Which, Poe understood instantly, was definitely the worse option. “You have a magnificent kite, Kū, it flies beautifully.”

“Good afternoon,” Kū replied, surprised, but she didn’t seem perturbed by Jones’ presence. One-zero for her, Poe thought dryly, giving the man a polite nod. “It’s a dragon. It has wings and tail, see? And it flies up in the air!”

“Yes, I saw that, it was really cool! Did you built it yourself?”

“No,” she said and accepted the bag of the apple chips. “I made the tail, and the big one did the rest.”

The big one? Wow, this was – surprising, but not unpleasantly so, he decided, stifling a smile. It was the first time he heard Kū talk about him, and _big one_ definitely made sense, since he called her _little one_ all the time. Mr Jones didn’t seem surprised though; did Kū call Poe that when they were talking without him last Thursday? Part of Poe wanted to protest at that; it seemed unfair that someone else learnt it earlier than him. He tried, and failed, to cast the thought away.

“I see, that’s very nice,” said Jones, and returned to the book in his lap, as if the situation hadn’t been awkward. Or maybe it wasn’t, maybe he was just making it so in his head – either way, he couldn’t shed the feeling of being watched and judged all the time.

Despite his hopes, Kū didn’t want to leave after her lunch, nor did she agree to a slow walk along the riverbank. He had to set the kite and help her put it in the air, and almost didn’t mind when she started to romp happily with the string clutched tightly in her hands. He risked a glance over his shoulder, but Jones was half-hidden behind the tree, head bowed over his book. I shouldn’t worry about this, Poe repeated to himself, trying to shake off the feeling of being stared at, it doesn’t concern me. But then, he was never good at lying.

“Hey, dragon princess! I’ll be waiting under the tree over there, okay?” he asked Kū as soon as she approached. She glanced at the tree, assessing the distance, and made a pouty face but nodded. “If you need something, you call me and I’ll come right to you,” he promised, just to make sure, and walked away slowly, giving her a chance to stop him if she needed. She didn’t – after a pause she resumed her run, now considerably closer to the tree though.

Jones looked at him briefly, but didn’t engage in a conversation, keeping his eyes fixed on his book. Some phrases were neatly underlined with straight pencil lines, and there were colourful index stickers on the margins. Suddenly Poe realised just how young he looked without a suit, a tie, and the official air of a foster counsellor; he might as well be one of the undergrad kids crowding the coffee shop on Poe’s street corner every morning. He turned his head away, realising that he was staring, and bit his lip. If he bothered to come here, he should at least say something. He used to do this all the time – chat people up, turn on the charm, talk his way through any crisis he encountered – but now he wasn’t ever sure who should talk first.

“It really looks like a dragon from this perspective,” Jones said suddenly, and Poe let out a breath in a long exhale. The comment about the kite caught him off-guard, but he didn’t know what to expect. “You are a skilled craftsman, Mr Dameron.”

“I – yeah, kites are fun,” he blurted out, looking at Jones for any clues. Yet Jones was watching Kū, eyes squinted, avoiding Poe’s gaze altogether. As if he was as afraid of being judged as Poe was.

“I wouldn’t know,” he admitted quietly, and then, after a pause, “we didn’t have them at St. Jacob’s.”

“What – you mean you’ve–” Never flown a kite? Rationally, Poe knew that not everyone grew up in a pilot’s house, fascinated by flying objects, but this seemed ridiculous. Only a few heartbeats after the rest of the sentence caught with him.

“Yeah, I mean I grew up in St. Jacob’s orphanage,” Jones said and then he was looking straight at Poe, his face calm, composed, and dejected. Poe wanted to reply to it, but he couldn’t find accurate words – should one say _oh_ , or _I’m sorry_ , or _that’s cool_? It must have shown, because Jones made a face at him, a weird, unhappy smile. “I am not telling you this to make you uncomfortable or anything. But it’s something I need to acknowledge in my work – that I can get emotionally invested while I shouldn’t.” He paused, clearly waiting for a reaction. “You may want to consider requesting another foster councillor,” he said tiredly when none came.

“Why on Earth would I do that?” Poe asked, baffled. This wasn’t going in the expected direction at all – not that he could point any direction he was expecting, but still. “Because you care for Kū?”

“Because I should be the wise one here, keeping professional boundaries. I shouldn’t even be sitting here, talking with you like that, but I think you should understand. It seems that given my, uh, my _past_ – working with Kū makes it considerably difficult to set them.” It seemed that what Jones omitted was as important as the things he actually said. Poe didn’t mean to pry, but Kū didn’t have the happiest childhood so far, and if Jones’ was any similar, he could only feel sorry for the man. “I told you that–” Jones trailed off, looking away at Kū. Poe followed his gaze, but there was nothing to worry about, it seemed. “I told you that all our employees are equally qualified and it’s true, but maybe not all of them are – equally adequate,” he finished, strain in his voice perfectly audible.

“Bullshit. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard in weeks.” Poe reached out to grab Jones’ shoulder but caught himself in time and aborted the movement, his hand hanging awkwardly between them. Months ago he wouldn’t have hesitated. “I mean – you wouldn’t hurt Kū.”

“Not ever, I–”

“Then I trust you.” Only when he said it aloud, Poe understood that it’s true. “And I trust your judgement – that you will tell me if something is really off. Deal?”

“Deal.” Now Jones looked relieved, and a huge smile spread across his face. He really looked very young like this, with his frayed sneakers, and his grey graphic t-shirt, and his colourful index cards, and his blinding smile. Poe smiled back. “Okay, so let’s start with me being out of here. And, uh – this is my regular studying spot, when the weather is decent,” Jones said, throwing his book and a thin blanket into a bag. “So don’t worry if you see me around sometime, I’m not spying on you. Just, you know, move along,” He made a small hand gesture which reminded Poe of something – probably a reference he couldn’t place. It looked familiar enough. “Tell Kū I said bye!”

And with that he was gone, sticking headphones into his ears as he went, quickly and without looking back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There goes another short update, but the next one will be nice and longer, I promise. There are cute animals in this chapter though, to make up for its length.
> 
> Thank you all again for your wonderful response to this fic. I really appreciate it, it makes me happy beyond words. Just - thank you.

The ringtone played when he was kneading the second batch of dough, of course. Baking wasn’t Poe’s forte – in fact it was rather the opposite of that – but he found a bunch of easy recipes for baking with kids and decided to give them a go. So far it worked great: Kū rolled the dough into evenly shaped balls and placed them on the baking tray with a smile on her face, and the smell coming from the oven was rather a pleasant one. So, of course, his laptop had to let out the Skype ringtone right now. Which could mean only one thing.

“Kū, wait right here, I’ll be back in a minute,” he said, scrubbing his hands from the dough and rushing to the laptop.

He could ignore it, of course, but it wouldn’t do him anything good. It would only postpone the inevitable and make it worse in the end. Thus Poe took a deep breath, wiped his right hand on his trousers, and accepted the call.

“Hi dad,” he said, as enthusiastically as he could manage. His father’s face filled the screen, blurry and pixelated, but Poe would recognise that frown everywhere. He had a storm coming. “How are you?”

“Don’t _how-are-you_ me, Poe Dameron! What do I do to get this video thing going?” The screen blurred even more as his father put on his glasses and bowed over his screen with his brows furrowed in concentration. Swearing under his breath, Poe turned on the video option on his side. There was no fighting his fate now. “Oh, here it is! And don’t think I didn’t hear that,” father said, straightening up. “Now we can talk properly. What’s the thing on your face, a rash?”

“No, it’s, uh, it’s probably dough. I have cookies in the oven,” Poe said in the faint hope that it would serve as a distraction. But, of course, it didn’t.

“Cookies in the oven, huh? That a neat metaphor?” The meaningful waggle of eyebrows was clear even despite the poor image quality, and Poe wanted to die a little. After all these years the urge to cover his face with his hands and groan loudly was still strong, even though he knew that his father was long reconciled with “the gay thing”, as he would put it.

“Jesus Christ, dad, what does it even mean?”

“It means that last time we spoke you were accepted as a foster father and expecting a kid, remember?” And oh shit, it was true. Poe tried to recall when he last called his father – five weeks ago? Or six? Definitely before Kū was around, but he couldn’t pinpoint the exact date for the life of him. Probably that’s why it was so hard to formulate any sensible thought in Spanish, too. “So, any news on this front?”

“Yes, actually, I–” he paused at the sound of the beeping timer. “Wait a moment, dad, I have to, uh, the cookies. Kū, don’t come near the oven!” he called, even though he didn’t expect her to do so. He could hear his father grumble something in the background, but decided to ignore him for a moment.

Even though the dough was not perfectly kneaded, Kū rolled the balls out of it nevertheless, and then poked them with her finger, making deep holes.

“Twelve,” she announced proudly as he came in, and indeed, there were twelve blobs waiting on the baking tray. Poe smiled at her and she smiled back, and just with that he felt considerably less stressed.

“Great job, kiddo! Twelve yummy cookies we have here!” He took out the first batch and put the second in, and even remembered to set the timer. “Now, let’s wash your hands, shall we? And Kū,” he added, offering her a stool so she could reach to the sink, “my father called me on the laptop, and we’re talking right now. Do you want to – come and say hi?”

“Your father?” she repeated, visibly puzzled, and pondered over it for a moment. “Is he very big?”

“As big as me, more or less,” Poe said, handing her a towel. “But he has a beard and glasses,” he added after a moment, because frankly, the beard his father had grown since they’d last spoken was quite intimidating even for him.

“Is he – is he scary?” The question came as a punch in the gut – the more so that it was a legitimate one. Poe knelt down to face Kū and looked her in the eyes, absolutely solemn.

“Not at all, kiddo, I promise you. He’s very nice, and he taught me all about kites. And BB-8 likes him.” This was enough to convince Kū to give the old man a chance, but Poe continued, because it had to be said, “but you don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to.”

“Okay. I can go say hi,” she decided, as serious as he was.

When they entered the room, there was a mysterious noise coming from the laptop speakers – it sounded as if someone played the horn straight into the microphone. For a moment Poe feared that his father picked up a new hobby, but he couldn’t see any musical instrument on the screen.

“Dad, this is Kū,” he introduced in English, waving at her to sit down in front of the laptop. Yet Kū preferred to stand, eyeing the screen cautiously, so all he could do was to finish the official presentation. “Kū, this is my father.”

“Hello, little one! My name is Kes, and I am glad to meet you!” And he did look the part – he smiled so wide that even his beard seemed less awful. Poe watched Kū closely, but she didn’t seem scared, rather distrustful, as if she had no idea what to expect. No wonder; one never knew what to expect whilst interacting with Kes Dameron. “I heard that you baked cookies today, was it fun?” His English sounded as fluent as Poe’s Spanish, which meant – slightly unsure and accented as hell. Poe was afraid that it would be a problem, but apparently it was not the case and Kū understood everything clearly.

“Yes,” she said with a solemn nod. “I made twelve cookies, and they are in the oven now.” She went a few steps closer to the screen, eyes fixed in Kes’ face.

“Sounds good! Do they have any chocolate?”

“Yes, and nuts, and raisins…” Kū paused, looked up at Poe and then back at the screen, and frowned. She looked like something bothered her and Poe didn’t like that at all. He squatted down to face her, hoping that his father will be sensible enough to keep quiet for a while.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Kū glanced at Kes again, and then turned to Poe with her back at the screen. “Why does he have hair on the wrong side of his head?”

There was a brief silence, and then Kes Dameron guffawed so loud that both Poe and Kū startled in shock. He laughed and wheezed, bent in two, so that only the top of his shaven head was visible on the screen.

“Don’t worry, kiddo,” Poe said with a sigh, reaching out; she grabbed his hand tightly, but didn’t come closer. “He’s just being silly.”

“I live - on the other side - of the world,” Kes managed after a long while, wiping tears from his eyes. “Everything here gets upside down sometimes. But next time we speak, Kū, I’ll have my hair on the right side of my head, promise.”

“Okay,” she replied, but didn’t sound very convinced. Suddenly, the weird noise from before came from the speakers; Kū squeezed Poe’s hand even tighter. “What is this?”

“This is a fu… I mean, a friendly sloth. Have you seen a sloth before, Kū? Well,” father continued, as she shook her head, “sloths are big lazy animals which live here in my backyard. They climb trees and sleep a lot.”

“Like BB-8?”

“A bit bigger, but yeah, sort of. And they hang from the trees upside-down!” he added triumphantly, letting out a cackle. It was drowned by another loud cry, which now indeed seemed familiar. “And now Ms Sloth calls Mr Sloth to come home for dinner. For two goddamn days,” he muttered under his nose, and Poe felt a tinge of satisfaction. There were worse things that lovestruck female sloths in your backyard, but there weren’t many of them.

“We can watch a movie about sloths later on, if you want,” he said to Kū and she nodded, visibly intrigued. “And now we’ll go buy things for our dinner, all right? Good, then please go and bring your sweater. Seriously, dad,” Poe huffed out as soon as Kū waved at Kes and went to her room, “what’s with these food metaphors today? And besides, no swearing in front of the kid,” he added for a good measure.

“Bullshit,” snorted his father. “Your mother and I swore like a pair of sailors and you grew up just fine. She’s sweet, but skittish as hell. You’d better take care of her, you hear me?”

“I do. But, you know, no kid lands in the foster care without a reason,” he said with a sigh. His father’s face softened for a moment, as it always did when he spoke about children, but then he was serious again.

“You tell me if you need help, all right? Don’t make that face, I’m not coming to surprise you with a visit again,” he said with a laugh which was only a little bit forced. Poe looked away for a moment, relieved and ashamed in equal parts. “Just, between the two of us, I have at least some experience with rearing a difficult child.” Poe huffed in mock indignation, because he knew that he never was a difficult child - he was a very difficult adult though, a fact he was not necessarily proud of. The sloth in the backyard screamed, as if to punctuate this thought. “Unless you have some help on site already, huh? An attractive district nurse perhaps, or…”

“Will you stop this? There is no goddamn nurse, it’s just - I have all help I need, dad,” he said, looking away again. He had no idea what made him so nervous, but suddenly he felt like he had to defend himself. “There’s this social worker visiting us once a week to check on Kū, and, and the guys from work call from time to time, and - we’re fine. I promise.”

“Well, you’re certainly better,” his father admitted after a pause, squinting at him. “I can see that. Even if it isn’t what I’m asking and you know it. Now go to your cookies,” he said as the timer beeped from the kitchen. “But call your old man sometime, will you?”

“I will. See you, dad.”

Talking with his father left him even more irritated than usual. Even if he understood that the concern was valid, it didn’t make him bristle any less at the questions and prying. And the _attractive nurse_ , seriously, as if father had no idea how well Poe liked any advice regarding his love life. He was pondering over it long after they left the house, even though he dutifully answered Kū’s questions about sloths, his father, and people from Guatemala living upside down.

“Will you have a beard too?” Kū enquired suddenly, when he was trying to unload his cart, pack stuff into bags, pay, and mind her, all at once. The clerk gave him an once-over, mercifully slowing down with the checkout to do so.

“Not a bad idea,” she said with a smile, and honest to god batted her eyelashes at him. Poe, who wasn’t at the receiving end of such a gesture for a decade at least, flushed even though there was no real reason to do so. Thank heavens his father was miles away, and it was definitely all his fault, making Poe think about these things at all. With an enormous effort he stuffed the groceries in his bags and backpack and paid for them, avoiding the eye-contact with the clerk all together.

“Do you want me to grow a beard, kiddo?” he asked, handing her a leek to carry. “But just so you know, I won’t shave my head. Hair stays.”

“You will look like a sheep!” she exclaimed happily, lifting the leek in the air in a triumphant gesture. It was certainly a yes, and Poe cursed himself for even suggesting this.

“You know how to compliment a man, don’t you,” he muttered, watching her from the corner of his eye. Kū marched with a small smile on her face and the leek leaned on her shoulder. She didn’t seem nervous at all - no glancing around, no hiding or panicked squeezing of his hand.

We are fine, Poe thought to himself, and were he carrying a leek, he would throw it in the air too.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed a longer update, yay! This one is dedicated to you guys, for being so lovely about this fic. I cannot thank you enough.

But of course they weren’t fine, and Poe was reminded about it that night when he woke up to the sound of crying coming from Kū’s bedroom. With a curse he got up, pushing BB-8 out of his bed as he did so, and rushed to the other room.

“Kū, what’s up? Can I come in?” He heard a muffled sound which he chose to interpret as a yes, and entered the room. Kū was curled under a blanket in the middle of her bed fortress, clutching her stuffed dinosaur and crying her eyes out. He strode to her bed and turned on a nightlight. “I’ll sit down here and you tell me what happened, okay?”

“He was here,” Kū sobbed, and Poe felt a sudden rush of rage, “to take me away.”

“He will never take you away, Kū, I promise. He can’t come here, you’re safe,” he said quickly, quietly, searching her eyes. “You’re safe, I promise. I won’t let anyone harm you ever again.”

He reached out a hand to her on an instinct, even though he knew she’d probably recoil - it still stung, though, when she did. But then, after a heartbeat, she grabbed his hand with her own ones, cold and wet with tears, and squeezed it tightly.

“When I was a kid,” Poe whispered, folding his fingers minutely to touch her hands, “my dad would wrap me in a blanket and hug me, and tell me stories until all nightmares go away. Do you - want a story?”

“Yes,” she sniffed, and after a pause she added, “and a hug, too.”

His hands trembled only slightly when he took her up along with her blanket and stuffed dinosaur, and placed the bundle on his knees. Kū rested her head on his shoulder, a bit wary first, but after a moment she started to relax, and her sniffling abated.

“A long time ago, a big clever rabbit lived in the forest,” Poe said quietly, searching his memory for a story which wouldn’t scare Kū more. It was always good to start with a rabbit, though. “He always played tricks on all his friends. And one time he was sitting at a pond at night, watching the moon, when a coyote came by.”

“Whass a coyote?” Kū mumbled against his shoulder and he curbed the instinct to hug her closer.

“It’s an animal, like a wolf. It lives in Guatemala. The coyote was friends with the rabbit, so he asked nicely, _What are you doing here?_ But the rabbit liked to deceive the coyote, so he replied, _I am watching the food down there in the pond_. _What kind of food?_ , the coyote asked, and the rabbit showed him the reflection of the moon and said that it was cheese.”

Poe paused, but Kū didn’t react; she was warm and heavy, breathing lightly in her sleep. He should probably put her down to bed straightaway, but couldn’t bring himself to do so, taking much more comfort from her presence than he would dare admit to anyone. She was still afraid and probably didn’t trust him completely to keep her safe - but on the other hand, she let him hug her and comfort her after a nightmare much more easily than before. It was a good thing - it had to be.

When he finally put Kū to bed, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t fall asleep again, with the sunrise outside of his window and his head full of contradicting thoughts. And yet, when he laid down by warm and purring BB-8, he drifted away almost immediately, weirdly calm for a person woken up by a child’s nightmare.

He wasn’t as calm when he woke up to start the day though. It was raining cats and dogs, so the great plan to go kite flying before Mr Jones’ visit had to be dropped and Kū didn’t hide her disappointment. She consoled herself with running around the house, dragging a rope with a feather at the end for BB-8 to catch. It made Poe twitchy as he imagined all the bruises and broken limbs, and all other misfortunes which could result from it, and after a while he stopped the fun, which made Kū pout and hide in her room. With his mood soured as well, Poe went to the kitchen and started to season the chicken, and of course as soon as he got his hands dirty his phone rang from the other room.

He expected the call to be from Snap or Jess - he turned in his project yesterday and they might want to discuss something - but the number on the screen was unsaved, but not entirely unfamiliar. “Hello, this is Finnegan Jones from the foster centre,” Poe heard as soon as he picked up the phone, smearing it with pepper and sage.

“Dameron here,” he said, and then, because Jones’ voice sounded small and unsure, he asked, “Is everything all right?”

“Yes, I just - I’m very sorry to inconvenience you, but would it be possible for me to come in later today? Around four thirty? I know it’s on a short notice, but…”

“No problem,” Poe interjected, shaking his head. “Seriously, none at all. Four thirty is fine.”

There was a pause, and then Jones said, “Thank you,” as if Poe had just saved his life. “Thank you, I really appreciate that. See you later then!”

“See you,” he repeated, even though he could already hear the beeping of the disconnected call. He wondered briefly what made Jones so agitated - he hoped it was nothing bad though, because the man seemed to be positively trembling. Poe went back to his dinner preparations, making a new day schedule in his head. Now, if he only could coax Kū out of her room, to make sure everything is okay.

The latter led to a serious talk about running around the house, which caused a lot of pouting on Kū’s side and lots of frustration on his, but finally they reached some sort of agreement, it seemed. Kū retaliated by playing Care Bears whilst she drew huge clawed monsters which were probably sloths (they had no whiskers and weren’t orange, so they couldn’t be BB-8). Poe did his best to ignore it as he sat down at the other end of the couch, scratching BB-8 absent-mindedly, and read the last month’s issue of his aviation magazine as if he hadn’t had anything better to do. It had a lot of nice pictures, and an article about gliders so enthusiastic that Poe couldn’t but snort at it. He wondered if Snap had read it too, and suddenly he felt an urge to meet with Snap and Jess, and Karé, and Iolo, drink overpriced beer in the hole in the wall near their office and talk about something else than cats and kites, and Care Bears, and dinner menu. But then he thought about finding a babysitter and the idea became less attractive straightaway.

“Kū, look, the rain is almost gone. Do you want to go for a walk?”

“Can I go running _now_?” she asked, and okay, the sulks were not gone yet.

“You know, kiddo, your shoes could soak through. But how about we go and buy you a pair of rain boots, huh?” he said in a stroke of genius. “And then we go to the park and you can run and jump into every puddle you see. Okay? But hey,” he said, seeing her nod and jump in place, ready to go, “we clean up here first, remember?” With a huge effort of will he didn’t laugh at the resignation visible on Kū’s face as she started to throw her crayons in the box. She still rarely did any chores on her own, but almost always did them when asked, so Poe didn’t press her too much. “Thanks for your help,” he said instead, and picked up her drawing to inspect it closely. “What a beautiful sloth sleeping on a tree!”

“He ate all the leaves and now he is sleepy,” Kū explained, pointing at the bare branches, and then at the viciously yellow sun in the corner. “It’s still day but he sleeps, like in the movie.”

“Yeah, exactly, sloths sleep day and night. Do you want to put it on the fridge?”

The fridge was already covered with drawings, and placing the new one required some serious rearranging. Poe made a mental note to buy a cork sheet and pins sometime soon, and after short fiddling with the raincoat they were good to go. Bribed with a promise of puddle jumping, Kū behaved very well and paid attention at traffic lights and cars, and zebra crossings as he taught her to. Of course, once they reached the shop, she had to choose the ugliest, least practical rain boots that were for sale - fiery orange ones with colourful dots and bows on the noses, which together with her green raincoat looked like a colourful disaster. Poe paid for them nevertheless, helped Kū put them on and marched towards the park. He could only hope that, given the poor weather, the usual flock of mums judging his fashion choices would be somewhere else.

Once in his life odds were in his favour, because the park appeared mums-and-children free and he could just walk slowly, watching Kū jump into each and every puddle she encountered with a happy shriek or inspect the deeper ones with a stick. Yet, as they neared the playground area, he froze and saw Kū do the same, because they heard Mrs Nunb’s voice carrying through the air. Now, Poe didn’t make any real friends with the parents - mothers, mostly - who visited the Memorial Park with their children at the same time he did. He recognised some of them enough to remember to say hello, and lived through some very awkward and stressing exchanges about weather, child psychology, and benefits of horse riding for general physical condition, but that was that. Except for Mrs Nunb that is - well, she wasn’t a friend exactly, she was a force of nature, and apparently chose Poe to be her victim.

“Mr Dameron! And little Kū! How nice to see you both!” she hollered as soon as she spotted them in the alley, waving her cane at them to come closer. The wide smile made her round face even more wrinkled. “Isn’t it nice, Albert?”

“Yes, grandma,” the boy said, wiping mud spots from his face, and then smiled shyly at Kū. “Hi. Wanna play with my new ball? It’s Angry Birds!” Albert, as Poe knew, was about a year older than Kū and finished his first grade already. Kū liked him as much as any other kid in the park - which meant that she played with him just fine, but didn’t seem to like him all that much - but the ball certainly was a nice prospect.

“Yeah, you go play a while, kiddo. I’ll be waiting right here. Okay?”

She nodded and ran after the ball kicked away by Albert, her green raincoat flapping loudly.

“And this is what I call fun,” declared Mrs Nunb, just as Poe expected. He pulled on a pleasant expression and did his best to mute her, but without much success. “A child needs to run and shout, and get dirty, right, Mr Dameron? I don’t understand this obsession with having children all spotless and shiny, all these people whining, oh no, so much washing! Well, let me tell you this: my mother didn’t have a washing machine, and she still let my brother and me get dirty as any normal kid should…”

Poe nodded and hummed in agreement each time Mrs Nunb took a breath, watching Kū and Albert play some weird mixture of football, puddle jumping, and mud wrestling. Albert lost his glasses at one moment and Kū handed them back to him, and Poe gave himself a mental pat in the back.

“She is such a well-behaved child,” Mrs Nunb said approvingly, and gave Poe an actual pat in the back which made him breathless for a moment. “In my youth all kids were like this, not like they are now, wayward little creatures…”

“Albert is a very polite boy too,” Poe replied automatically, and suddenly an idea struck him right in the head. It was little short of masochistic, because it would cause Mrs Nunb to talk even more, but it would be useful. “Actually, Mrs Nunb, I would like to trouble you for a piece advice about Kū.”

Mrs Nunb all but glowed with satisfaction, even though she tried to hide it. “Of course, of course, my lad, but I am just an old woman and nobody cares for what I say…”

“Well, I do,” he said, feeling as if he just sentenced himself for being talked to till death. “So, uh, can you tell me where Albert goes to school, and if you’re happy with it?”

“Oh, Mr Dameron, I am so glad you see how important it is! Well, _I_ didn’t choose the school, obviously, and my daughter-in-law – well, she is a nice girl and all, you know, but so _overprotective_ , and I, Mr Dameron, do not condone coddling. I was never coddled myself and I grew up just fine, but she said…”

Within the next thirty minutes or so Poe not only learned Mrs Nunb’s views on her kith and kin, both close and extended, and their child-rearing practices, but he actually gathered some valuable information about the local schools. He made a mental note to find Albert’s mother on the playground someday ( _I cannot come here with her, she is all but fainting each time Albert is climbing the jungle gym,_ Mrs Nunb said to his great relief) and ask her for details, but he already had a starting point. With thanks and smiles he grabbed Kū and all but run away, mumbling something about dinner and a scheduled visit.

They made it home around four, and Poe shooed Kū to the shower while he put the chicken in the oven and started to make some sandwiches for Kū to eat now. Then they took forever to untangle her hair, which always got messy after she dried it off herself with a towel, and since Mr Jones wasn’t yet here, Kū settled in front of Animal Planet, and Poe started to google the “mollycoddling institution rearing emotional cripples” which Mrs Nunb mentioned during her elaborate rant. It looked nice and welcoming, and the children on the pictures seemed happy and well looked-after, but then no one knew better than Poe that it all could be but a pretence.

The doorbell finally rang at twenty to five, and Mr Jones standing at the threshold looked so utterly apologetic that Poe almost laughed. He must have walked in a drizzle without an umbrella and in opened coat, clearly in great rush, and Poe found himself doing a mental check of towels.

“I’m so very sorry I’m late, Mr Dameron - the flight was delayed and the airport train took ages to come to the city centre,” he blurted out as soon as he caught his breath. “Is it still okay, or would you prefer to reschedule?”

“Of course it’s okay, please come in. I didn’t know you were travelling,” Poe said, taking the coat and putting it on a hanger. “We could have picked another date.”

“Travelling? No, no, it’s just - a very dear friend of mine came with a surprise visit.” Jones looked up at Poe and he wasn’t only smiling, he was positively glowing with happiness at the mention of the _friend_. In this one moment Poe understood, with absolute certainty, that it was the same person with whom Jones had been talking in the park so sweetly - and he had no idea what to do with this realisation, none at all. “I couldn’t pick her up at the airport, but I had to give her keys somehow… I would manage it just fine if not for the delayed flight. Is it seriously okay?”

“Absolutely,” Poe said, forcing himself to focus on the problems at hand. “Do you want to talk with Kū one-on-one this time too? Good then, she’s waiting in here. I’ll just-” He made a vague gesture towards the kitchen, letting Mr Jones into the living room.

After a brief internal debate as to whether it was appropriate or not, Poe decided to offer the towel and some tea anyway. He would do the same for anyone who had to wander in such a foul weather, he reasoned with himself as he put the kettle on and went through the content of his bathroom cabinet in search of a clean and non-ugly towel. He poured one serving of tea in a saucer cup from fine porcelain he almost never used and the other one in two-handle mug Kū preferred for hot drinks, put it all on a tray and went to the living room. Slowly he pressed the handle with an elbow and the door jumped ajar; he was just about to open them wider and announce his presence, but he paused, taking in the scene in front of him.

They were sitting on the floor, so that Poe could see parts of their profiles, but they weren’t paying any attention to him, engrossed in conversation. Kū was apparently telling a story, and a happy one at that, judging from her smile. But then Mr Jones asked her something - or told a story himself, Poe wasn’t sure, because he couldn’t focus on any single word. Instead he couldn’t not watch the slow, deliberate movements of Jones’ hands, how they were telling a story of their own, their dark skin contrasting sharply with the white cuffs. He couldn’t not notice how the movement transferred into graceful shifts of arms and shoulders - heavens, _shoulders_ \- or how Jones was ducking his head to hide a smile, even though he glowed with joy, or how his voice was low and warm, and vibrating with emotion.

Poe couldn’t not realise he was staring, with his breath short and lip bitten almost to the point of bleeding, so he forced himself to close his eyes and clear his throat.

“I, uh, I don’t want to interrupt you guys, I just brought you some tea,” he managed almost without a stutter, placing the tray on the coffee table with a louder clink than anyone ever produced. Then he pushed the towel in Mr Jones’ hands, earning himself a surprised blink and a clipped _thank you_ , and actually fled from his own living room, closing the door very carefully behind himself.

Poe had no idea what just happened - or rather he did, but refused to acknowledge it. He stormed into the kitchen, determined to busy himself with something, but instead found himself pacing nervously along the counter, picking some random objects and putting them back. What is wrong with my head, he was asking himself, the guy has always been cute, but to get all breathless like that? And he’s not even my type, Poe decided, even though he didn’t have a type, not exactly - but well, Mr Jones was nothing like Muran, that’s for sure. Finally he found a sensible object, namely a peeler, and sat down with a stack of potatoes, trying to push the stupid thoughts out of his head. All in all, nothing actually happened, no need to act silly because of some wild figments of his imagination.

Suddenly he heard soft knocking and his head snapped up; Mr Jones’ face appeared in the ajar door. “I’d like to talk to you now,” he said, and frowned, giving Poe an once-over. “Hey, are you all right? Not to pry or anything, but you look - distressed.”

Poe looked down at the peeler and potato he clutched in his hands, and at the precious few potatoes he managed to finish so far.

“Yeah, no, all’s fine,” he lied and added his best smile for a good measure. “Let me just wash my hands, I’ll be in the living room in a sec. Seriously, Dameron,” he muttered to himself as soon as Jones disappeared from the doorway. But channelling his inner Jess didn’t help this time and when he sat down opposite Jones, he still was terribly unfocused.

“Kū told me about the cookies and the drawings,” Jones said, as if they were continuing a chat. Poe blinked and looked around, and oh, Kū must have been showing off her works because the coffee table was littered with them now. “It’s doing great for her graphomotor skills, so you keep up the good job. Over time you may want to start with other paper crafts, especially cutting out is important. You can look up for things online, there’s plenty. Hey, you following me here?”

“Of course, I just wondered…” What Poe was actually doing was rather gaping mindlessly at Jones’ hands, and hopelessly trying to focus. His brain was not helping today, not at all. “Uh, sorry, I just wondered - shouldn’t we be training, I don’t know, writing? Some letters at least? Kū likes drawing so there will be drawing, but I thought…”

“Nah, man, that’s what she goes to school for.” Jones waved his hand dismissively. “Drawing and crafts are fun, and she learns really a lot this way, trust me. You can start play games to teach Kū recognise her name in writing, I’ll send you some ideas. Speaking about which…” There was a longer pause and Poe’s attention snapped back from Jones’ hands to his face. “Have you thought about the school for Kū?”

“Yes, I have - I’m still asking about, but I’m thinking about Jenkins Primary… What, is there something wrong with it?”

“No, not at all, I’m just surprised that you… decided it so early.” Jones looked down at his papers, shuffled them for a moment, pulled out a page and scribbled something on it. “Many caregivers and parents push this decision to the very last moment,” he added quickly. “Do you have any other options which you seriously consider?”

“I don’t know really, I’m not friends with all the playground mums yet, I just heard good things about Jenkins,” he said with a shrug. Well, what he heard were not necessarily _good things_ , but contrary to Mrs Nunb Poe didn’t condemn coddling at all. Yet Jones was still watching him with surprise all over his face, which was more than a little unnerving. “Of course, I’ll check the other schools in the neighbourhood first, I know it’s a serious decision,” he added hastily. Jones nodded slowly and scribbled something more on the margin of his papers. Poe didn’t mean to stare at his hands again - he really didn’t - but it just happened somehow, and he could read the upside-down note, _playground mums_ , and suddenly he felt inexplicably weird.

“Please let me know when you make the final decision - there are some steps we can take to make the beginning of the school year easier for Kū, and I’ll see if I can help.”

Jones asked a few more questions about Kū’s sleeping patterns, her interactions with children and grown-ups, and some daily routines. Poe mentioned the nightmares, and how he dealt with them, and Mr Jones nodded with a small smile. “I know, she told me that you wrapped her like, and I quote, “the spinach dinner”. She didn’t call you though, when she woke? I thought so,” Jones nodded to himself again, frowning, and made some more notes.

“I’m not sure if she trusts me to defend her,” Poe divulged before he thought better, and looked away, embarrassed. “Not only because of her father, but because of that creep in the grocery store. I didn’t protect her then, and-”

“Man, seriously, just stop right now, will you?” There was a note of exasperation in Jones’s voice and Poe looked up at him, puzzled. “She talks about you all the time, and good things too. She lets you come to her after a nightmare, wrap her like the spinach dinner, and hug her to sleep. Of course she trusts you.”

“That’s… good,” he ventured. Unexpected and probably undeserved too, but Poe wasn’t going to voice these opinions now or ever. Jones smiled at him and shook his head.

“It is, really. Well, before we conclude, I have one more question, though I feel somewhat unprofessional asking it.” He cleared his throat, and Poe felt his body freeze in anticipation, all the nice feelings gone in an instant. “Tell me, Mr Dameron, who is the Beard Man? From what I heard he’s a rather fascinating persona… You all right here?”

“Yeah, I’m all right… It’s - the Beard Man is my father,” Poe admitted, colouring up as if he had anything to be ashamed of. “He called me on Skype a few days ago and Kū seemed to like him well enough. She was taken by his beard.”

“I can see that,” Jones muttered, more to himself than to Poe it seemed, giving him a strange look. “Anyway, it’s good that she’s opening up to grown-ups too – try to expose her more and more to your friends and relatives, bearded and otherwise.”

They parted among the usual pleasantries, with some additional fussing around an umbrella which Poe wanted to push on Jones, and Jones didn’t want to take. Finally he was convinced though, and went out straight into the rain somewhat shielded, taking two steps at a time. He has a friend waiting at home, Poe remembered, closing the door. Of course he does.

He closed his eyes, forbidding himself to think about it - or anything along these lines actually - and remembered the half-peeled potatoes and the chicken in the oven. He went to the living room to gather the cups and looked at Kū’s drawings as he did. The sloth sleeping on a tree was on the top of the pile, hanging there with a blissful smile. Poe smiled too, struck by a great idea. He had his moments - rarely, but he did. And oh ho, his father was going to love it.

“Kū, do you want to show your drawings to the Beard Man after dinner?”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi folks! Sorry that it took me so long, but I'm wrangling my PhD thesis and it eats up all my time. But here we go!
> 
> And remember that you're all awesome and I am so happy that you continue to read the story. Thank you!

The problem wasn’t that Poe didn’t like surprises – he did, sort of, when he had at least some warning that he should expect them. Which probably meant that he didn’t like them, in fact. Well, he could roll with the punches all right, but at the moment he didn’t want any punches to fall. He had to make corrections to the design Jess sent him yesterday, and he had to watch over  Kū playing with BB-8 with a feathered wand, and he didn’t want to be disturbed. But of course his phone rang and he looked at the screen, and the he could only mouth _oh shit_ and pick it up.

“Good morning, ma’am,” he said, hoping that his voice sounded normal and didn’t betray his feeling of impending doom.

“Hi Poe,” Ms Organa said breezily, “are you home?”

“Yes, I–” Before he could actually reply, the call ended and mere seconds later his doorbell rang. He breathed _oh shit_ , despite his strict no-swearing policy, and went to open the door. “Wait here, Kū, okay? It’s my – my friend, she came to visit us. She’s very nice.” He saw Kū nod and pull BB-8 on the couch, and shook his head. At least she didn’t attempt to run away.

Ms Organa was standing on the threshold with a slight frown on her face, and two big paper bags in her hands. When he opened the door, she gave him a quick once-over and her mouth turned into a lopsided half-smile.

“Well, nice to see you at last,” she said, stepping in and handing him one of the bags. The weight of it was familiar – a stack of designs to review and sign, no less. “This one is for you, but I hope to get it back by the end of the month.”

“It’s nice to see you too, ma’am,” he said and smiled, realising that it was true. Well, the conditions were less than ideal, and judging by her face he looked less than ideal too, but it was still good, in a way. “Please come in here and meet Kū – Kū, come and say hi.”

For some reason this introduction made him as nervous as the first visit of the social services counsellor – which meant a lot. He had no idea what made Ms Organa pay him a visit, but he didn’t want to make a wrong impression about himself or Kū. Ms Organa had already seen enough of his fails than anyone should, really, and he couldn’t have her thinking that he was unable to care for a child. Especially since she showed her support in this too.

But Kū didn’t move, her hands squeezed tight in BB-8’s fur. She watched both Poe and Ms Organa, moving her gaze from one to another. Poe cleared his throat, feeling judged by everyone in the room.

“Kū, this is my boss and friend, Ms Leia Organa. She’s a very nice lady,” he said, wincing a little at the awkwardness of it. “I’m sure she wants to meet you – let’s introduce you, okay?”

After a moment she nodded and let go of BB-8, who of course trotted straightaway to Ms Organa and started to rub against her legs, leaving hairy trails on her trousers. This seemed to encourage Kū a little, because she came closer – but stayed more or less behind Poe – and looked up at Ms Organa, her mouth set in determination. But before she said something, Ms Organa squatted to be on level with her, and smiled.

“Hi, I’m Ms Leia Organa, and I am glad to meet you. I work with Poe, and we build planes together. Can you tell me your name?”

“I am Kū,” said Kū, still eyeing Ms Organa suspiciously. After a pause, she added, “We built a kite together.”

“That’s splendid! Do you like to build things? Well then,” Ms Organa said, seeing Kū nod, “you may want to look into the bag. It’s a gift for you.”

There was a box of building blocks in the bag; Kū took it out and shook, frowning at the noise.

“You can build a house with them, or a castle, or a plane – whatever you like,” Ms Organa explained, which caught Kū’s interest a bit. “Go on, take them out and try.”

“What do you say when you get a gift, Kū?” Poe interjected, making a serious face.

“Thank you.”

Poe nodded, relieved that the meeting went rather well. Then he remembered that he actually had a guest, and offered Ms Organa tea or water, but she just shook her head.

“No need, I just came for a moment.” She gave Kū another smile and stood up, her face going from smile to frown in a heartbeat. “I have a feeling that we’re overdue a chat, Poe.”

“Is anything wrong?” he asked, and squirmed at the stupidity of his question. “I mean – I know I was late with the T-70 design, and I’m sorry for that, I–” He dropped on the chair, and she sat across him, watching him intently.

“It’s not what I’m here about,” she said finally, with a sigh. “It’s rather – you turned in the T-85 design a week early. Just the design, not a word attached to it. I know that you aren’t in touch with the team except for when necessary, and you decline all invitations. You didn’t even reply to me about the summer get-together.” And she was right, of course she was; she was also clearly unimpressed by the mortified look on his face, because she levelled him with a meaningful stare. “Now, don’t look at me like a kicked puppy, you know I don’t like it. Is there anything wrong?”

“No, ma’am. I’m serious,” he added quickly, straightening up. “I meant to reply to your invitation, I did, I just wanted to check with our counsellor first if taking Kū there is a good idea, but – but I forgot.” Of course he forgot, he was too busy contemplating their counsellor’s pretty face to actually ask about taking Kū to the annual garden party Ms Organa held for her co-workers, friends, and their families.

“It still happens, huh? Did you talk about it with someone?”

“No. Ma’am,” he added, realising how rude it sounded. He looked at Kū, torn between building a tower and rolling a block for BB-8 to catch, and back at Ms Organa. “I can’t, not now. They will take her away if they learn that there’s something wrong with my head, and she’s only started to feel at home here. But it’s getting better.” He could only hope it sounded reassuringly enough. “Scout’s honour.”

“I certainly hope so, I want you back in the office in September. But you should talk with someone anyway – a friend at least, if not a specialist. You’re taking a huge risk there, Poe.” His face must have conveyed his terror, because after a moment she softened a bit, even though he knew she was still angry at him. “Well then, how about the get-together? I can come pick you up, I’ll be in the office anyway.”

Poe didn’t squirm at the implication here, even though the truth of it stung like a slap in the face. Instead he shrugged and looked at Kū again. “I’m really not sure – we’ve never been to such a gathering before, and it isn’t the same as a park playground, and–” _And I don’t want to meet all these people_ , he didn’t say, but Ms Organa probably guessed it anyway, judging from her raised eyebrows. He felt himself cracking under the pressure of this gaze. “Well, I could ask – ask our counsellor, I mean. Will there be any other kids?”

“Yes, a whole bunch of them, and two friendly dogs.” Ms Organa pushed his phone towards him, and stood up. “You check this with the counsellor, and I check how the construction works are going. Kū, can you show me what you built there?”

Poe stared at Ms Organa’s back as she crouched at the block pile and talked to Kū, who in turn replied more eagerly than before, and then back at his phone. Jones’ number, still unsaved, was on top of his recent calls list; he pressed it, feeling apprehensive as if there was any real reason to. The phone beeped several times, but finally the call started, with someone huffing something into the receiver – his name, or hello, or anything really.

“Hi, it’s Poe Dameron… Uh, can I talk to Mr Jones, please?”

“It’s me,” Jones whispered, his voice crackling in the receiver. “Sorry, I had to, uh, find a hiding spot. I’m technically not allowed to talk from my private phone during office hours. So, what’s up?”

Private phone, huh? Poe closed his eyes for a moment, considering the implications of this, but he remembered himself and filed it away for later. Or never, yes, probably never.

“I hope you won’t be found then,” he said, and instantly regretted it. What did it even mean? “Uh, that is – I need a piece of advice. Do you think it’s a good idea to take Kū to a garden party? There will be, uh, around thirty people I guess? And some kids, and two friendly dogs, and–”

“Sounds good, as long as there will be some space for Kū to take a break if she feels unsure.” It was a very strange sensation, listening to Jones speaking like this, and knowing that he was tucked in somewhere, talking to Poe even though he shouldn’t. Certainly it should be filed away for never too; Poe had enough problems with his focus even without that. “Take the invisibility cloak for emergencies, warn your friends that Kū shouldn’t be crowded, and have fun!”

“…Thank you,” he replied slowly. It sounded easy enough, which probably meant that there would be problems, and not only due to Kū’s issues. “And sorry for the trouble,” he added quickly, remembering himself.

“No big deal, man. But next time use the number from my e-mail footer, okay? So I don’t have to hide in the supply closet to talk.”

“I – yeah, sure, I will. Sorry for that, too.” Poe rubbed his eyes with his free hand, utterly embarrassed.

“Don’t be. See you later, Mr Dameron. Oh, and you have fun too!” Jones said cheerfully, though still quietly, and disconnected.

Poe blinked at the phone, as if expecting some explanation to pop up on the screen, and turned to Ms Organa with a sigh. She was watching him expectantly, her brows up again.

“Well then, I guess we’re seeing each other next Saturday? I’ll pick you up around 1 PM, and I’ll let you know who will be driving you back.”

“Ma’am, really, you don’t have to – we need the child seat,” he tried, but she didn’t even pause.

“Then take yours and we’ll install it, for heaven’s sake, it’s not rocket science.” She shook her head, waved at Kū who waved back with a block in her hand, and turned to the door. “Bringing food is welcome, but not a must. And don’t you dare back out in the last moment, Poe Dameron, or there will be consequences.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

He walked her back to her car, promising again that he would come to the get-together and keep in touch in general. He almost forgot how commanding Ms Organa was, how she saw it fit to pry in everyone’s lives and orchestrate them as she pleased. Without question she was one of the most supportive people during his whole life – and especially during the last two years – but sometimes her support was so hard to bear.

“Take care,” she said finally, fastening her seatbelt, “and oh, Poe, do call your father sometimes, we talked some time ago and he’s awfully worried. See you on Saturday!”

Poe watched her drive away, in equal parts irritated, relieved, and touched. He had mixed feelings about the get-together, and he had yet to talk it over with Kū, but they could do this – not that he believed he’d actually have fun, even though he missed guys from work a bit. Yet he hoped that Kū would meet some nice kids and have a good time. And it would be a much needed practice in social skills for both of them.

He should go back and talk to Kū – he had a feeling that she wouldn’t be happy about the event either – but he couldn’t find enough enthusiasm in himself to convince her. Instead he found himself picking withered leaves from the large rhododendron bush which grew in his front garden, and thinking about nothing in particular but still feeling distressed.

“Get a grip,” he muttered, crushing the leaves, but reached for the next ones anyway. He could lie to Ms Organa all he wanted, but the truth was – well, the truth was that he still had problems to focus sometimes, forgot things, and drifted away for no reason. And he didn’t had the notion that he was getting better, not really. Which was kind of shit, since he had a child under his care now – a child who just started to feel at home with him, who probably started to like him, and whose wellbeing he put at considerable risk, because –

Because what, Dameron?

He shook his head, trying to cast the self-wallowing thoughts away from his head, but wasn’t very successful at that. For a moment he wondered how would it be to tell someone the whole truth – not the watered-down version he once confessed to Ms Organa, not the wild guesses Karé or Iolo made sometimes, but everything as it was. For an unfathomable reason the first person he imagined talking to was Mr Jones, of all people. Poe could visualise just how he would get upset, and then angry, and then snap back to _professional_ – how he would inform him that, according to the child’s best interests, Kū would be taken away…

Poe shook his head again, threw the leaves into the container, and went to the house, no less distrait that he was earlier. But the sight of Kū building a tower from the building blocks with her brows furrowed and tongue stuck out in concentration cheered him up quite a lot.

“Need any help out there, little one?” he asked, sitting down and picking some blocks. “It’s a great tower!”

“It’s not a tower, it’s a _tree_!” Kū exclaimed, taking the blocks out of his hand and putting them aside. “I need the green blocks for the leaves.”

“Uh, sorry.”

“But you can hand me the yellow ones. Or–” she paused, and gave him an assessing look. “You can put them up, like here, see?” She placed a block on top of the construction slowly, making sure that he followed the movement. “Go on, your turn.”

Poe did as instructed, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. Kū explained the tree-building process using exactly the same vocabulary, and even the same tone which he used when he showed her how to form cookies or make a kite tail. Which was both embarrassing and more than a little endearing, so he grinned at Kū, handed her more blocks, and asked, feigning nonchalance:

“And will you show me how to do the leaves too, please?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, guys - March in general wasn't kind for me. But we're back on track, I hope.
> 
> Thanks for being awesome and supportive as always <3

“Oh man, it’s so good to see you! I mean –” Poe cleared his throat and run a hand through his hair, realising how it must have sounded. “We’re having a situation.”

“What sort of situation? And here, thank you for the umbrella, it might have saved me from drowning.” Jones smiled at him, as if Poe hadn’t just said something embarrassing. “Okay, tell me about the situation – what happened?”

“My goddamn parenting skills happened – uh, sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. Recently I’m saying a lot of stuff I don’t mean to all the time.” Poe dropped on the chair across Mr Jones, but then remembered himself and straightened up, trying to maintain at least tiny pieces of his image. Jones didn’t seem affected by that though; he watched Poe calmly, without a frown or a smile. “Well, remember this garden party thing I called you about? Yesterday I tried to explain to Kū how it will look like, you know – that there will be other children to play with, but also the grown-ups, that everyone will be nice and so on, but I did something wrong. Suddenly she became so nervous, and insisted we must take BB-8 – the cat, I mean – that we have to take her with us, but I disagreed.” He took a deep breath, remembering the scene, and grimaced slightly. Jones didn’t comment though, his face impassive. After a moment Poe cleared his throat and continued. “We cannot take the cat, there are two dogs there, and BB-8 doesn’t like crowds and noise, and besides – I don’t know, it just doesn’t look like a good idea.” Poe looked up again, but there was no reaction still, apart from a small frown on Jones’ face. It made him feel more than a little discomfited. “So I said it’s not possible, and then Kū started to cry and shout that she would not go without BB-8, and I – shit, I snapped. I told her – I shouted at her, more like – that she would not yell at me, and that she should go to her fortress and stay there until she is ready to talk calmly. So she stays there second day in a row, barely eats anything, doesn’t talk to me or let me come in, and I have no idea what to do.”

“I see,” was all Jones said. He was looking partially at Poe and partially beside him. For a long while he stayed silent, and Poe was getting more and more nervous, guilt and stress rising up his throat.

“Look, I know I screwed this up,” he blurted out, searching for Jones’ eyes. “I was kind of upset when we talked, but it’s no excuse, I know that. But I don’t know how to fix it!”

“When you said that she stays there – what did you mean exactly?”

This was bad, oh heavens, this was really bad. With an enormous effort of will Poe stopped himself from burying his face in his hands and muttering profanities – he was quite sure it would be featured in today’s report, because there was not an ounce of sympathy in Jones features. His mouth was pressed into a thin line, his brows were knitted together in a serious frown, and his whole posture radiated concern. Well then, they day came and Poe finally did fuck up the only thing he promised himself he wouldn’t.

“She comes out when I call her, for dinner or bath, but then she goes straight to her room, no talking, nothing. I talked to her through the door and apologised to her for shouting, but she won’t come out anyway.” This time he gave in and covered his face. It felt easier somehow, not looking at the empty spot on the couch where Kū would normally sit, or at Jones’ solemn face.

“That’s – well, that’s better than I thought.” Jones cleared his throat and Poe looked up. He didn’t seem angry or disappointed, and didn’t assume his terrible professional mask either. He seemed – worried. “Did you tell her that you are not angry at her?”

“No, I–”

“Then go and tell her, I’ll wait right here. It’s important – she is probably waiting for the punishment, so–”

“Jesus, what? I would never!”

“I know that,” Jones said with a sigh, and a small smile. “She doesn’t. Apart from everything Kū went through, six-year-olds in general only start to learn about consequences, rewards and punishments. In their world there is no clear causal relation between the act and the consequence, you see? Now, go to her, tell her that – you’re not angry, and ask her to come out.”

Poe dragged himself up and went to Kū’s room without looking back at Jones. Even though he knew it was not technically possible, the feeling of a judging stare piercing the back of his head was impossible to shake off. It made speaking even more difficult that it already was.

“Kū, kiddo, can we talk for a while?” he asked, his head rested on the door. “Please, come here and talk to me.” He waited a moment, and there was no reply, but he could swear he heard a movement in the room. “Look, I wanted to say – I’m sorry I shouted at you, it was a bad thing to do. I’ll do my best to never shout at you again, I promise. Can you forgive me?”

The silence on the other side of the door was unbearable, and he wanted to scream just to fill it in. But then he heard a quiet, muffled “Okay,” and couldn’t hold back a grin.

“Thank you, Kū,” he said, and meant it. “Do you think you can come out now? I’m not angry at you – I never was angry at you, okay? Never ever. You were upset and I didn’t know what to do, and I shout like this when I don’t know what to say, sometimes. And it’s bad, I should never shout at you. But I’ll be better,”  he added, more to himself than to her.

“Okay,” she repeated, and this time her voice was clearer and closer. And then, after a pause, “I shouted too.”

“So, can you come out and we make a deal? No more shouting?” He moved away from the door, watching the handle for any movement, but there was none. “Well, come out when you are ready, please. Mr Jones is here and he wants to talk to you too. Okay?”

“Yes,” Kū said, but didn’t open the door. It took really a lot of him not to open them himself.

“Good, we’re waiting in the living room,” he offered instead. “I’ll be very happy if you come.”

When he entered the living room, Mr Jones was scribbling something on one of his countless papers – Poe wasn’t even sure why he carried them around, because he rarely used anything. He looked up at Poe, still frowning.

“So, how did it go?”

“I apologised, I told her that I’m not angry, and asked her to come here.” Poe shrugged, defeated. A moment ago the fact that Kū accepted his apology was important, but now it seemed laughable. “She mostly said _okay_.”

Jones nodded, and if he was unimpressed by that, he didn’t let it show. “Well, look man, there is some serious stuff we have to talk trough, so sit down and – oh, hello Kū!”

“Hello Mr Jones,” Kū said. Poe turned around and smiled at her, taking in the unkempt hair and the shirt which certainly was used for nose-wiping. “Hello,” she said to him, making an awkward grimace.

“Hi, little one. I’m happy you came out,” he said quietly. “Really, I am. But, uh – you probably want to talk to Mr Jones now, right?” He turned to Jones, who was about to say something, and made an uncoordinated gesture with his hand. “Just let me know when you are ready.”

He meant to go to the kitchen and whip up something edible from all the canned spinach he’d stored for bad days like this one, or maybe just make pancakes and give up vegetables along with pretences of responsibility this one time. Yet somehow he landed on the floor his bedroom with his back against his bed and his face in his hands, cursing without a pause for breath.

How on Earth did he survive so long being such a moron. He should have refused going to the get-together in the first place. It was an idiotic idea and he knew it, but he clearly had no guts either to tell it to Ms Organa and stay at home, or to suck it up and go to the damned party without unnecessary dramas. But alas, what did he do instead? Vented his frustration on a child instead, was what he did – a child which had had enough dealings with yelling idiots to fill in several lifetimes. Instead of talking to Kū straightaway after Ms Organa left, he put it away – he told himself that he was unsure how to approach the topic, but in fact he reminisced the previous summer get-togethers all the time, and got more and more keyed up with every passing hour. Like the one where Iolo brought a cranberry pie with wonderful crusty top, but almost raw on the inside, but Muran ate half of it anyway. Or when they arranged an impromptu karaoke session with Poe playing the guitar, and everyone sung the cheesiest love songs of all time, Ms Organa included. Or the second one Poe went to, when they announced that they’re engaged and everyone demanded that he and Muran kissed, and Mr Solo wolf-whistled, and heavens, it was embarrassing. Or how he and Karé always, always wound up sitting under the chestnut tree, drunk silly, and sharing deep secrets which they wouldn’t say aloud to anyone under any other circumstances. Or that one time when Muran said, _hey, it’s a lovely night with all these little shiny fuckers up there, let’s walk home_ , and they did walk for over eleven miles, both completely merry, holding hands and saying the dumbest, most endearing things Poe had ever said or heard.

And now he was to go there and face these people again, alone but for the child everyone knew Muran had never wanted. But he couldn’t do it – it was too much, seeing the places where they only were together, talking to the people who only knew them together, and all this without Muran’s hand to hold, or voice to listen to, and the thought was enough to make Poe’s stomach lurch, and his heart hammer, and his eyes sting. He was so alone, and he missed him so much that it hurt, for all this time.

“Uh, big one? Are you – are you there?”

Poe startled and blinked, his vision somewhat blurry. Jesus, he had a councillor at home, and a child to take care of, and he was sitting in his bedroom and throwing himself a pity party.

“Hi, kiddo, sure, come in.” The door was open and Kū peeked inside, her face solemn but without any traces of anxiety, thank heavens. “Oh dear, you look like a little sheep with your hair like this, we’ll fix them later, okay?”

“Okay. But–” she paused, considering something; he offered her the best encouraging smile he could muster at the moment. “You look more like a sheep, because you have beard. But come on now, Mr Jones wants to talk to you, and he said you’ll have to draw something too.”

Drawing didn’t sound good – it fact it sounded terrifying, but Poe nodded, led Kū to the garden door where she left him to play in the sandbox, and returned to the living room, where Jones was probably writing an essay, glancing at Kū’s drawing from time to time.

“I heard I’m to draw something too,” he said, as lightly as he could, though he had no hopes of fooling Jones with that. He hoped that if it came to drawing, it would be the tree – he read everything on the tree-drawing test in the internet before his admittance procedure, and could nail it even now. Probably.

“Not really, you know, sometimes we manage even without trees and houses.” Jones gestured for him to sit down, and again he looked worried. Poe didn’t like that look at all. “I know we were meant to talk about schools, and we’ll get to this, but let’s sort out the issue at hand first. Tell me, Mr Dameron – whom do you talk to when you have a problem?”

“I – what? I called you last time, didn’t I? Was that not okay?” Poe took a deep breath to calm down, because it felt like the admittance interviews all over again. Jones shook his head and was about to say something, when Poe understood the question. “Safety network! You’re asking about my safety network!”

“Yes,” said Jones slowly, frowning, “that’s precisely what I’m asking about.”

“I – I have a very good safety network,” Poe said to give himself a few seconds to think, but all that came to him were the same clichés which he sold to the foster care centre interviewers. And he was more than certain that Jones wouldn’t fall for them now. “I know that my immediate family is away, but I’m in touch with my father, and I have very close and supportive friends, who–”

“Who never visit you here, except for one nice lady who brought Kū building blocks,” Jones interrupted, making a placating gesture. Poe realised that he was all tense, with his fists balled up on the table, and forced himself to lean back and unclench his hands. “Kū doesn’t know them at all, which means that you don’t talk about them, either. The only time you mentioned asking someone for advice, it was some random strangers from playground. And now, when you are about to meet with some friends on a garden party, you look like someone waiting for a sentence. Hey, man, don’t look at me like that, I’m not–” Jones shook his head again, and offered a small lopsided smile. “I’m not accusing you or something, but I’m worried. Even if you are a single parent, raising a child is not something you can do alone. And – seriously, you’ll worry yourself to death at this rate. You need someone to help you, to advise you, someone to – to talk to, about children and other things, about your life. It can’t go on like this.”

“It wasn’t a problem before,” Poe admitted, looking at the backs of his hands. There was a small triangular scar at the base of his right thumb. The indent from the wedding band on his left ring finger was all but gone. “But recently I got – I focused on myself. But I’ll do better, with the friends and all that, I will–”

“I know, I know you will. You don’t have to assure me you’ll do your best, man, because I know that. But hey,” Jones paused and searched for Poe’s eyes, as if to make sure that Poe listened closely. “You do it for yourself too, understand? If you want Kū to be happy, you need to be happy yourself, and for real – no half-assing and fake smiles. Promise me.”

It was – honest, and hell if Poe had any idea what to do with it. What do you do when someone who has no obligations to you, but puts up with your shit with nothing but kindness, asks you to be happy? _I can’t_ , Poe could say, or, more accurately, _I forgot how_.

“I can try,” he said instead; it came out as a whisper. He cleared his throat, feeling more embarrassed than he had in a very long time. “I mean, I _am_ happy, but – I’ll try harder.”

“There is no try, man.” Jones straightened up, and this phrase reminded Poe of something he heard somewhere, maybe from his father. “Okay, now I have here the letters for the schools you’ve e-mailed me about...” He started to shuffle his papers, and Poe gaped at him, blinking.

“That’s it?” he asked, and Jones looked up, pulling out some sheets of paper from his stack. “You are not going to,” he waved his hand, not sure what to say. “For the shouting?”

“No, I’m not going to lecture you about shouting. You know it was a wrong thing to do.” Jones paused, clearly waiting for a reaction, so Poe nodded. “You apologised, and promised to work on this, and Kū understands this. We’re good here, man. Now let’s focus at the school enrolment, shall we.”

Poe focused on the school enrolment, which seemed more complicated that it was – at least according to Mr Jones, who assured him that support from the foster care centre meant that the place for the kid was usually found without any issues on the school’s side. On Jones’ request he wrote down the schedule, using Kū’s drawing paper and a blue crayon, and he promised to send out the applications along with the centre’s recommendation letters as soon as possible.

“It’s the fast track, so you should hear from them within two weeks.” Jones glanced at the light-blue notes, and then up at him, with a smile. “Let me know straightaway, okay? I want to get in touch with the staff before they all leave for holidays.”

“Yes, of course.”

They could part like this; Mr Jones gathered his things and went to the hall, and it seemed all right, but Poe could see that it wasn’t. Despite the smile and pleasant, casual tone there was worry in Jones’ face – and it was unsettling how he could read this man, not much more than a stranger by any means, but that was a thought to file away for later. Or better for never. And the thing was, Poe didn’t want the man to worry about him, because –

“Is there anything else that troubles you, Mr Dameron?” Jones asked, his hand on the door handle. Poe felt the breath in his throat catch, and the half-formed sentences scurry away from his head. There were so many things that troubled him, but he couldn’t share a single one, even though he dearly wanted to.

“Thank you,” he said instead, looking at his feet, and then up at Jones. “You are always so – helpful,” he managed after a pause. _Understanding_ , he wanted to say instead _, kind_. “I don’t quite know how to say it, but I appreciate that. A lot.”

“That’s – that’s good, great, thank you.” For a moment, Jones looked away, as if that was unwelcome. Poe cleared his throat, scrambling for an apology, but then Jones turned back to him and said, “Thank you,” in the same earnest tone as before. “Please, take care.”

Poe stood in the hall, even though the door closed after Jones a moment ago. It all felt unsettling: everything that was said here, and everything that wasn’t. It made him feel guilty, all of it – but the worst of it was the focus, the attention he’d given to Jones even though he had no right to do so. It felt like a betrayal, though Poe couldn’t say of whom exactly.

“I’m not like this,” he said aloud, but without conviction. Well, he thought to himself bitterly, raising his hand so that he could see the scar on the thumb, I was always a poor liar.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi folks! First, as always, thank you all for your wonderful support! <3 <3 I love each and every of you and I read your comments when I need cheering up. Thank you! <3 <3
> 
> Second, sorry for the short update - my RL is killing me, my PhD thesis deadline is looming over me like a Star Destroyer, and in general bad things are happening. But worry not, next time will be longer - finally we go to the party!

He was quite surprised that he slept through the two following nights, even though there was this nervous edge to everything he did. He sent out the school applications, making sure to pack the right recommendation letter with each one, and introducing Kū to the joys of placing post stamps. On their way back they stopped at the local library and Poe inquired about the reading times, and other activities provided for children and their parents, because no one would say that Poe Dameron couldn’t build a goddamn network like a pro. Kū, astounded with the number of books and colourful items around, wasn’t sure if she wanted to join the library when he asked her, but when the friendly librarian showed her the glorious shelves full of albums with animals, she made her mind. After a brief fumbling around the registration form and the different surnames, Kū marched out of the library, hugging _Animals of South America_ close to her chest, and Poe carried a small story book about a girl who built planes with a smile and a fuzzy feeling somewhere in his belly.

But then, after they got back, ate lunch, and analysed all photos of sloths available in the book, Poe sighed and said, “Kū, I want to talk about the party tomorrow, okay?”

“Yes,” she replied, even though it definitely didn’t sound okay.

“I told you that there will be my friends there,” he said slowly, looking at the book in his lap. “I will show you some pictures of them, okay? And tell you who they are, so you know them a bit already, when we arrive.”

The printed photos were – somewhere, and he wouldn’t look for them right now. Instead he logged into his Facebook, ignored two millions messages and alerts, and found Leia Organa’s profile.

“Look, that’s Ms Organa, remember her?” Kū nodded, her face as focused as it was during Animal Planet shows. “And here’s her dog, Threepio.” The afghan hound on the picture looked like all burdens of this world befell on his shoulders, but he bore it with dignity. The contrast with Ms Organa’s smiling face was comical. “He can bring sticks and toys if you throw them.”

“Like BB-8?”

“Even better,” Poe assured, which earned him a disbelieving gasp. “And here’s Ms Organa’s second dog, Artoo–”

“Fluffy!”

“Oh, he is, kiddo. And he loves hugs and belly rubs, and if he really, really likes you, he’ll lick you all over your face.” The memory of this special caress made Poe grimace, but Kū seemed delighted with the possibility. “And here we have Ms Organa’s husband, his name is Han Solo, and he is – kind of grumpy. He says weird things, but he’s nice too. He’s, uh, he’s like Grumpy Bear!” he added, somewhat terrified that the cartoon drilled itself into his head without his knowledge. But it was a good tactic, because Kū nodded wisely, giving poor Solo an assessing glare. Grumpy Bear was clearly not her favourite. “He grumbles and mumbles, but has good ideas and, all in all, is rather friendly.”

On Kū’s request he looked for some more photos of Organa’s dogs, but then went to Iolo’s profile, filled mostly with photos of fancy food and artistic shots of architecture in dim light. There was however a somewhat blurred group photo of him, Karé, Karé’s husband, and Kaydel in some dark interior. Kū took in their smiling faces with a frown.

“They have visited us, remember? Just a few days after you arrived?” Poe wasn’t sure if bringing it up was the best idea, because when Snap, Karé, and Jess had decided to drop by unexpected to “meet the baby”, Poe hadn’t been able to manage the situation at all and Kū’d hidden in the wardrobe. “They are loud, sometimes, and talk a lot. But they are friendly, and they will like you, you know?”

He showed her some more photos, and after a moment she started asking questions about Kaydel’s gown and mortarboard (at which Poe made a mental note to congratulate Kaydel about her graduation), Iolo’s cerulean hair (which in turn made Poe laugh a bit on the inside and plan some jabs about the midlife crisis), or Snap posing with a glider in aviator hat and goggles. And then there was a series of older photos of their group, and Kū exclaimed, “Look, it’s you! You have no hair!”

“I have, they’re just short,” he replied automatically, blinking very quickly. He didn’t mean to go that far, but there he was, staring at what was probably their last party before the accident. They were celebrating Jess promotion, so she was sitting in the front, all coloured-up, in a paper crown askew on her head, with Snap and Karé flanking her, Ello hovering over them with a comical grimace, and Muran hovering over Poe with his arms flung all-but-carelessly around Poe’s neck. His hair was too long; he’d meant to cut them shortly after the party but never got to.

“Why are you sad?” asked Kū suddenly, and he realised that he must have been staring at the photo for a long time, judging by the stinging of his eyes. “Is this picture making you sad? We don’t go there if you are afraid,” she insisted with a hint of fierceness in her voice.

“No, no, I’m not afraid, kiddo. They are my friends,” he said, and Jesus, he did sound miserable. Blinking hardly, because he wouldn’t cry in front of Kū, he tried to find the right words to explain himself, but there were just the most crude ones in his head. “It’s just – do you see the man right here? His name was Muran, and he – he was my husband. I loved him very much, but he died in a car crash over a year ago, and I miss him, you know? That’s – that’s why I’m sad.”

Admitting it like this left him short of breath, as if he’d just run a few miles. He reached up to cover his face, to shield himself a bit, and he realised that his eyes were wet anyway. He looked down at Kū, and found her watching him intently, with brows furrowed and lips pressed thin.

“He’s dead – like my mum?” she asked quietly, and he couldn’t bring himself to say anything, so he just nodded. “I miss her too. She is watching me from the clouds now, but I never see her.” Now it was Kū blinking rapidly, and her mouth was wobbly, and Poe would curse himself for upsetting her, but he didn’t have it in him. “I am – sad – too.”

“Hey, Kū, kiddo – hey, come here,” he whispered, opening his arms, and she scrambled towards him and hid her wet face on his collarbone. He didn’t dare hug her, not to scare her away; he stroked her hair instead. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he muttered, “you can cry when you’re sad.” And she did, weeping almost soundlessly. He wanted to say something, anything to comfort her, but all that came to him was, “Do you want a hug?” Kū made a small sound and nodded, so he held her close, and if he cried a little too, there was no one to see it.

Poe had no idea how much time passed until Kū finally shuffled against him and looked up, so he let her go. She sniffed and tugged at her hem to wipe her nose with it, but he was quicker.

“Oh no, you know that we’re not doing that! We wipe nose with a tissue,” he instructed seriously, stood up and handed her a box. “Here, one for you, and one for me.”

Kū did as requested and balled the tissue in her fist. She seemed unsure what to do next, and Poe didn’t have any idea either. He didn’t want her to feel embarrassed about crying though, so he knelt down and searched for her eyes, giving her the most reassuring smile he could.

“Look, little one, when you want to – when you’re sad, or happy, or want to talk about your mum, or – or anything. You can come to me, you know? You can always come to me, and we’ll talk, or cry, or laugh – it’s all okay.” After a while she nodded, and gave him a watery smile. “And now, how about we go to the kitchen and prepare food for tomorrow? You think you can help me with the strawberries?”

Kū helped with the strawberries mostly by eating them, but she took her task of stirring the sauce very seriously. Together they managed to prepare Poe’s famous guacamole and a salad which looked super-fancy, but took fifteen minutes to make, including blanching asparagus, and their moods brightened significantly in the process. When he tucked her up in the bed and read her the story of a girl named Rosie who wanted to build an aeroplane for her grandma, Kū seemed as calm and happy and ever. And, to his surprise, he felt calm too.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! As always, lots of love for you for being the best readers ever <3 Your support means a lot to me.
> 
> And now let me invite you to the party :)

The edge returned the next day though, when he couldn’t focus on a single thing, glancing up at the watch constantly. He paced the house nervously, forced himself to sit to keep from stressing Kū out, and jumped to his feet again. Luckily, Kū was occupied with BB-8 in the garden, and didn’t have to watch him turn into a nerve-wrack. Finally he remembered that he needed to take the child seat out of his car and went to the garage, happy for something to do. Unfortunately, Ms Organa was right and taking out the seat was not complicated at all, so it didn’t serve as a good distraction and he came back to pacing around the house. When he heard Ms Organa’s car, he almost sung a prayer in relief.

“Hey Kū, take BB-8 to the house and take your backpack, please! Ms Organa is here.” He looked out to the garden to see Kū scoop the cat and take her back to the house with an unhappy pout. “It will be fun, I promise!”

Kū mumbled something in reply, but he didn’t pay attention to that; instead he took the child seat and the bags with food and went to greet Ms Organa outside.

“You really didn’t have to bring food,” she said in lieu of a greeting, opening her boot and gesturing at him to place the bags in there. He squeezed his salad and guacamole in-between two huge portable freezers, and when he looked up, the child seat was almost installed. “I thought it would be better if Kū sat in the back with you,” she said, fastening the harness and giving the seat a firm tug. “Is it okay? Well then, go on and bring your girl.”

Poe went back to the house, fairly certain that he’d have to drag Kū out of her fortress. She hid there less and less frequently now, and even agreed to take off some of the sheets as advised by Mr Jones, but still it seemed the most logical place for her to be. She wasn’t there though; she waited for him in the living room, clutching her backpack and positively radiating determination.

“I have the invisibility cloak,” she informed him, before he even spoke. “If it’s scary, we can hide and run away.”

“Okay, kiddo.” He squatted down with a smile and reached for the backpack. “But it won’t be scary, I promise. Can I see what else you packed?” A short inspection revealed the stuffed dinosaur, a handful of crayons and some folded drawing paper wrapped in the now frayed invisibility cloak, the colour chalk they bought recently, BB-8’s favourite ball, and an apple. “Oh, this one is for the dogs, right?” He asked, taking the ball out of the backpack. “We can leave it at home, they have their toys to play with. But wow, you packed great, like a true scout!” He mock-saluted at her, and she lightened up. “Now grab your sweater and we can go.”

Kū greeted Ms Organa with moderate enthusiasm, but warmed up a bit when Ms Organa started telling her about all the tricks Artoo and Threepio would perform if offered snacks. Poe felt proud and accomplished, because Kū actually asked questions and replied with more than _yes_ or _no_. By the time he checked the child seat, harnesses, and safety belts, and finally placed her in the seat, Kū seemed quite excited with the adventure.

“You all right there?” Ms Organa looked at him in the rear-view mirror, driving out of his street and joining the traffic.

“Perfectly fine,” he said, and it was true. He didn’t have problems with being in a car, or even with driving one – as long as there was no one else with him. Having a passenger though, that was the hard part; it made him unfocused, constantly worrying, glancing off the road to make sure that everyone else in the car was all right. With Kū they mostly walked everywhere – he knew somewhere in the back of his head that it would have to change when she’d go to school, but didn’t realise that it was so soon. Driving lessons it is, he decided with a sigh, and only then he heard Ms Organa saying his name. “Uh, sorry ma’am, I got lost in thought.”

“No problem, I was just telling Kū that she should poke you in the ribs if you fall asleep, right Kū?”

“Yes!” Kū exclaimed, and she seemed so happy with herself that he decided it was better not to protest.

Instead he winked at her and made an offended face, and then told her a slightly embellished story on how he had fallen asleep during his finals once (true), snored so loud that he’d woken himself up (also true), and had had the supervising teacher watch him like a hawk for the rest of the exam (unfortunately, true as well), which he’d passed with flying colours anyway (not exactly true – he had passed, but barely, and it had almost cost him his scholarship). Ms Organa muttered something which sounded dangerously like _I hope it wasn’t your avionics final_ , which made him grin and waggle his brows meaningfully, even though it was actually some or the other maths exam. And then the car stopped in the driveway and Poe felt himself freeze mid-laugh, suddenly tense with anticipation. Kū must have picked up his nervousness, because she grabbed the seatbelt and looked up at him with round eyes.

“Come on, little one,” he said with a forced smile, and helped her out of the seat. “Let’s go meet the dogs!”

“Actually,” Ms Organa interjected, proffering Kū a hand, “could I ask you to carry these freezers for me? I’ll take Kū to meet everyone, okay?”

“And the dogs?”

“We’ll start with the dogs,” Ms Organa promised, and looked back to Poe, jerking her head towards the large grill and the group around it. “Please take these and take them to the grill, we’ll catch up with scruffy-looking squad later on.”

“Who’s scruffy-looking?!” Apparently Mr Solo wasn’t as deaf as Poe remembered; he was waving a large spatula, frowning mightily, and making a shooing gesture with his other hand. “I am as handsome as always,” he muttered, lowering his weapon and poking at the grill with it, and only then he acknowledged Poe’s presence. “But you, kid, you sure look like you lost a razor. You want Chewie to help you with that thing on your chin?” He made a gesture indicating Poe’s proud, two-weeks beard, which almost stopped being itchy like hell.

“No, I’m good. It’s on special request,” Poe inclined his head towards Kū, who was just being introduced to Artoo in his fluffy glory. “Where do I put these?”

“You never do that,” Solo shook his head, poking at the coals without any actual purpose. “Never let a woman dictate your looks. Or a man, whatever.”

“Just ignore the weakling, he has no guts to grow a beard himself.” Chewie, Han’s lifelong friend and therefore probably the most patient person on Earth, took the portable freezers from Poe and opened them to reveal an obscene amount of food. Well, he would know; he had this lumberjack-style beard and long hair ever since Poe remembered.

“Shut it, fuzzball!”

Mumbling something about the salad and the guacamole, Poe reiterated to the car, leaving Chewie and Solo growling at each other about connection between a beard and masculine beauty or lack thereof. He took out his bags and Kū’s backpack and closed the car, taking a quick look in the side mirror in the process. He didn’t look _scruffy_ – he actually put a considerable effort in his cool but casual look for today – and the beard wasn’t all that bad, now. And it wasn’t like someone potentially impressed with his looks saw him during last two weeks, when his face looked like an un-mowed lawn, right?

Right?

He heard a high-pitched noise and he whipped around, only to see Kū and two other girls – Snap’s daughters, he remembered – launching into a three-to-one wrestling match with Artoo. Snap, watching over this battle and shouting advice, saw Poe and waved at him with a smile. Poe meant to come over, but suddenly someone clapped him on the shoulder with a shout and he found himself facing Iolo.

“Poe, you son of a bantha, you actually came!” Iolo made a gesture as if to half-hug him, but Poe got punched in the arm instead. “You could give a guy a warning, I had a bet against you! Now I owe Karé a ten!”

“Yeah, glad to see you too, nutjob,” Poe said, rubbing his arm and giving Iolo an once-over. The colourful tattoo on his forearm was there when they last saw each other, but the turquoise streaks in Iolo’s hair were a new and, frankly, somewhat unsettling addition. “If I waited longer, I might not recognise you, now as you turn into a mermaid.”

“Shut up, Donkey Kong, I’m just embracing my artistic soul.” Iolo strode through the lawn, holding the pie he brought before him like crown jewels. Poe followed him with his bags, musing on how Iolo was the sensible one of their four back at the university, until he saw a bite mark on his neck and barely stifled a snicker.

“Oh boy, you have it bad, don’t you?”

“You have no idea.” Iolo shook his head, leaving the pie with Chewie and completely ignoring Solo’s bickering about his hair. He was grinning like he usually did, but softer somehow, and it was a change more striking than his blue head. “But hey, you have that special girl in your life now too, don’t you? C’mon, introduce me – oh wow, she looks like a pineapple!”

Poe looked at Kū and indeed, she looked like a halved pineapple in her yellow shorts, green t-shirt and a ponytail of sorts on the top of her head. She threw a stick for Threepio and waved at Poe, who waved back and gave her a thumbs-up. She was definitely a happy pineapple, and he said as much to Iolo, who laughed at his fashion choices no less than the playground mums. At some point Kaydel came over and told them to set the tables, while she and Jess tackled the plastic chairs. Poe remembered to congratulate Kaydel about her graduation, and was forced to listen to a long and twisted story on how Jess almost killed her yoga instructor with a rolled mat and got a free admission card for a Zumba class out of it, and was in the middle of arranging salads and condiments in a neat composition on the table when Snap dropped on the chair beside him and wrung his hands theatrically.

“Look, Poe, I’m sorry for what just happened, but it’s not like I could have prevented it. It was your fate, apparently,” he said in a tone which made Poe’s gut twist. He searched for Kū and saw her, Snap’s daughters, a boy whom he didn’t recognise, Artoo, and Snap’s wife Nika play a very loud and giggly version of a tag, in which Artoo was always the chasing one.

“Snap, you fucking laserbrain,” he gritted out, “don’t scare me like this.”

Snap just shrugged and said, “It’s worse than a scraped knee, man. My girls introduced yours to My Little Pony.” He shook his head dramatically, and pointed to Iolo. “Actually it’s his fault, because he looks, and I quote, _like Princess Celestia from the Equestria Girls_.” The last part was said in an ear-piercing falsetto. “Which is a sign of respect, in a way,” Snap added after a while. “But Poe, prepare yourself for the endless cry of _I want a pony!_ The worst part is before you.”

“I don’t know, she’s more sloths and airplanes kind of girl, but it’s a fair warning,” Poe said, or rather shouted over Jess laughing at Iolo’s new royal status. “Thanks for watching over Kū.”

“It’s okay, she’s a nice kid now, when she doesn’t run away screaming,” Snap said with another shrug. “She said to me, very politely, _Hello,_ _I am Kū and I came here with the big one_. Which is some level hard parenting, but man,” he paused to pour himself some water, “stop keeping her among dwarfs, if you’re the big one, I must be a fucking giant!”

It went – surprisingly well from there. They were offending each other as usual, throwing their worst mostly at Iolo and his secret artistic crush and ignoring both the interns and the higher management sitting at the opposite ends of the table. Poe spent most time talking about children though, with Snap, Nika, and Karé, who arrived late but managed to squeeze herself between Poe and Jess and embarrass Poe with a close hug first, and with a swat into the head later. He might have deserved the latter for greeting her with _You look so pregnant_ , though. Kū enjoyed herself too; he barely coaxed her to sit down and eat something, and she was already off with her stuffed dinosaur in tow. Then Solo produced a long cable from his car and Poe volunteered to watch over the rope-skipping. He ended up turning the rope along with the new marketing manager whom he didn’t know at all, but who was the mum of three tiny creatures running around his legs and jumping the rope like acrobats. Apparently she was a child-whisperer too – she managed not only to herd the children in some form of a queue, but also to teach them a rhyme to chant with the skipping.

“Come on, kiddo, you need to rest a moment and drink a bucket of water,” he said to Kū when Ms Organa announced ice-cream and the rope was abandoned with cheerful screams. “Rope-skipping is fun, isn’t it?”

“Yes! And also Mr Dino is a dragon now,” she huffed, tugging his hand, so he hummed in acceptance. She was flushed and warm, with her hair plastered all over her forehead; two buckets of water, he decided, nodding to her as much as to himself. “Because dragons are friends of ponies, and I want Mr Dino to be friend with Pinkie Pie and Fluffy Shy!”

“Yeah, that’s great, we want Mr Dino to make friends. And how about you, little one? Did you make any friends today?”

“Yes! Millie, and Ria, and Ty, and we play ponies again after the ice-cream!”

Snap, who heard the last part, snickered openly. It earned him a confused stare from Kū, who squeezed Poe’s hand tighter and took a step back.

“Don’t mind Snap, kiddo. He just wants to play ponies too,” Poe said, which made Snap groan instead.

“Okay,” she said, still eyeing Snap suspiciously, but then remembered her ice-cream and raised her hands. “Help me up? Please,” she added after a moment, and Poe nodded and obliged, giving himself a mental pat in the back.

Fortunately, some kind and wise soul – Poe strongly suspected the marketing manager – suggested chalk drawing after the ice-cream, saving the children from overheating. He equipped Kū with the box of chalk they brought and watched her all but plaster herself on the concrete driveway, listening with one ear to another absurd story slurred out by a mildly inebriated Iolo, then Jess, then Ello, and then he stopped paying attention. And all was fine until someone mentioned that one time when they decided it was a great to dance around the bonfire and Poe burnt his leg, because of course he did, and Muran had this great idea to carry him bridal-style, and almost broke his own legs in the process.

“Poe, man, you remember that? You squeaked like a fucking mouse!”

“Yeah, yes, I do,” he muttered – and he did remember, sort of. It was fuzzy from all the alcohol he had consumed that evening, but he had a pinkish scar on his heel to remember it by. “It was – uh, hilarious. I guess. I’ll – I’ll be back in a moment, I have to check on Kū.”

“Jesus, sorry man, I didn’t mean–”

“No, it’s okay guys, I’ll be back in a moment,” he lied with a smile plastered on his face.

He went towards the driveway, pausing by his favourite chestnut tree. Much to his surprise, Karé was sitting there in their usual spot, turned away from both the merry tables and the squealing children.

“Hey, sit down, would you,” she said without looking up. “I’m too sober for this.”

“For Iolo’s sonnets about his new girlfriend or for chalk drawing?” he asked, dropping by her. The familiarity of this made him more relaxed and more tense at the same time.

“All of it.” Karé reclined against the tree with her eyes closed, and he found himself watching her closely. She had her hair pleated at one side of her head into an intricate pattern, and threw the braids over her shoulder, which made her profile sharper, even though she’d rounded a bit on the edges during her pregnancy. She wore a long green dress which made her hands resting on her belly look like slices of a chestnut. “What?” she demanded, opening one eye.

“Nothing, I just thought that you look like a lovely giant chestnut.” He shrugged, grinning widely, and Karé snorted and flipped him off.

“Let me just stand up and I’ll kick you right in that unshaven dwarf mug, Dameron,” she announced and closed her eyes again. Poe didn’t protest, and they fell silent, which felt very comfortable at the moment. But then she said, without looking at him, “It’s good to have you here.”

“Yeah,” he muttered, and then, after a pause, “I really, really didn’t want to come.”

“Guessed as much.” Poe didn’t point out that she had betted for him anyway; he had already one kick in the face coming. “You know, I started to think that we lost both of you,” she said suddenly; now she was the one watching him sharply, and Poe suddenly forgot how to turn thoughts into words.

“I’m too sober for this,” he managed finally, looking anywhere but at her. “Karé, please, just don’t – don’t say anything, okay? I can’t handle this right now, I really fucking can’t handle this.”

“You can. And you do, shithead, just look at yourself and that kid of yours,” she urged, grabbing his hand and squeezing it painfully, making his knuckles go white. “But stop shutting me out, all of us, for fuck’s sake. I miss you – and you know I _hate_ being emotional,” she all but hissed, and pulled him into an awkward half-hug.

Poe blinked several times, too shell-shocked to point out a lie; Karé had been the one to hold him when he’d wept his eyes out after his first and last breakup with Muran, and she’d been the first to cry at his wedding. She was hugging him now, for heaven’s sake. “Sorry,” he whispered, unsure what else was there to say.

“Don’t be. Just – let us be here for you, okay? Now now, let go of me, you octopus, I want just sit here for a while,” she said breezily after a moment, as if they hadn’t just had a heart-to-heart. She let him go and reclined against the tree again. “I need my rest if I am to drive you home.”

Poe nudged her arm lightly and went over to admire chalk portrait of BB-8 – apparently all the ponies and dogs in the world couldn’t win her place in Kū’s heart – and some other drawings, and then listened to a story about Mr Dino the dragon and some viciously pink, horse-shaped monstrosities saving the day using the power of friendship. He was quite sure that Kū said more today than during her whole stay with him, and it was good, because he didn’t feel like talking at all.

They went home before the bonfire started – Kū was becoming antsy and scared of the louder and louder voices of the merry guests, and Poe was quite exhausted as well. He shouted his goodbyes in the general direction of the middle table, causing a clamour of protests urging him to stay and have fun, or at least to come to a next get-together, which he sort of agreed to in a non-committal way. Installing the seat took him a little more time than it did Ms Organa, but he managed to inspect all belts and harnesses just before Karé got impatient. Kū, bone-tired and covered in colourful chalk dust, felt asleep almost straightaway, hugging the stuffed dinosaur-now-dragon.

“I hope mine will be this calm too,” Karé mused quietly, and Poe couldn’t suppress a snort. If the baby got even an ounce of Karé’s genes, they would be all but calm. “What, miracles do happen.”

“I guess,” Poe said, thinking of Kū playing all day round among strangers and making new friends, cheerful like never before. Then suddenly he thought of that stupid conversation from a few days ago – _you need to be happy, for real_ , Jones’ voice said in his head – and felt the uneasiness creeping all over him. His brain made the wildest connections when he was tired, Poe decided, closing his eyes and shutting that memory out for good.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to keep you waiting so long. I am pleased to say that I survived a flat renovation and almost completed refurnishing, my PhD had somewhat progressed, and my work hasn't killed me yet. Oh joys of the adult life!
> 
> Thanks a million for hangin' around, folks. It means a world to me.

There were many things in his life which Poe never expected – he’d always insist that he had been meant to be a rock star, and not an engineer, for example – but such changes weren’t all that strange, all things considered. However, he’d never guessed that one day he would be standing in a supermarket and contemplating a murder.

“Kū, have you chosen already? We’ll be late to the library,” he said, looking at his phone. They could spend here no more than ten minutes, and there was a queue to the checkout last time he looked.

“Five minutes,” she replied – for the third time – in a tone which so clearly mimicked his own that Poe wanted to bang his head at the nearby shelf. It was even funnier, or more frustrating to be honest, that she had no idea what “five minutes” actually meant.

Well, Poe had no idea what Snap had meant when he’d warned him about the ponies, at least until about thirty minutes ago, when he saw the shelves filled to the brim with four-legged, huge-eyed, creepily cute creatures in every possible colour and form. It was about a hundred times worse than the Care Bears and he was, frankly, a little terrified. Kū in turn was enraptured, and wandered slowly along the aisle, taking in the sparkling pink glory, which was fun to watch for the first ten minutes. Then Poe got a little antsy, especially after a shop assistant wanted to help them choose – and Poe didn’t want anyone, himself included, to influence Kū’s decision about something apparently important. But after twenty minutes he felt a sudden urge to howl, which now turned into a need to murder someone. He had yet to decide whether it would be Snap, his daughters, the shop assistant, or the creator of the accursed equine creatures.

“Listen, little one,” he said very calmly, closing his eyes. “If you are not sure yet, we can come here on our way back from the library. Then you can choose as long as you want to.” He could feel himself cringe saying that last part. Kū gave him a strange look, but nodded and focused on the shelf again. With a sigh he was about to repeat his request, when she nodded again – this time to herself – took a blue stuffed pony with colourful tail and presented it to him with an unsure frown.

“Can we take Rainbow Dash? Please?”

“Of course we can take Rainbow Dash.” Poe grinned, and Kū smiled back. Not that he had any opinion on the matter, because he absolutely didn’t check out the ponies as soon as Kū started to watch the cartoon, but Rainbow Dash was the coolest one in the squad, hands down. “Now, let’s go to checkout and to the library, all right?”

They made it on time and Kū bravely marched into the circle of other children with the pony clutched to her chest. The nice librarian they’d met before and her assistant calmed the little crowd and Poe waved to Kū, to let her know that he was going outside. They discussed it before and he was going to wait for her in the reading room now – she could come find him only if something serious happened and the librarian couldn’t help her. So he turned now and almost bumped into a woman rushing into the room with a boy in tow. Poe blinked and recognised Albert from the playground, his chubby cheeks red from the effort.

“Good morning,” the boy huffed, and Poe smiled at him, suddenly realising how lucky he was.

“Good morning, Albert, Mrs Nunb,” he said, and then, running his hand through his hair, he focused only on Albert’s mother. He could do this – he used to do this all the time, before. “Mrs Nunb, if you excuse me – my name’s Poe Dameron.” He inclined his head towards Kū, who was now watching the librarian as if she’d been hypnotised. “Kū and I met Albert and his grandmother on the playground in the Memorial Park several times.”

“Eya Nunb, nice to meet you.” She grabbed his proffered hand in a strong grip, giving him a curious stare. She didn’t resemble the delicate swooning flower her mother-in-law had described – she looked more like a corporate shark, albeit not a man-eating one – but Poe wasn’t exactly surprised at that.

“Could I bother you for a moment? I learned that Albert goes to Jenkins’ Primary,” he said, as Mrs Nunb nodded, “and since I have signed Kū up there too, I wonder if you could direct me to someone with whom I could discuss some… things,” he finished lamely, and she just raised an eyebrow at him. “I mean – she might need some help adjusting to how school works. She’s been through a lot.”

“Well, the best you can do is talk with the first grade teacher,” she said with a small shrug. “They are available now and again during summer – the school holds various events for children, so you can check out your kid’s teacher and talk to them before the year begins.” Mrs Nunb considered something for a while, and then added, “I guess your girl – Kū, was it? – is going to land with Ms Kanata. She’s as crazy as they go, with all her hippie vibes,” Mrs Nunb paused, looked away at Albert, and made a face. “But the kids like her, and she cares for them. Or mollycoddle them, depending on your interpretation.”

“Oh, I am all for mollycoddling,” Poe assured, and earned himself another raised eyebrow, though it felt less judging this time. “I’ll remember to talk to Ms Kanata then, thank you!”

“Welcome, and see you on the playground sometime!”

Mrs Nunb left the library, and Poe really wanted to follow her, even if he had no place to be. It would be good to just walk somewhere without any special destination, or run even – and that made him shake his head at himself, he was never the sporty type. The babysitter hunting was looming before him inevitably, it seemed – but for now he sat down in the reading room as promised and thumbed through some magazines, listening to the squealing sounds coming from the children section.

He could have bring something sensible to read, of course, or ask the librarian to give him something more interesting than celebrities’ recent shenanigans and home décor, but he didn’t bother – he wouldn’t focus on reading anyway. Covering his face with _303 decorating tricks for your bedroom_ , he indulged in his favourite entertainment of the last few days, namely a tirade to himself under the working title _Stop thinking about anything really, Dameron, you’re just embarrassing yourself_.

It would be funny – well, it was quite funny and when he was in a better mood, Poe chuckled and shook his head at his own stupidity – but the problem was that it was making him unfocused, and he didn’t need it at the moment. Or at all. He had enough troubles remembering everything even without his brain playing tricks on him; that’s what it was, some weird figments of his tired mind, nothing else, and yet. Everywhere he went, everywhere he looked, he could swear he saw Mr Jones: walking through the park, or along the little ponies aisle in the supermarket, or in their grocery store. Poe knew rationally that it was impossible – even if Jones lived in the vicinity, there was no way he would stroll to and fro during regular working hours on weekdays. But still, he could swear the man lurked around them, close enough for Poe to register him in the corner of his eye, but never present when he turned.

It would be funny, but it actually made him livid. He didn’t need this – he didn’t _want_ this, truly. There were so many other things he should worry about, and instead he started to develop an obsession about his social services counsellor, of all people. The man might be helpful and kind, and even pleasant to the eye, but none of these qualities should sweep Poe of his feet. And yet he reminisced about their conversations now and again, completely unprompted, and turned around each time he thought he’d seen Jones even though he knew it wasn’t true.

I am not like this, he said to himself for the umpteenth time, blinking at the bedroom pictures in front of him. Then he heard clapping and cheering coming from the children section, and went on to collect Kū. She wasn’t very impressed with the story; the perspective of playing with the newly acquired pony was much more interesting than the shenanigans of two children and a parrot. As they walked home, Kū agreed to come for another reading though, and Poe already decided that he’d go for a run during that time. He quitted it months ago, so this would be probably more marching and panting than running, but it still seemed tempting, a moment to stop looking around and seeing things.

Kū set herself to arranging the Ponyville – and how did he even learn that name – as soon as they returned, building a house to shelter both Rainbow Dash and Mr Dino. He watched for a moment how she muttered the dialogues between the dinosaur and the pony, surprised how loud she was. In a positive sense, though; when Kū came to him, she barely talked at all, and now she was happily chattering about magic and friendship and flying. The general amount of noise she was making was heart-warming.

Listening with one ear to the housing problems of the magical friends, Poe checked his mail and found a serious-looking message from Ello about recent testing results, one from an unknown address with a cryptic title _Details_ , and, surprisingly, one from his father. _FRIENDLY sloth_ , said the title, and there was no text, just a video attachment. Poe opened it, and it turned out to be a ninety-seconds film featuring a three-toed sloth climbing a tree – thankfully, without mating calls this time.

“Kū, come here! The Beard Man sent you an e-mail,” he called, and she trotted to him, leaving the toys behind. Ever since their first interaction she liked Kes Dameron, and they had a few serious conversations in which she showed him her pictures of sloths and other animals, and he regaled her with some absurd stories about Guatemalan wildlife, making fun of Poe in the process. The e-mail, however, was a new thing. “It doesn’t say anything, but it has a film about a friendly sloth, look!”

She watched the video three times, looking at the sloth swinging on a branch as if it had been the most fascinating creature in the world. Poe made a mental note to check if there were any sloths in the local zoo; even if there weren’t, she would probably be happy to be around so many animals anyway.

“Can we send a film too?” Kū asked after a moment, her eyes sparkling. “About BB-8? Will the Beard Man like it?”

“Sure thing, little one. But you know what? We can send him a letter,” Poe said and smiled, seeing her eyes go even wider. “You can draw all the nice things: BB-8 and Mr Dino, and the pony, and whatever you want. And then we’ll send it all the way to Guatemala. He will like it even better.”

“He likes my drawings,” Kū observed, and Poe nodded seriously. “We can send them. And the film.”

She wanted to shoot the film straightaway and Poe obliged, but BB-8 wasn’t as cooperative: she mostly slept, and hid under the sofa when poked awake. The resulting video, according to Kū, lacked the dramatic flair which the sloth movie apparently had, and she sulked a bit until Poe agreed to play ponies with her. But even that would not console her, because he was a very poor impersonation of Mr Dino the dragon, said his lines all wrong, and forgot about the importance of magic, friendship, and rainbows all the time.

Poe meant to work on the testing results Ello had sent him in the evening, after he tucked Kū in together with the pony, the dinosaur, and the purring cat, but he felt slow and tired, as if he’d been a sloth himself. He wound up on the couch watching a guy shooting at everything what moved and chasing something on his bike, or maybe running from something, he wasn’t sure. His laptop lay forgot on the coffee table, and his brain puzzled through the plot, always thirty seconds behind of what happened on the screen. Suddenly he heard a thud of closed car door and Muran nudged him in the arm impatiently.

“Go on, sweets, we’ll be late,” he said and Poe drove, his head still a little fuzzy. The road before him was unlike anything he knew, but it felt familiar still, familiar enough to make him grip the wheel tightly, like a lifeline.

“We can’t go there,” Poe said, acutely aware where it was leading, but unable to stop the car. “We can’t–” And it sounded panicked and hoarse, but Muran just shook his head and smiled, and Poe tried to turn and drive away, but there they were, and he was shouting, and there was the tree, and the screeching tires, and he woke up, of course he woke up. Only Muran didn’t.

It was half past two in the morning, but his head was reeling and his heart was thrumming in his throat, and the thought of going back to sleep made him slightly sick. He downed a glass of cold water, and another one for good measure, but it didn’t help, and before he could stop himself he tiptoed to Kū’s room, nudging the door ajar only so slightly and peeking inside. She was sleeping quietly, barely visible under the menagerie, and Poe took a deep breath, letting the view calm him down. BB-8 twitched an ear and looked up at him with a quiet burble, but didn’t leave Kū’s side. I lost a cat, Poe thought as he closed the door, but he smiled at that.

With his head somewhat clearer, he scrolled through the testing results from Ello and was about to compare them with his own calculations when he remembered the weird message from earlier. He clicked in the _Details_ and had to read it twice to make sure that he got the meaning correctly, but apparently he did. _You’ll get the official paper in due time_ , the e-mail stated, _but I’m pleased to inform you that Kū_ _will be a part of my class starting from September. Here are my contact details, in case you wanted to talk._ And, to Poe’s surprise, the e-mail was signed by a Maz Kanata, Jenkins’ Primary teacher. It looked like a – well, a conspiracy was probably too big a word, but how did Mrs Nunb guess that? He blinked at the message, and before he thought any better, he forwarded it to Mr Jones. He was supposed to share the information straightaway, wasn’t he. _Good news_ , he wrote, feeling himself smile, and he added a smiley face just for a good measure. Look, Jones, I can spread the cheer all right, he thought, as he typed, _Do you think I should go meet with her?_

He was grinning to himself still when he opened his work file and concentrated on the numbers and schematics before him, as if he’d accomplished something, but then it hit him. Oops, he did it again, thought of what he shouldn’t, imagining what he shouldn’t yet again. I am not like this, he repeated, squeezing his eyes shut, but it didn’t work – not the first time, not the hundredth, and not now. He was exactly like this, he just didn’t have the guts to face it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks, sorry for the quiet, but I did it. I wrote my goddamn PhD. Thank you for staying with me and this story during this terrible time, I appreciate it a lot <3 Now the only thing that I need to finish is this fic and I will die a happy and accomplished woman.
> 
> In the meantime, get ready to visit Rainbow Dash in the Cloud Palace :)

“It’s open!” Poe called, because of course the doorbell rang when he couldn’t move. He knew it would happen and planned accordingly, and would give himself a pat in the back as soon as his hands would be free. “Please come in, we’re in the kitchen!”

Trying to ignore the quiet shuffling sounds in the hall, Poe raised his hands very, very slowly from the blue plywood roof which he was pressing to the equally blue walls. Mercifully, this time the glue worked and nothing moved or jumped out of place. The pony house, or the cloud palace, or however the thing was actually named, was finally ready. Kū beamed at him as he reached out to her, palm up.

“We did it! High five, kiddo!” She clapped at his hand with a squeal – they learned to high five recently, after watching the ponies do their hoof-bump, and it still was a source of joy. His palms were blue from the paint, and now hers were coloured too. “Now you can decorate it, or, I mean…” he trailed off and looked over his shoulder, where Jones stood in the doorway, watching them. “Later, we can do it together later, right?”

“Actually,” Jones said, looking at the pony house and at Kū, “as for me, we can stay here and decorate the house. If that’s fine with you?”

“Absolutely,” Poe managed, looking everywhere but at Jones’ face. How come that he was thinking about him all the time, and when the man was here, he couldn’t collect himself. Embarrassing didn’t even begin to cover that. “Go on, Kū, bring your stuff then.”

“A dollhouse, huh?” Jones took a few steps and studied the hinges in the ridge which allowed the roof to open. “It’s quite impressive.”

“I believe that a stable is the better word,” Poe said with a shrug, eyes fixed on Jones’ hands as they examined the front wall, which could be pulled away, leaving the two-story interior open to play. “It’s for a little pony, after all.”

“Should have guessed,” Jones muttered, but before he said anything else, Kū appeared in the kitchen with coloured paper, pens, scissors, finger-paint, and glitter glue, all stuffed into her backpack.

“Little one, you pack like a pro!” Poe exclaimed, and there was another high five. He, in turn, was ignoring Jones like a pro, but he had a feeling that it earned him a kick in the butt rather than a high five. “Okay, what do you want to do now?”

“Rainbows,” Kū said as if the question was just plain stupid. Which it probably was, given the house inhabitant’s name. She climbed up on the chair, opened the finger paint jars and started to use them all at once, covering the roof in multicolour smudges. Poe had the notion that the paint would be on everything in a moment, Jones’ suit included, but Jones didn’t seem affected by that.

“So you have a pony now, right Kū?” he asked, and actually leaned towards her instead of saving himself from the paint. “Can you tell me about it? What’s the pony’s name?”

“It’s Rainbow Dash! She is the quickest pony in Ponyville, she flies very fast!” Throwing her hands up in the air, Kū was just about to wreak colourful havoc in the kitchen when Poe intervened.

“Hey, hey, now, be careful with that paint! We don’t want everything to be in rainbows, right?” She didn’t listen to him, though, flapping her hands like pony wings. “Kū! Stop it, please!”

“But Rainbow Dash flies like that!”

“But we are not flying now, are we. We’re painting the house. So no hand-flapping,” he said sternly, even though the silent presence of Jones made him cringe at each word. Jones didn’t comment either his request, or Kū’s indignant muttering, maintaining a pleasant yet neutral face. It made Poe more nervous than everything so far. “Come on, let’s not sulk about it, okay? How about we put some glitter on the rainbows, to make them more magical?” He took the glitter glue and was about to put some on the roof, watching Kū from the corner of his eye. She pouted, but didn’t protest, so he dabbed some of the glitter here and there, and after a moment of moping, she followed suit.

“Well, Rainbow Dash is going to have a very pretty house,” Jones said after a moment, and Kū nodded seriously. “Did you play with the pony all the time, or did you do anything else recently?”

Rubbing her nose with her hand, and thus painting her face as effectively as the pony house, Kū narrated a convoluted story about the garden party, ponies, rope skipping, more ponies, high fives, and the sloth movie. Jones nodded and hummed in the right moments, and sometimes chimed in with some additional questions, glancing at Poe from time to time. Poe did his best not to stare back and focus on containing the glitters and paints instead, but he still was pretty sure that he had shining smudges here and there.

“A letter, you say? All the way to Guatemala? That’s serious business. Are you going to send it by yourself?”

“I draw pictures,” Kū explained, pushing the glitter tubes away and reaching for paper and scissors. “And write too. The big one promised to help.”

“I meant to write something in block letters with a pencil,” Poe explained, finally looking up. He wasn’t sure what he expected to see, because Jones looked absolutely normal, with his usual smile and watchful stare. “And then Kū would trace it after me with a pen or a crayon. We haven’t practiced this yet, but it’s going to be fun, right, kiddo?”

“Yes,” she said, but without much enthusiasm. Clearly she didn’t yet forgive him for stopping her flying attempts. Now she was focused at cutting out some weird shapes, but the results weren’t satisfying, and her mood changed rapidly for worse. “I can’t make the clouds!”

“Do you want me to cut them out?”

“No! I want to cut the clouds, but they are ugly!” Now she was seriously pouting, brows knitted together and arms folded. It was quite surprising; Kū would rather mope quietly than protest like that. Poe could only guess that the change was due to Jones’ presence, and it made him even more edgy.

“Then how about… How about I draw the shapes of the clouds, and then you cut them by the line?” Kū huffed, clearly unconvinced. “I’ll show you the first one, and then we can make more if you like it. Okay?”

She nodded, and Poe took the paper and pencil, and started to draw the cloud feeling like the worst moron in the vicinity. He wasn’t good at drawing – he could render a technical design, thank you very much, but free hand drawing just wasn’t his strong suit. The cloud that emerged looked more like a loaf of bread than an actual cloud, and Kū wasn’t very impressed either.

“Let me help,” said Jones suddenly, and Poe almost dropped the safety scissors. Today was officially the worst, or rather, he was officially the worst. Jones took a piece of thicker paper and a pencil and within mere seconds drew two fluffy clouds: one bigger and one smaller. Poe mutely handed him the safety scissors, but didn’t have it in him to look away when Jones worked. It should be funny how the tiny yellow scissors looked in Jones’ hands, but still the movements of his palms and fingers looked like magic. “Now look here, Kū – these clouds are our templates. If we want more clouds like this, we trace them around, like this – and we have an outline. Go on, try for yourself.”

Together with Jones, Kū outlined and then cut out several clouds, fluffy and pretty, and only waiting to be covered in glitter, but Poe registered it only partially. He forced himself to stop staring – it felt both idiotic and indecent, and he really shouldn’t be doing this, he told himself firmly – and let his eyes and mind wander aimlessly. His attention snapped back only when Kū yelled triumphantly, throwing her arms up in the air and knocking out a finger paint jar – a closed one, though.

“Yes, absolutely, it’s very pretty,” Jones assured, smiling at her.

“Right, little one, it’s beautiful. The perfect place for Rainbow Dash,” Poe chimed in, hoping that it was what they were talking about. He must have guessed right, because Kū beamed at him and extended a glitter-covered hand. “All right, high five! You worked very hard on this one. Let’s wash your hands now and you can show the house to the pony.”

After some fumbling with soap and the stool Kū used to reach the sink, she slithered away from him to bring Rainbow Dash and Poe was left with no buffer between him and Jones. He moved to pick up the paints and glitters, but paused thinking that it would be better if Kū did that herself, and let his hand drop. It must have looked ridiculous, and Jones, of course, took pity.

“And how did you enjoy the garden party, Mr Dameron? I hope it was less stressful than you expected?”

“Yeah, it was fine,” he replied, sitting down, but Jones watched him openly, smiling, as if he actually cared for Poe’s good time. Poe heard himself saying quickly, “very different from what it used to be, but still good. It’s a regular event, my boss throws this party each summer and I went to every one since I started working there, but after – I mean, after so many changes in my life, and with Kū…” He waved a hand, trying to collect his thoughts. “But it was good thing, truly.”

“I am happy to hear that. It will do you good, keeping in touch with your friends. Both of you,” he added, turning to Kū who run into the kitchen with Rainbow Dash in tow.

Yet Poe couldn’t shake off the feeling that Jones meant to say something more, or something else entirely. And he would like to hear that, he realised with a short inhale, he would like Jones to presume or guess, or _know_. It was a new thought, a risky one, exciting; it buzzed in Poe’s head, making him blink as if he’d just woken up. For some reason it felt even worse than the sonnets his mind was waxing about Jones’ hands or eyes, or smiles, when Poe wasn’t careful enough.

He helped the pony move into the new house, and then moved the house to Kū’s room, hoping that the distractions would clear his head a bit, but they didn’t. When he sat down to talk about the letter from Kū’s new teacher, he still felt on edge, somewhere between eager to see Jones drop his act, and anxious to see it. It was ridiculous how good it felt, how alive.

“Meeting with the teacher is a great idea,” Jones said, as if he didn’t notice Poe’s turmoil. “Especially on the school premises, so Kū can get to know the surroundings. If she is familiar with the layout, she’s automatically a lot less stressed about going to school.”

“I’ll write to Ms Kanata then. Do you – want to come along?”

“I might, but only after the centre gets the official confirmation. Next week, I suppose? I can call you when the documents come in.”

“From the supply closet?” Poe asked, before he could stop himself, and to his joy Jones ducked his head and smiled.

“Nah, man, I’ll be at my desk, all prim and proper this time.” Jones looked up and Poe could swear there was hint of colour on his cheeks. “I’ll have you know, I usually am. Professional, that is.”

“Yeah, sure. Don’t make me feel all so special, it does terrible things to my ego,” he retorted, and this time Jones did flush. It did terrible things to Poe’s ego, too, and he had to bite his lip to stop himself from irking Jones even more. But then Jones cleared his throat and straightened his shoulders, changing the mood with this one simple gesture.

“I’ll proceed with caution then, though I doubt I can make it any worse,” he said, standing up and shaking his head theatrically. “I’ll get in touch when the school letter comes – until then, you talk to Kū about school as we agreed, take her for a walk there, make it familiar.” He moved back towards the hall, smiling, as if nothing had happened. Maybe it didn’t, but Poe didn’t believe it. He wanted Jones to say what he meant; he wanted to shake the man to make him so, but he didn’t.

This nervous energy buzzed under his skin long after Jones left, making him pace the house and start various tasks only to abandon them a few moments later. It was ridiculous and dangerous and he knew it: pretences were the only thing he had to keep Kū with him. And now he was staring at the wall like a love-struck teenager, imagining what Jones would do if he knew the truth, or better – imagining Jones asking, wanting to know.

He heard a soft patter; suddenly BB-8 jumped on the sofa and rubbed her head against his leg. Blinking at him, she climbed on his knees and started to knead them, her claws scratching him through his jeans.

“You know what, buddy,” he mutters, scratching BB-8’s head, “I think I’m going mad, even more than before. I don’t know what I want.” At this BB-8 flopped on her side, purring, and he moved his hand to scratch her under her chin. “Or maybe I do, but I shouldn’t,” he added after a moment, and it seemed closer to the truth.

BB-8 blinked at him and curled to sleep on his lap, but it didn’t cheer him up as much as it usually did.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy there! Do you folks all remember when I said I wrote my PhD? Well, I sort of did, but now it feels like I have to tear it apart and put the pieces together again. Which sucks, but I am pushing through.
> 
> To make everything better have some kite flying and serious heart-to-heart, and also a phone call at the very end :)
> 
> And please remember that you're the best and I love you all <3

Not that Poe would admit it to anyone ever, but in recent months his internet reading list consisted mostly of stay-at-home mums’ blogs. The sheer amount of knowledge and skills he accumulated through this medium always surprised him, but now, when he had to prepare Kū for the beginning of the school year, the blogs seemed almost indispensable. He had a shopping list of school supplies ready, and another list with issues to discuss with the teacher, and he felt competent enough to answer any questions Kū might have. Now he waited only for Jones’ call.

He waited for Jones’ call so eagerly that it was embarrassing. It came to the point when he was actually fiddling with his phone, willing it to show an incoming call, but of course it wouldn’t work. Stars above, if someone saw him – well, someone more judgemental than Kū, at least – they would laugh their asses off. He could almost hear Muran cackle and say, as he used to, _I love how you get all emotional like this_.

“Kū, do you want to go out for a walk? We could take the kite,” he said finally, pushing the phone away. Enough was enough.

“Yes! Are we going to the river?”

“That’s fine. Go bring your hoodie and your backpack, okay?”

After she disappeared, he took his phone again, but this time he didn’t stare expectantly at the black screen. He opened his contact list and dialled a number, exhaling loudly. The phone beeped into his ear and he suddenly wanted to disconnect, but didn’t get the chance.

“What did you do to him, you sick bastard!” A voice roared in his ear, and Poe couldn’t but flinch and move the phone away from his ear.

“It’s me, and don’t swear so loudly, there are children in here,” he said with a sigh.

“It cannot be you, you never call unless it’s an emergency, and you don’t sound like it’s an emergency. So, you are a pod person, and I am not taking you to our leader.”

He snorted at that, and shook his head. “How are you, Karé? In for a walk, or are you too heavy to move already?”

“I just felt a surge of energy, you know? Isn’t that fascinating? Now I can not only go for a walk, but also place a few good punches on someone’s face.” This time she laughed too, and he could still hear smile in her voice when she asked, much quieter, “So, there is an emergency, huh?”

“Not really, but I could use a few smacks up the head.”

“I live to serve,” Karé muttered. There were soft noises and thumps in the background; she was getting ready for the walk, Poe guessed. “But you will owe me, Poe, don’t think for a moment that you won’t. Where to?”

He told her the directions and they agreed to meet in twenty. Karé must have been really curious about the whole situation though, because she was sitting on a bench waiting for them even though she lived farther from here than they did. She admired the kite for a while, nodding sagely to Kū’s explanations about how it worked, and smiled at Poe when she said that the kite was pretty and looked like a dragon. After some fumbling with the rope, they sent the kite up in the sky and Kū run ahead, jumping along the way.

“She’s adorable,” Karé said, and snorted seeing how Poe puffed up with pride. “I mean it, she is. And she’s so happy too. You should keep her forever, you know.” She must have heard his stifled sigh, because she looked down at him, frowning. “Is it possible, though? I have no idea how it even works. Now you have her only temporarily, right?”

“Right, but there is an option – it’s complicated, though, and it doesn’t depend entirely on me. Her father would have to surrender his rights to her, and only then I could adopt her, if the court agrees that it’s for the best.”

“Well, obviously –” Karé trailed off and placed a hand on his shoulder, urging him to a halt. “Look, when I first saw Kū, she was terrified, of everything and anything. She hid in a wardrobe, remember? And now, just look at her.” She waved a hand in Kū’s general direction, and made a mock-serious face. “Hello, good morning, it’s my kite, and it’s also a dragon, we built it together and now I’m off to frolic on the meadow.” With an irritated huff she shook his shoulder gently, and continued, “The bastards in the court would have to be blind to miss it.”

“Yeah, yes, she’s a great kid,” he said with a smile, turning to look at Kū. “She does it all on herself, you know? I only gave her space.” Karé shook her head and gave him a small push, but said nothing. “I think it’s the other way round, you know. She changes me for better.”

“I think we all should give her a medal then.”

They walked past the tree where he’d met Jones, and Poe cast a quick glance towards it, even though there was no change for Jones to be there. It hit him again, the weird mixture of relief and regret.

“Come on, spill,” Karé said, nudging him on the elbow. “It couldn’t have been your emergency, this kind of self-pity earns you only one smack up the head.”

“There is no emergency. I’m just an idiot,” he admitted, looking away from the tree and staring at his feet. He regretted coming here, of all places, and asking Karé for help. He was so unprepared for this.

“You’re not, you’re just an emergency in the making. But I think it’s part of your charm,” she added with a shrug. “What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything yet – Jesus Christ, Kū!”

Kū must have tripped over something when he wasn’t looking at her, because she was sitting on the grass, clutching her hands to her chest, and sniffing. As soon as he knelt in front of her, she blinked and started to cry.

“Hey, kiddo, are you hurt? Can you show me where it hurts?” he asked, scanning her for injuries. Luckily, it seemed that there was nothing worse than scratches on her palms, which she showed him without a word. “Oh no, you poor thing! We’ll clean them and put a plaster, okay? Come on, little one,” he muttered, digging a water bottle and a tissue from the backpack, “let’s clean the scratches, it may sting a little – here, all done. Here you go, wipe your nose.” He handed her another tissue before he wiped her nose with her sleeve, and fished out his wallet, where he had stashed a few colourful plasters (courtesy of stay-at-home mums’ knowledge, again). “Now be a brave girl, Kū, and hold steady – great, you have little Moomins here on your hand. Is it any better now?”

“Yes,” she said, smearing the tears with the back of her hand. “Want a hug, please?”

There was a hug – a serious one, during which Kū sniffed a little more, leaving stains on Poe’s shirt, and he whispered to her that she was very brave, and the scratches would heal in no time. Then she slithered away, feeling better now, and looked around for her kite, which luckily had been retrieved by Karé. In no time she was off again, though her step was somewhat less bouncy.

“Once a boy scout, always a boy scout, huh?” Karé nodded at the small backpack, and Poe shrugged. “The Moomin plasters are cute though, I want one with Little My. No, don’t look for them, silly,” she swatted him in the shoulder, as he started to dig in his pockets again. “Just saying. Don’t think that you get to distract me with plasters.”

Of course, Poe thought, she wouldn’t let go. But he asked her first, so it was all his fault, in a way.

“I’m not distracting you, I’m just – I’m not sure if – oh fuck,” he muttered, dragging his hand over his face. “It’s nothing, I’m just irresponsible, there’s nothing else to tell.”

Poe expected a yell of protest, some nagging, an insistent nudge in the arm, but none of these came. It was surprising enough that he turned to look at Karé, who stared at him openly, with worry written all over her face. He started to mumble an apology, but she shook her head, her frown deepening.

“Poe Dameron,” she said quietly, as if she didn’t quite believe it herself, “you are in trouble.”

“I’m not, Karé, I swear, I’m – it’s not like that.” He covered his face again, trying to find the least embarrassing way out of this situation, or at least a way to explain himself in full sentences. “Okay, well, there is this guy, it’s nothing serious and will never be, because – uh, there are reasons, but still, sometimes I want to, I don’t know, pretend it could happen… But shit, it’s wrong on so many levels and I know I shouldn’t even think of it, and – you see, I don’t know what I want. Told you, I need a few smacks up the head to clear it,” he added with a shrug and a sheepish smile, looking at her again. But instead of the jest he expected, he saw her frown again.

“You know what,” she said after a while, looking away at the river, “out of all people I know you never seem to be in doubt. You know what you want and you go for it, even if you want stupid things sometimes, or get down to it in the worst way possible. Which is quite often.”

“Thanks, Karé.”

“Even after the accident you acted like this, you decided to turn your whole fucking life upside down and you did it.” She shrugged, and there was a hint of bitterness in her voice. Poe felt that he should apologise, but didn’t. “The only think you’ve ever been unsure about was whether you should ask Muran out or not, because of that _best-buddy-almost-a-brother synergy_ thing, which, eww, even after all this time.”

“It’s not like that,” he repeated insistently. “It can’t be, it would be – wrong.”

“Why? And I swear, if you tell me it’s because Muran’s dead, I will punch you in the face, really.” Karé didn’t sound bitter now, she sounded angry. _I thought we lost both of you_ , she’d said at the get-together, and maybe they did, in a way. Maybe Poe lost all of them too, when he disappeared in his new house behind his white fence, days and weeks without getting in contact.

“Isn’t it a reason enough?”

“Is it?” she snapped, and blinked rapidly. “Don’t be dense, for fuck’s sake – you know the answer for yourself. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but don’t pretend you don’t know your mind.”

They walked quietly till they reached a bench; Karé flopped down with a weary sigh, and Poe perched at the other end, waving at Kū to come along.

“I shouldn’t want it, you know,” he said eventually, digging out bunch of bananas from the backpack and giving one to Kū, and one to Karé. The latter snorted, only to cover it with a fake cough and a _thank you_ at Kū’s shocked face.

“I know. That’s why you are in trouble.”

“Why are you in trouble?” Kū asked, looking up from where she was peeling her banana. She pouted, clearly worried, and turned to look at Karé. “Why is he in trouble?”

“It’s not real trouble, it’s an imaginary one,” Karé assured, smiling at her and somehow glaring at Poe at the same time. “Sometimes we think we have a very big problem, but then it turns on to be very small and easy to solve.”

“Like a dragon? It is very scary, but then the dragon is not scary because it wants to be friends with the ponies! Oh no!” The top half of the banana broke off and fell down into the dirt.

“Now that’s a real problem,” Poe said, and handed her his own banana. “But it’s easy to solve too. Give me the broken one, okay? And you –” He turned to Karé, searching for words to berate her for upsetting Kū, but she was smiling at him with genuine affection. She was always open with her feelings, but this smile was a rare thing, and one that always caught Poe off-guard. “Thank you,” he said instead.

“Anytime, man. In return you’ll drive me to the hospital when the time comes.” She shoot him a toothy grin, ignoring his sudden paleness and sharp inhale. “My bet is that Bastian will be on a business trip and I could use someone panicking more than I will.”

“I can panic like a pro, but we’re going to get a cab.”

Any further discussion on his driving – and he could see that Karé was readying for it – was interrupted by Kū asking Karé whether she was going to the hospital because of the baby in her tummy pocket. Poe wasn’t sure if the change of topic made him much more comfortable, but apparently none of the ladies minded chatting about how babies grew in their mums’ tummy pockets and then rolled out when ready, which probably was a good thing. They walked slowly towards home; Kū bounced now and then, her previous fall all but forgotten, and chatted Karé up with surprising persistence. How the conversation went from babies back again to ponies and dragons by the time they reached the street crossing was beyond Poe, but Kū asked him if Karé could come one day to see Rainbow Dash and the Cloud Palace and he was more than happy to agree.

“See you soon, then, Kū! Say hi to Rainbow Dash and BB-8 from me. And you,” Karé turned to him, her pleasant smile turning into a shark-like one within a heartbeat. “Get your act together, and give me a call sometimes. My sprog isn’t that funny yet, so I might use someone else’s children drama to cheer myself up.”

After they returned, Kū wanted to go chase BB-8 around the garden and Poe obliged with a sense of relief, wondering only briefly where did children take their wild energy from. Tearing a cauliflower into florets and throwing them on the boiling water, he was replaying the conversation with Karé in his head, arguing with her mutely. This – attraction, or whatever it was – wasn’t wrong solely because of Muran, even though it was hard to shake off the feeling of disloyalty. Apart from all other things, like the fact that Jones was his social councillor and easily ten years his junior, for example, there was also Poe’s head and his heart, malfunctioning and probably broken beyond repair. To love someone with these, Poe reasoned with himself, stirring the sauce, seemed just unfair. If only the head and the heart got the message.

“Can I have a yogurt?”

“Oh Jesus, Kū, you scared me! No no, it’s fine.” He forced out a smile, seeing her face drop. “I was just thinking about something.”

“That you are in trouble? Don’t be sad, it will be okay, because you have friends,” Kū said, and reached out. “I can help too! High five?”

“High five.” He clapped on her hand. “Thank you, kiddo. And now, how about we eat pasta first, and yogurt later? Okay, great, can you help me with the plates then, please?”

Kū set the table and he served the pasta, observing briefly how smooth it all went. A few weeks ago Kū would be terrified to do something wrong, and now she just did everything calmly and surely, and didn’t even flinch when a fork fell on the ground – she just put it in the sink and took a new one without as much as a look at Poe. It could be like this, he thought, watching her jabbing her noodles with the fork and blowing at them loudly, and it would be good, wouldn’t it.

Of course it was when his phone rang, displaying _Jones Foster Centre_ across the screen.

“Hello, Mr Jones,” he said, and congratulations to him, he didn’t even sound as if he was suddenly frozen with his heart thumping in his throat. Which he was.

“Good afternoon, Mr Dameron. Can we talk for a while now? There are some things that we need to discuss.” True to his word, Jones didn’t call from the supply closet this time; he sounded like professionalism incarnate, and Poe could make out other voices in the background. However, Jones also sounded serious – or worried even, and Poe didn’t like it at all.

“Sure. Is it about school?”

“No, actually – Kū’s father’s health has improved enough for him to take on the parental visits, and –”

“What?” Poe whispered, looking at Kū who was watching him with huge eyes. “No,” he added louder, more determined. “No way.”

“And I’m calling to inform you as early as possible, to make necessary arrangements,” Jones continued, as if he hadn’t heard Poe’s protests. Motioning at Kū to resume eating, Poe left the table and went to his bedroom, still too shocked to say something else than _no_ all over again. “Mr Dameron, are you there? Is everything all right?”

“Nothing is all right,” Poe hissed, closing the door with his foot. “What are you even thinking, suggesting a meeting with that bastard? First he doesn’t care about her at all, hurts her so that she must be taken away and is scared senseless _weeks_ after –”

“Mr Dameron, please calm down.”

“And then what, I invite him for tea and a little chit-chat about baby care? Just – no way.” He took a deep breath and swallowed, realising how dry his throat was. “I will not put Kū through this.”

“Mr Dameron, you do realise that visiting biological parents is a crucial element of foster care system which allows to re-built the attachment,” Jones said after a while, with the cadence of a phrase recited from memory, “and in most cases are highly beneficial to the child?”

“Even if the biological parents don’t give a shit about the child, unless they can kick her?” Poe all but sneered.

“Yes, even then.” There was a pause, or maybe Jones said something Poe didn’t hear over the sound of blood drumming in his ears. “You were aware from the very beginning that the visits are just a matter of time, Mr Dameron,” Jones said calmly, and Poe wanted to yell at him just to break him out of his professional shell. “It’s not like you can prevent them, you can only make them easier or more difficult for everyone involved.”

“I – what? Look, you, you promised that you won’t take her away. You promised,” he repeated, suddenly feeling betrayed and dizzy with anger. He sat down heavily, closing his eyes. “And now you want her to – to _reunite_ with someone who hurt her like this. Why?”

“They both need a chance to build a thriving relation.”

“Thriving relation… Seriously? He doesn’t deserve anything! Whose side are you even on?!” Poe demanded, gripping his phone as if he was to break it in half.

“Kū’s,” Jones said with a quiet sigh, and with that something in Poe’s head snapped. He wasn’t angry anymore, he was just terrified and lost, and for the first time in long weeks, completely lonely. “I am always on her side, and everything I do is with her best interest in mind, you know that.” There was a sudden noise in the background, several voices discussing something or maybe arguing, and Poe could hear Jones’ muffled reply. “Mr Dameron, I’m afraid I have to go now, but we need to talk this through as soon as possible, I cannot stress that enough. Please e-mail me with the times you’ll be available without Kū present and, please, don’t talk to her before we discuss this. Mr Dameron?”

“Yeah, yes, okay. I’ll – I won’t talk to her,” he said numbly. “I’ll send you the times.”

“We stay in touch then.” With that Jones disconnected, and Poe let his hand with the phone drop as if it had weighted a ton. He couldn’t form a coherent thought, overwhelmed by his own emotional reaction. He had to get back to the kitchen, eat his pasta, and then maybe play ponies or help with writing the letter, or just hang out in the same room as Kū did, but he didn’t have the power in him to get up and go to her. I’m so unprepared for this, he thought, and never did it sound truer to him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay now, I sorta feel like a human version of an overcooked dumpling. I'm sorry I've left you guys hanging, but in the last months my RL has been pretty demanding and I just couldn't focus on writing. But hey, things have calmed down and they should stay so for a while (until February at least, or maybe March, who knows when my exams and thesis defense will be, certainly not me), so here goes an update. I have a strong commitment to finish this story in 2018 so please bear with me guys, and please keep your fingers crossed. 
> 
> Anyways, here we go. 
> 
> Also, just so you know: thank you for hanging out there, and for all your nice words and encouragement. It means a lot.

Even after all the talking he did – he could swear he talked with Jones for two hour straight, until his ear was welded to his skull, and then he had serious heart-to-heart with Kū – Poe still didn’t feel ready at all when Jones’ colleague, a Ms Nines, arrived to take Kū for the visit. Ms Nines reminded Poe of Ms Phasma in a way, with her straightforward manner and to-the-point comments. She allowed him to check Kū’s seat, and said nothing at the backpack stuffed with the pony, the dinosaur, and the invisibility cloak.

“We shall be back before two thirty,” she said, and cleared her throat meaningfully. Poe startled, but withdrew from the car, making one last tug at Kū’s seatbelt. “Please don’t project your nervousness onto the child.”

“I’m not nervous. We’re fine, right, Kū?” He forced a smile at her, but she was just staring blankly at the front window, squeezing Rainbow Dash so hard that it could break in two. “Yeah, so. Drive safely, and uh. Yeah. Have fun.”

Kū looked like she might burst into tears any moment now, and Ms Nines looked entirely unimpressed. It was so heart-breaking that Poe was actually morbidly glad when they drove away and he hated himself for it. He should have been more mature and responsible about all this; he should have reassured Kū more; he should have offered his place for the visit. It’s not like he didn’t think about this, didn’t read up on this, didn’t understand Jones’ subtle goading – but stars above, he couldn’t force himself to that. The house was a safe haven, for Kū just as much as for him, and Poe couldn’t bring himself to compromise it by having her father here.

But he wasn’t the total asshole here, was he – he put a lot of effort to stop calling the man names in his head, convinced by Jones that it would show. He helped Kū prepare as best as he could, talked her through the plan of the visit, and packed her toys which could not only entertain her, but allow her to play with her father too. It wasn’t ideal, Poe knew – he spent two nights reading on how he should facilitate and support the visits, and help with reconnecting of the birth family, and it made his heart thump and his stomach lurch. He felt as if he’d already lost Kū and hadn’t helped her with leaving, both at the same time.

There was a number of mind-numbing activities he’d planned for the time of the visit, to keep himself occupied, but now he couldn’t bring himself to mow the lawn or fold the laundry. Instead he wandered around the house, picking up crayons and papers, and stuffed animals, and building block strewn on the floor. He put them away in Kū’s room, scaring BB-8 away from Kū’s bed in the process. It felt awfully familiar, he realised when he went back to the living room, now free of any toys and colourful clutter. The thought made him livid at himself, but there he was, already dealing with the inevitable.

Still, Poe all but jumped when his phone rang – he took it out with slightly trembling fingers even if he knew that it couldn’t be about Kū, that they barely had time to arrive to her father’s house. But the number he saw on his screen didn’t make his hands shiver any less. Poe stared at it for a moment before he picked up, the generic melody still ringing in his ears.

“Hi,” he said, before he could think, “is everything all right with her?”

“Absolutely,” Jones replied after a short pause. In the background Poe could hear rumble of crowds and a distant tinny voice apologising for the train delay. “Victoria Nines is one of our best caseworkers, she has years of experience under her belt – she will keep Kū safe and sound, I promise.” There was a sheepish quality to his voice, which reminded Poe of their previous conversation. _I would take her myself but I, uh, I can’t drive_ , Jones had said and it seemed to truly bother him. “How are you?”

“I packed her all the stuff, the cloak and everything, and I explained to Ms Nines how to use it,” Poe said quickly, closing his eyes. The noise in the background made it so different from their previous conversation in Jones’ office. “Kū still was nervous, but we’ve talked a lot, and–”

“No,” Jones interrupted with the slightest huff to his voice. Underground stairs, Poe realised absently. “I mean – how are _you_?”

“Me? Fine,” he replied on reflex, and it felt morbidly familiar too. “Seriously, I’m okay.”

“You don’t sound okay,” Jones huffed, “you sound crushed, man. Even worse than the last time.” He must have made it out of the underground station, because Poe could hear blaring of car horns, and beeping of traffic lights. When Jones spoke next, his voice was almost drowned in the noise. “Have you talked with someone? Or…”

“Yeah, I have.” It wasn’t even a lie, he talked to Karé over the phone and she started to cry on him and it freaked them both out a little. While it took his mind off from the problem at hand for a while, it probably wasn’t what Jones had in mind. “There isn’t much to talk about, though, is there. I mean, Kū’s going to be okay, and you said yourself that rebuilding the relationship with her father is important, and–”

“Oh man,” Jones said slowly, “you’re mourning her loss already, aren’t you.”

For a moment Poe could hear only the street noises and the beating of his own heart in his throat.

“It’s not like that,” he managed finally, but it lacked conviction. It was a relief that they were talking over the phone; Poe didn’t want to imagine himself squirming under Jones’ watchful stare. “But I should have known better, I knew from the start that this was a temporary arrangement and I just – I just made it harder for everyone involved.”

“Bullshit.” In the sudden silence the irritation in Jones’ voice is perfectly audible. “Believe me, no child has it harder because they are loved – it’s the other way round. Hey, are you there? You all right?”

“I am fine,” Poe repeated, and it cost him almost everything to keep his voice steady. He wanted to disconnect, to crawl somewhere and hurt with his eyes dry and his throat tight. When he’d started to get his life together after the accident, he’d promised himself to never do this again, for anyone – and yet, here he was. “It’s – it’s nice of you to call, but there is no need to worry. Really, I am – fine.”

“You are the world’s worst liar,” Jones said, and he was still angry, but Poe didn’t care. He couldn’t let himself care, because he understood now, with a painful intake of breath, that when Kū would disappear from his life, Jones would too. It was funny how the thought didn’t occur to him, until now. “Look, I want to help – I promised you I would and I’ll keep my word if you let me.”

You brought her father into this, Poe wanted to say, but didn’t. You told me you’ll help me keep her, and then sent her to her father. You said you had only her best interest in mind, but she had nightmares again because of this.

He didn’t say any of this aloud, but it seemed that Jones picked it up nevertheless. The line went quiet for a while, save for an odd car wheezing in the background.

“I can’t make any promises, it’s too early for that – it’s just the first visit,” he said finally, and Poe felt his mouth twitch bitterly. _Of course_ , he didn’t say. “But Kū is happy with you, and she wants to stay with you, and I’ll make sure everyone knows that, when the time comes.” It was meant to be reassuring, but somehow the words sounded rather ominous, especially given the pause after them. “But you – Mr Dameron,” Jones added, and Poe could swear that he was about to call him something else, and despite all this turmoil Poe wanted to know what that was. “You don’t get to give up like this, do you understand? You can’t just withdraw from everything you built, you can’t–” Jones’ words became urging, tumbling out too quickly, and Poe grasped the phone tighter, as if it could make him hear them better. He relaxed his grip only when Jones paused for a moment, his breath loud in the receiver. “Sorry, I – oh hell, man, just please don’t act stupid, and – and call me if you need to talk, okay? Promise me you’ll call.”

“I promise,” he said quietly, shocked by Jones’ outburst. The sigh of relief on the other side was perfectly audible, and it made him forget his anger. “But really, I’m–”

“Don’t.” Poe could hear a long, buzzing sound of doorbell, and then Jones said, quickly and quietly, “I need to go now, but we’ll make it work. Let me know how you both are, afterwards.”

Jones disconnected before Poe could reply, but he wasn’t sure if he’d say anything anyway. Talking with Jones via phone always left him confused, but today it was even more unsettling; his obvious worry and care belied the cool, impartial attitude he presented earlier, in the office. It could mean – a lot of things, Poe reasoned with himself, thinking back to the late-evening calls, walks to the park, conversations in the supply closet, it could mean anything. And it shouldn’t raise a tumble of erratic, hopeful, half-formed thoughts in Poe’s head as it did. Finnegan Jones was a good man, he told himself sternly, and it was what mattered.

He ended up folding the laundry, after all, combing through the conversation with Jones in search of any hidden meanings and reproaching himself for it at the same time. When Ms Nines’ car stopped in front of his house and he went to meet Kū, his head was still full of cute, unrealistic scenarios of them meeting under absolutely different circumstances which would allow Poe to sweep Jones off of his feet with his wit, charm, and many talents.

“I think it went very well for the first visit,” Ms Nines observed, helping Kū out of the car. “She was very calm and well-behaved, and the interaction with her father was positive.” She reached to her bag, produced a thin folder and handed it to Poe. “Here you have additional reading about possible reactions to visits and stress-related behaviour. Please familiarise yourself with these materials and report to your caseworker straightaway if you observe anything out of order about the child in your care.”

“Well, Kū seems rather unnaturally subdued,” Poe said, his clipped words mocking Ms Nines’ official tone. Maybe it was unfair – even Jones sounded like an IVR when he was at his desk – but the way she talked about Kū as if she wasn’t standing right there and listening was just nasty.

“Emotional fatigue is to be expected,” Ms Nines replied, closing her bag with a snap. “Please read through the file and consult your caseworker if necessary.”

Poe ignored her as she got into her car, and knelt in front of Kū, who was waiting patiently on the pavement. At the first glance there was nothing wrong with her, but Poe knew better. _Subdued_ didn’t even begin to cover it – she was sad and afraid, and it was fortunate that Ms Nines drove off already because she most probably would not like the things Poe wanted to tell her.

“Hey, little one,” he said, putting the folder aside and reaching out, palm up. Kū looked at him with wide eyes, and grabbed his hand tightly with both of her own. “You were so very, very brave there.” He covered her hands with his other palm and squeezed lightly. “You are the bravest person I know,” he said, and with a hint of surprise he realised that it wasn’t even a lie. “I have some strawberry jelly for you, and then you can tell me about the visit if you want.”

The strawberry jelly did a lot to improve Kū’s mood, but it didn’t make her volunteer much information about the visit. Poe asked her a few direct questions and learned that dad was nice and they were mostly talking and working on colouring books, and that dad took the pictures with himself because they were pretty and he wanted to pin them to his walls. It wasn’t what Poe expected – though, to be fair, his expectations weren’t very clear – but it seemed, all in all, rather positive.

“How about we finish the letter for the Beard Man and post it today? Have you chosen the pictures yet?” he asked, thinking of something to do. He didn’t want just sit here and build block houses to the background noises of Little Ponies or go to the park playground to chat with Ms Nunb the younger; a need to do something else than usual, to break the rhythm was irking under his skin. Jones’ reproach, _You are mourning her loss already_ , ringed in his head, but he dismissed it, smiling at Kū as she produced a stack of papers from a cardboard folder.

“I don’t know,” she said, spilling them on the table. “They don’t fit in the envelope. How many can I send?”

“As many as you want, kiddo – I have a bigger envelope somewhere here,” he said, digging in his own desk and fishing out a thick brown envelope, used once for carrying documents but clean otherwise. “Here you go, all the pictures should fit. Do you have the letter?”

Kū nodded, and procured it out of her folder with care. She took writing the letter very seriously, making him write rows and rows of pencil doodles and letters for her to practice on, and when she set on to trace the shapes on the actual letter, Poe wondered how the paper did not crumble under the weight of her concentration. It had to be a _real letter_ – Kū insisted – so it started with a _Hello Beard Man_ , and went on explaining that she was grateful for the short movie and thus was sending her pictures in return. And the glorious conclusion was her own signature, which she was to make without any pencil traces or Poe’s help. The letter was almost done, Kū only had to trace the last sentence and sign it; the thick pen in her grip almost squeaked, and Poe couldn’t but smile at that. He didn’t plan it earlier, but he felt a sudden urge to write a few words to his old man too. He managed to scribble only a few words – it wasn’t even a letter, just a side comment about Kū’s dedication to the project – when he heard a thud and the whole table jumped in place.

“Hey – hey, Kū, what happened?”  he asked, as she threw the pen and pushed all papers, her letter included, off of the table. “What’s wrong, kiddo?”

“It’s ugly! I spoiled it!” she shouted, trying to get away from the table and the letter. Poe picked it up and saw that the signature was askew, not as pristine as the tracked-on letters, but still perfectly legible. “Throw it away!”

“No way, it’s a fine letter and we must send it! You did great job here…”

“It’s ugly, I don’t want it!” She tugged the paper out of his hand and tore it in half before he could stop her. “I’m going to my fortress!”

Poe wanted to go after her as she stomped away, but he knew from experience that there was no reasoning with her now, and no consoling her. He made sure that she didn’t hurt herself and indeed went to her fortress – even if it pained him to listen to her muffled weeping – and he let her cry her pains out. They would talk later on and mend the letter or rewrite it; he should probably call and talk to Jones now, or read Ms Nines’ pamphlets at least. But Poe had enough talking in the last days, and – mourning or not – he had to do something else, something that would keep his mind off from Kū’s father and Jones’, well, Jones’ everything. And he even knew what. With a sigh and a quiet curse he stood up and went to the garage. He would wait here for a moment, getting used to the thought, but then, well, then he’d come and take Kū out for a ride.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, guys, I know I am the worst at updating this. I remember about you, and your lovely feedback, and it makes me happy even though I am not in my best place at the moment. But hey, is there anything better to cheer you up that someone else's family drama?   
> No, I don't think so either ;)

“You didn’t call,” said Jones by way of a greeting, clearly not amused. He must have received Poe’s e-mail (well, _technically_ it was an e-mail; in fact it said _All under control, talk to you on Thursday_ , but Poe wasn’t telling his sob stories through Jones’ professional mailbox) or he’d probably call himself. Poe believed he would. “I was worried.”

“I didn’t want to disturb you in your free time,” Poe said, and it was quite true – he realised it when he wanted to call Jones at eleven in the evening at the day of the visit and stopped himself only after he actually dialled. It earned him an honest-to-god scoff and a protesting _Seriously, man_ , but Poe just shook his head and added, “Besides, it didn’t feel right to talk about it over the phone.”

That got Jones’ attention – his face went from frowning to focused in a heartbeat. A small part of Poe’s mind registered the change and relished in it.

“What do you mean?”

“I think – well, I think it would be better if you talked to Kū first.” Letting Jones into the living room, Poe tugged at his hair, but let his hand drop under Jones’ stare. “No, nothing is wrong, just – just talk to her, okay?”

Kū was playing with BB-8 when they entered, throwing a squeaking rubber mouse and snatching it from the cat’s claws with a surprising amount of noise. BB-8 seemed unsure whether she actually liked the mouse or was afraid of it, and jumped around on stiff legs with her tail ruffled. Fun times stopped abruptly though when they saw Poe with Jones in tow; Kū squeezed the mouse which let out a nasty pipsqueak and BB-8 hid under a sofa with a hiss. Well, Poe thought, it didn’t bode well.

Sitting down on the floor, Jones greeted Kū and started to ask her some general questions in his usual child-whisperer manner, and she muttered some replies looking mostly at her toes. Unsure as if he was expected to leave or stay, Poe hovered in the door, listening to the exchange. He hoped that Jones saw what the problem was and why it would be so hard to explain it over the phone. Kū wasn’t exactly sad or nervous, or scared; and yet, she seemed to be constantly on edge, as if waiting for something to happen.

But Jones didn’t ask her about the visit; instead, they talked about the quiche Kū helped with yesterday and then Poe splendidly burned, and about the letter to the Beard Man which was carefully taped together and sent off by Kū’s own hand, and the new orange sneakers which were to be worn only indoors, because they were ‘school shoes’ and needed to stay dust-free.

“And they have a butterfly inside,” Kū explained seriously, “to match my feet.”

“Huh? What do you mean?” Poe didn’t quite manage to stifle a snort at the surprise in Jones’ tone, and Kū startled and gave him a wide-eyed look. “Can you show me the butterflies?”

“Yes,” she said, but then looked up to Poe. He nodded, and she clambered up to her feet and ran to her room.

“She’s edgy as hell,” Jones muttered as soon as she was out of the earshot. “It isn’t exactly a surprise, but it’s worse than I expected. Is it like this all the time?”

“Mostly, yeah.” Poe came closer and squatted down, not quite looking Jones in the eye but not quite looking away, either. As if on cue, BB-8 decided to leave her hideout under the sofa and started to rub against his shin and butt her head at his knee. “She acts worse than a month ago.”

“Visits can be… confusing.” It was Jones who looked away, and Poe couldn’t but wonder whether he spoke from his experience as a counsellor or a kid in the system. “Especially in Kū’s case, because she didn’t have much chance to build an emotional connection with her father. She doesn’t know what to expect,” he said, looking up, as if it explained everything.

_Well, I don’t know either_ , Poe almost said, but didn’t, since Kū came in with a sneaker in each hand. They were even more vivid than Poe remembered, and Jones must have thought so too, judging by his rapid blinking.

“Look inside, Mr Jones, it’s a half of a butterfly here,” Kū said, raising the shoe to Jones’ face, “and the other half’s here. And if I put them together, there’s a whole butterfly, and I can match the shoes to my feet.” The demonstration was complete, including putting on the sneakers and fastening with a loud crunch of the Velcro tapes.

Jones showed his appreciation and asked a few questions about school. If he was surprised that Kū and Poe already visited the school playground, and traveling by car at that, he didn’t show it. But then he asked if anything else happened this week and Kū paused, eyes going wide again.

“I was on a visit with my father,” she announced in a serious tone which sounded like Ms Nines, and then glanced quickly at Poe. He nodded and smiled encouragingly, hoping it was a good reaction.

“That’s some big news,” Jones said evenly, as if the news wasn’t actually that big. “Was it fun?”

After a brief moment, Kū nodded. “We played with Rainbow Dash and Mr Dino, but the voices weren’t good.” Poe recognized this accusation, because his voices were never good, either – which meant that, when playing, he couldn’t conjure phrases as full of friendship and magic as they were in the cartoon. Now he didn’t even try to pretend that he wasn’t happy about Kū’s father apparent lack of skills in _voices_. “And he took my drawing with Princess Celestia, because it was very pretty. But he didn’t want the drawing with BB-8, because cats make him sneeze,” she added in an afterthought, with a hint of surprise to her voice.

What a loser, Poe thought, supressing a self-satisfied grin, and reached out to scratch BB-8.

“And what do you make of Kū’s father?” Jones asked as soon as Kū went to her room to put the sneakers away and bring her newest sloth drawings to show off.

“You know very well what I think of it – he makes her nervous, that much is obvious, and it disrupts everything we’ve build over these months, and… What?” He paused, seeing Jones’ frown.

“That’s some serious complaints,” Jones said slowly, “after one visit. Especially as you didn’t meet with the man, Mr Dameron.”

“Not that again.” Poe covered his eyes and barely stifled a groan. “I told you, I can’t just go there and act like everything is normal, not when he–” He paused abruptly, unsure how to continue. _When he will just take Kū away_ didn’t seem an appropriate thing to say. “I know I should be better about it, but I can’t bring myself to.”

“It’s good that you know it, at least,” Jones said, but he didn’t sound happy at all. “Makes it easier to work on it. I brought you more materials on parental visitations,” he added, taking a thick stack out of his suitcase and pushing towards Poe. There were booklets and printouts, and a worn-out book marked with a rainbow of index cards. Poe felt his throat tighten at the familiar sight of it. “Go through it and we’ll discuss it before the next visit. Now, don’t make these faces at me,” Jones shook his head. “You must understand how crucial it is, Mr Dameron.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” muttered Poe without much conviction. It took a lot from him to stop himself from touching the index cards.

He eyed the materials suspiciously during the rest of the visit, feeling a strong objection growing within him. It was not fair, he thought, watching Kū wrangling her drawings into a folder. It shouldn’t happen like this, not now, when she is so _mine_.

“I hope that you will become more reasonable about the visits,” Jones said in his way back, as if he read Poe’s mind. “Don’t hesitate to call me if you need to discuss something.”

“I’d never hesitate to call you,” Poe said before his mind caught up with his mouth. He stopped himself from clapping his hand over his mouth only by the sheer power of will.

“That’s… That’s just as well.” There was a confused frown on Jones’ face, but it quickly got replaced by the usual smile. “Please don’t take this matter lightly, Mr Dameron. I know that at this point it seems – a nuisance, at the very least. But we need to give Kū a chance to build a relationship with her father.” He paused for a while, and the smile disappeared. “No child suffers for being loved,” he added, much quieter, more to himself than to Poe, it seemed.

After Jones left, Poe eyed the stack of materials but decided to leave them for now, which left him with mixed feelings. There was some avoidance in that, true, but he knew that now he’d just thumb through Jones’ book without actually reading it, like a lovestruck teen. Which was, as Karé would put it, _eew, creepy as hell_.

“Kū, do you want to go out for a ride?” he called instead, looking out into the garden. She was crouching on the grass, utterly focused, and watched a grasshopper wandering up a bush branch. After a long while she tried to catch it, but it jumped away, chirping loudly. “Hey, little one, don’t be so sad,” he said, seeing her pout. “You’ll meet the cricket again, we can hear him in the garden every evening, right? Now, how about that ride?”

“To school?”

“Yeah,” he said sheepishly, running hand through his hair. Probably he should offer a more exciting destination – their usual grocery store or the library – but he didn’t dare, not yet. “We can walk on the wall and say hi to the cats there from BB-8.”

“I’ll bring the snacks!” Kū exclaimed with a smile, and she suddenly looked happier that she was during the whole week. There was a bunch of cats living near the school, spending the afternoons taking sunbaths on the short wall around the yard. No wonder that Kū liked the place immediately, especially after the cats started to flock around her and eat the cat snacks she brought.

It was probably the idea of visiting the cats that made Kū bear his fussing with the car seat with so much patience. He inspected each belt and harness at least twice, even though he did exactly the same thing yesterday, and the day before. Paranoid as it was, Poe wasn’t taking any chances. Finally though Kū was seated and he drove out of the garage, eyes fixed on the rear view mirror.

“Okay, kiddo,” he muttered, taking a long exhale and loosening his grip on the wheel. “Your turn now. Tell me a story, please. The one about Princess Celestia’s naughty sister.”

He forced himself not to look at her when she took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, readying herself for her task. The idea came in a rare stroke of genius, and in the last few days it worked surprisingly well. When Kū talked to him – or muttered something loudly enough, or sung under her breath – he felt almost normal, and focused enough to drive these few blocks to school and back. And if he learned quite a lot about some ponies’ royal pedigree in the process, well then, it was only a plus.

“A long ago there were two princesses, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna,” Kū began and Poe smiled at the serious cadence of her voice. “They were sisters and they ruled the kingdom of ponies together, and they both were good.”

“I thought the other princess was naughty,” Poe said, slowing down and waving at an elderly couple, gesturing them to go over the crossing. They shot him a funny look and he couldn’t blame them; the pace at which he moved was plainly ridiculous. “Didn’t she fight with Rainbow Dash and her friends?”

“No, that was later! She was a nice pony at first, but then she was afraid that everyone liked Princess Celestia more, and she became angry.”

“Jealous,” Poe muttered, glancing at her. “When you are upset or angry that someone has something you don’t have, or that someone likes other people more than you, it means you are jealous. Like Princess Luna. It’s not very nice,” he explained, and then added, more to himself, “It looks like I should watch the ponies more closely, shouldn’t I.”

“Yes! We can watch together!” Kū fidgeted in her seat, apparently thrilled by the perspective. “And then we can play and you can do voices! You can be Princess Luna,” she said graciously, as if she just bestowed a great favour upon him. “She is big and has curly dark hair, so it’s okay, even if you don’t have a pony.”

“Thank you, little one,” he said, remembering how Iolo was compared to Princess Celestia during the garden party. Hopefully Kū wouldn’t require him to dye his hair purple; the beard was a sacrifice enough. “But what happened next, when Princess Luna got jealous? Did she fight with her sister?”

“Yes, and then she had to go and live on the moon,” Kū explained, and went into detailed story of princesses, nightmares, and some magical necklaces or crystals or other similar items; the sheer number of ponies involved made him blink in surprise.

Poe exhaled through his nose and turned the wheel, rousing the car from the crawl to a normal speed. He could do this; the school was just a few blocks away, and Kū would talk him through it.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am still kicking, folks. And so is this fic.  
> Now get ready for some pickles!

If Karé was surprised by his offer, she was gracious enough not to show it – or, knowing her, she was actually just curious. She was waiting on the balcony when they arrived, wrapped in her beloved varsity jacket against the drizzle, and she gave Poe a thumbs-up as soon as he left the car. Had he a free hand, he would give himself a thumbs-up too. It was raining, but he made it and he wasn’t even too distracted, because Kū was singing Care Bears songs all the way. She treated her role as car entertainment provider very seriously.

“This is for you, it’s a cake,” Kū explained, thrusting the box she was carrying in Karé’s hands. “It has apples and chocolate, and I did it myself!”

“I also brought some quality pickles,” Poe muttered, struggling with Kū’s rain boots and her backpack at the same time. “You know, for the baby.”

“You know I hate vinegar,” Karé said with a sigh, shaking head at his grin. “And if you say a word about eating them with peanut butter, I’m going to puke on your boots.”

“Yuck!” Kū shot Karé a disgusted look. “BB-8 puked on my slippers once, and it was ugly! You can’t do that!”

“Okay, I promise. As long as you keep the pickles away from me,” she added to Poe under her breath.

In comparison to his own house, Karé’s flat– though smaller – seemed much more spacious and designed as a place for comfort and relaxation. It was also filled with cushions of various shapes and sizes which, to Kū’s delight, were perfect material to build a pony castle. Poe watched her for a moment, absent-mindedly fishing out the pickles out of the jar with his fingers.

“It actually smells edible. The cake, I mean,” Karé said, giving him a fork and a pointed look.

“Well, duh. Kū made it.” He ignored the fork just because he could mess with her like that; because it was something he would have done all these months ago, before the accident. It was oddly satisfying. “I just handled the part with the oven and I swear it’s not raw inside.”

“It shows.” Karé torn off the burnt crust and ate the rest with an appreciative hum. “It’s almost too good to be true, but there must be a logical explanation. Seriously,” she added after a moment, as he didn’t take the bait. “You came all the way without any drama to share? Just to see me? Why, I am deeply touched.”

“Yeah, actually,” he said, and munched the picked cucumber as loudly as possible. “We can watch the cooking show you like, or you can spill all the secrets you know about Iolo’s wild crush, or whatever.”

Karé leaned over the table to swat his shoulder. “You truly are a pod person now,” she decided, and took another piece of cake. “And Iolo’s crush isn’t wild anymore, it’s a serious relationship now. I’ve met the girl, Aneke, and she’s very charming – well, the artistic sort of charming, and I have a strong suspicion that they text each other in verse, but…”

“You can’t be serious,” Poe said, mock-horrified. “Our Iolo? The same Iolo who only ever wanted to meet this sensible girl with a nice smile? The very one who argued that a date in the Burger King at the station was a great idea, because their shakes are good and it’s easy to catch the bus home?”

“Yep. It’s kind of cute, you know. Romantic.” She shook her head with a soft smile, and her eyelids fluttered. “It’s like he met his other half that he never knew he was missing…” Her voice suddenly became wobbly.

“Hey, but it’s a good thing, right?” He reached out to squeeze her hand.

“Of course it’s a good thing! I’m just happy that after all this shit you all are coming around… Oh my god, no way, I’m not crying over you two fuckwits!” Karé wiped at her eyes irritably, and then looked over at Kū. “Oops, sorry. Just – put on the Master Chef or something. But not the junior one, the kids are too adorable,” she added in a warning tone.

Poe put on the Master Chef, made some tea and made himself comfortable, listening to Karé destroying the participants and the hosts alike with her running commentary. It was even funnier now, as she tried to curb her language. After a while Kū, tired of wrangling the cushions, joined them and watched the cooking with a serious frown on her face. Poe stabbed a pickle with his abandoned fork and offered it to her.

“Thank you,” Kū said unprompted, took a bite, and made a face. “I don’t like it, it smells funny.”

“It does, right, Kū?” Karé nodded sagely, and then turned to Poe. “Just how did you end up with such a clever and well-behaved girl is beyond me… Oh no, look at this halfwit, just look at him! And what do you think you’re going to do now, genius? Grill the burgers with a hairdryer!?”

“He can grill them in the oven,” Kū suggested as she gave the cucumber back to Poe. “He is big enough to use it.”

“Somehow I am not sure,” Karé muttered, and then let out a deep sigh. “But I would kill for a decent burger right now.”

And that’s how Poe ended up pacing the tiny space of Betty’s Burgers, waiting for his order to be completed. Kū was very calm and agreeable when Karé suggested that they both stay behind and have some girl fun together, but he was still nervous that she might have changed her mind when he was already away. She might have stayed alone for a while with Mr Jones or during library reading sessions, but Poe was always close and now, the visit at her father’s might have scared her, and… Poe was mere seconds away from calling Karé – her jabs at his overprotectiveness be damned – when he saw a new e-mail alert on his phone, with the date of the next visit. Of-fucking-course.

Poe didn’t speed back to Karé’s flat, but only just.

“Hey man, long time!” It was Bastian who opened the door, a huge smile on his face. “I finally got to meet your baby girl, and – shit, what happened?”

“Nothing,” Poe said, forcing himself to smile, and handed Bastian the paper bags with burgers. He peeked into the living room, where Kū was getting her hair braided with a purple ribbon, clearly not bothered by Bastian’s presence. “Just some stuff with the foster office, you know. Papers.”

Even though he was a good guy through and through – to the point that Poe sometimes asked himself, how he and Karé could stand each other in the long run – Bastian hated papers and office clerks who made his life an endless nightmare, or so he claimed. Poe ate his burger, listened to a story or three about merciless vampires working in the international freight bureau, and admired the hairdo of a true princess which Karé produced on Kū’s head. The irritation drained from him, at least a bit.

“How was she, when I left?” he asked quietly, as Kū went to admire herself in the tall mirror in the hall.

“Fine, seriously.” Karé grabbed one of Bastian’s fries and dumped it in her sauce. “You didn’t have to fret that much, she’s a brave little thing. But you did well too,” she allowed, and then turned to Bastian. “I was sure he’d call as soon as he stopped at Betty’s, but he didn’t call at all!”

“I wouldn’t, I’m not that paranoid,” Poe lied and hoped it sounded convincing.

“No, but seriously, you must find yourself a babysitter,” Bastian said, pushing his fries towards Karé. “The sooner the better.”

“Yeah, there’s no skipping parties once you’re back in the office, and you know it. Besides, I’d need you to bring in all the juicy gossip when I’ll be, uh, otherwise occupied.” Karé made a gesture of lulling a baby to sleep.

Despite Poe’s protests, Karé walked them out to the car, walking slowly on the slippery stairs. She handed him the half-empty jar of pickles with a pointed look, but he wasn’t fooled. He took it with a smile, and then she leaned towards him to whisper into his ear.

“I meant what I said about the gossip. And it includes you and your problem, you know.”

“I don’t have a problem,” he hissed, clutching the pickle jar as if it was to defend him. “I mean, there’s nothing to talk about, I told you already,” he added, seeing her raised eyebrows.

“You are the world’s worst liar,” Karé said, and he blinked at the familiar phrase in such a different delivery. “I wish you at least talked to the guy.”

“I wish I could,” he said, quietly and sincerely. Then he saluted with the pickles and entered the car before she could question him even more.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi folks. Yeah, it's me, 100% not dead, albeit transformed into miss_Carrot, PhD. Which is nice, but made me hate writing anything for quite a time. Sorry for the hiatus it caused.
> 
> But! Since I've overcome my writing-phobia, here goes a chapter full of cats. And let us hope that some more chapters will follow soon.
> 
> As always, thank you for being fabulous <3

This week was going to kill him, Poe was sure of that. On Monday he got a huge module to re-calculate and design practically from scratch, as soon as possible of course. On Tuesday Kū went for another visit with her father, and Ms Nines stayed afterwards to lecture him on his attitude towards the visits, his responsibilities as a foster father, and his irresponsible behaviour in general. On Wednesday BB-8 woke him up at 4 AM by throwing up on his blanket, and then he dozed off in the afternoon and burnt the casserole, again. And now, on Thursday, Mr Jones showed up at his door just as usual, and his smile was so goddamn _radiant_ that Poe’s face heated up and his knees went weak, like he was fifteen again. That smile was going to finish the job, he thought, turning to call Kū. Today was a big day – they were going to school together to meet with Kū’s teacher –but it felt like Poe’s brain wasn’t up to speed.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive us?” he asked, risking a glance in Jones’ direction. He was still smiling as he watched Kū put on her sandals, and it didn’t help Poe focus. “With Kū it takes about twenty minutes, I wouldn’t like to keep you too long.”

“Nah, it’s fine – a walk sounds great after a day in the office, you know?” There was a sudden insistence in Jones’ voice which made Poe wonder, but he didn’t object anymore.

He made sure that he got all the essentials: water, a notebook with a working pen and a list of questions, the invisibility cloak and lots of cat snacks. Kū saw the snacks and made a happy twirl, and then faced Jones, glowing with eagerness.

“We are going to visit the cats! They live in the school yard,” she explained, sounding just like a speaker from _Animal Planet_. “There is lots and lots of them!”

“That sounds wonderful,” Jones said, and it sounded like he actually was delighted at the prospect of meeting the cats. Poe felt doomed, which was even more embarrassing, since even in his internal monologues he referred to Jones by his surname, and who even did that outside of period dramas? “I would love to meet them. And what do you think about that, Mr Dameron?”

Poe snapped back to reality, blinking rapidly. Thanks stars above that he prepared a list of questions to ask the teacher, otherwise he might forget why they went to the school in the first place.

“I – yeah, yes, absolutely,” Poe said, trying and probably failing to sound confident. Kū made another happy jump.

“You will like the cats, Mr Jones! They always sleep on the wall, and they are big, bigger than BB-8!”

“No way,” Jones gasped, shaking his head. His attention was focused on Kū, but somehow he managed to catch Poe’s gaze and smile. It made Poe’s knees go wobbly again, and his heart to make this funny flop. It didn’t bode well.

“Yes, and they eat snacks, but you cannot pet them. They are, uh, what are they?” she asked, tugging Poe’s hand.

“Stray, little one,” he said, grateful for the distraction. “We don’t know these cats, they might not be friendly and scratch you, and we don’t want that.”

“We don’t want that,” Kū repeated seriously. “But we want to walk over the wall! Do you want to walk over the wall too, Mr Jones? You must be very careful, but I can show you how.”

Poe let Kū and Mr Jones handle the discussion as they left the house and started their walk towards the school. He interrupted only from time to time with his road-crossing routine. Kū’s happy chattering was a welcome sound; the last visit was less stressful for her and she bounced back to her usual level of talkativeness. Poe listened to her story on how she walked over the wall and avoided falling into the lava pool only due to Rainbow Dash’ timely intervention – unfortunately, Poe’s support in the whole affair went unmentioned – and tried to push away all the pestering thoughts on the ramifications. If Kū started to like his father and if he somehow proved himself to be a normal, responsible person, she’d be taken away from Poe, and then –

“What?” Kū stopped abruptly, and Poe reacted just in time. She looked up at him, confused. “What happened? Are you scared?”

Poe took a deep breath and forced himself to relax and only then he realised he must have squeezed Kū’s hand too much.

“Sorry, little one,” he muttered, turning just so that he couldn’t see Jones’ face. “I just wanted to – look, there is a fluffy dog, it looks just like Artoo at Ms Organa’s party, don’t you think?”

“It’s brown,” Kū said, dismayed at the suggestion of resemblance. “Artoo is white and grey, not brown!”

“Yes, you’re right, kiddo. Okay, let’s cross now and meet the cats – hey, whoa, we need to stop and check the street first, don’t we?”

“Can we go to the cats first?” Kū pleaded as soon as they safely made it to the pavement. “They want to be friends with Mr Jones, can we go, please?”

“Let me just…” His phone was, of course, nowhere to be found. He patted his pockets nervously, but before he started to search through his backpack, he was saved by Jones.

“It’s ten past,” he said, because he wore a watch like a normal adult. “We still have a few minutes, so we can go and say hi, if that’s okay.”

Kū brightened and Jones did too, and the whole scene probably made something vital crash in Poe’s mind. He handed Kū cat snacks and repeated his usual instructions on autopilot, watching her as she went to the wall and chatted up the cats with Jones in tow. They seemed to have fun, judging by their raised voices, and the cats sunbathing on the concrete were as cute as strays could be. Watching them, Poe run a short but intensive internal debate whether to join them. Rationally he knew he shouldn’t – neither of them were his to have – but then he remembered Jones’ frustrated voice accusing him over the phone: _You’re mourning her loss already_. Poe swore under his breath and went over to where Jones and Kū squatted.

“Aren’t they awesome?” Jones whispered without turning his head. He seemed as engaged in the cat-feeding procedure as Kū was, and for a moment Poe regretted that he didn’t have cat snacks for Jones too.

“They look like they want to murder us,” he said instead, and gestured towards a huge grey tabby with a nicked ear. “Look at that guy’s face and tell me you don’t fear for your eyes.”

“Aww, come on! I’m sure he’s nice, he just has this nasty case of bad resting face” Jones protested and stood up. “Had I a little less respect for your parental authority, I would totally try to give belly rubs to all of them.”

“I had no idea you’re such a cat person. I’d rather picture you with a golden retriever or another children-friendly dog.”

“Dogs are great too, but cats are special. A bunch of them lived in the cellars of the orphanage, strays like these,” Jones said with a wistful smile. “We weren’t allowed to play with them, of course, and they were generally minding their own business, but sometimes there would be a friendly fellow in the lot who hung out with us kids. There was this one tabby, when I was almost out of the system – he was small and not very smart, constantly flopping and falling off things. Brilliant YouTube material, let me tell you. If I only had a camera in my phone back then, I’d be famous. I called him Slip.” Jones shrugged, his smile turning sheepish. “I have no idea what happened to him when I left. I know it was just a stray cat, but I still miss him sometimes. Stupid, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know,” Poe said slowly. “My mother had a Siamese called Razz, a true menace, but she loved my mother to bits and followed her everywhere, even when her arthritis was killing her. And I cannot imagine my adult life without BB-8 – she is with me longer than – than anyone. So I get it, really.”

“I wish my landlord wasn’t so strict about animals,” Jones said. “I’d love to have a cat of my own.”

“Don’t worry, Mr Jones,” Kū interjected suddenly, looking up from where she was placing the remains of the snacks along the kerb. “You can always come and play with BB-8, she likes it when you throw the ball.”

“That’s true, she likes you very much,” Poe said, and then, before he managed to turn his brain-to-mouth filter, he added: “So you can always come over if you need a massage, I’m sure she’d be glad to knead you for a bit.”

Jones looked up in surprise, and Poe barely resisted the urge to clap a hand over his mouth. It probably came out as the worst pick-up line in the history of pick-up lines, and to Poe’s embarrassment, it wasn’t even planned. His mind just slipped, just like the cat in Jones’ story.

But instead of switching into his formal mode or getting irritated, Jones flashed him a wide grin.

“That would be too awesome – I mean, just look at this,” he exclaimed, producing a phone from his pocket and tapping at it rapidly. “We’ve been talking about this just yesterday… Here, take a look!”

There was a message from someone called _Peanut_ full of hearts and exclamation marks. The video attached to it said _Cats massage dogs – funny compilation_ , and indeed there were two minutes of kneading cats and chilled dogs, and it all looked rather cute.

“I don’t see a problem,” Poe said as Jones showed the movie to Kū, who appreciated it a lot more. “If you sit in BB-8’s favourite armchair, the kneading is guaranteed. You’d just need to dress for the occasion – the suit would be unsalvageable.”

“Duly noted,” Jones said with a nod, and put his phone away. “Are we ready to go?”

“Yes!” Kū declared, wiping her hands at the back of her leggings. Poe groaned and fished for the wet wipes, Kū protested his attempts at cleaning her hands, Jones stifled his grin and assumed more professional expression, and within a few seconds everything was just as usual.

Except for the part where they shared childhood stories and funny cat videos – yeah, except that. But since Poe was pretending to be a responsible adult and caregiver, he forced himself not to dwell on it as they entered the school and looked for classroom number five.

The door opened just before they approached them and a tiny person emerged. There was no doubt that it was Ms Kanata – a teacher’s air surrounded her even though she reached just above Poe’s elbow.

“Good afternoon,” she said loudly, taking off her glasses and putting on another pair, dangling on a chain around her neck. Suddenly her eyes grew at least three times bigger. “You must be Kū! I am Ms Maz Kanata, and I’ll be your new teacher. Come in, let’s take a look at the classroom, shall we?”

Looking over her shoulder at Poe and seeing him nod, Kū marched into the classroom just behind Ms Kanata. It was a cheerful space with many pictures on the walls and potted plants on the wide windowsills. There were large cork-sheets too, empty for now, which made Poe think about the art gallery growing at home. Judging by her curious stares, Kū liked it too.

On Ms Kanata’s request, both Poe and Jones squeezed themselves onto the tiny chairs, with their knees bumping on the desks while they waited as she showed Kū around. The blackboard with lots of colourful chalk definitely piqued up Kū’s interest, just as the bookcase and the neat row of lockers where children could store their things. Poe watched them and he felt some of the tension he didn’t realise he was holding leave him. It would be a good place for Kū, he was quite certain of it, listening to the gentle but no-nonsense way in which Ms Kanata talked with her.

Suddenly something patted him on the shoulder and Poe all but jumped in place like BB-8 did when something startled her. He turned to see Jones, frozen with his hand up and a terrified expression on his face; there was a somewhat misshapen paper plane laying at Poe’s feet.

“Sorry,” Jones whispered and dropped his hand. “I’m so, so sorry, I wanted to fly it outside, we used to do it as kids, we’d put these SOS messages, and…” He trailed off as Poe took up the plane and assessed it critically. It was a hastily folded clump of paper, bound to take a nosedive as soon as it was set airborne. Poe made an exaggerated headshake and shot Jones a long glance.

“Never succeeded, did you.” It wasn’t a question, but Jones nodded nevertheless, his expression turning sheepish. Poe unfolded the paper and indeed, there was a message inside – _HELP!_ , written in neat block letters. He smiled as he re-folded it and smoothed the creases with his fingernail. A sleek figure of a Harrier with its pointy wings emerged almost without a conscious thought. “Here,” he said, offering the finished plane to Jones. “This one will carry your message.”

“That’s so cool,” Jones breathed, eyes wide, as he took the plane carefully out of Poe’s hands.

“You need to see it fly. This one is a classic.” Poe leaned towards him, suddenly remembering his favourite classes during his whole studies and the hundreds and hundreds of paper airplanes he folded back then. “A Harrier is the perfect balance between the complexity of…”

“Boys!”

They both startled and looked at Ms Kanata, who was giving them an unimpressed stare. What was worse, Kū also watched them with a frown.

“It is not nice to talk in the classroom,” she announced, and somewhat it made Poe much more embarrassed that anything Ms Kanata could have said. “You will get a black flower for it!”

“And can you tell them what you need to do when you get the black flower, Kū?” Ms Kanata prompted, adjusting her glasses.

“You need to apologise to everyone and you can’t be naughty again.”

“We’re sorry!” Jones declared straightaway, and he looked as discomfited as Poe felt. “We won’t do it again, I promise.” He didn’t let go of the paper plane though; he flattened it an put it in between his papers.

“You’d better not, Mr Jones,” Ms Kanata said, and Poe had the notion that she wanted to call Jones something else entirely. “Because we have some serious business to discuss.”

Within a few minutes she had Kū drawing the feared black flowers, and she sat down at the desk adjacent to Poe’s, squinting at the documents Jones spread in front of her and listening to his quick explanations. She took off her glasses and put on the second pair, studied the papers for a while and looked back up at them, her eyes small and round like buttons behind the lenses.

“I can see where you come from,” she said with a huff, changing the glasses yet again. “But if you ask me, Kū will be absolutely fine without any special track. I’ve already raised this to our psychologist so she can monitor Kū’s progress, but – just look at her.” Ms Kanata inclined her head at Kū, who was smearing black crayon all over her paper. Apparently she took Poe and Jones’ punishment very seriously. “She isn’t one to be intimidated by a challenge,” Ms Kanata added after a pause, fixing Poe with a stare.

“Yeah,” he said, squirming under her judgement. “She’s the bravest person I know.”

It seemed to mollify Ms Kanata a bit. She replied to Poe’s questions about lunches and breaks, and supplies, and classes, and Kū’s future friends, everything else without any more glares, but only the exasperated sort of patience typical for old teachers. At some point Kū abandoned the black flowers of shame and joined them, listening carefully and asking if she could bring Rainbow Dash with her. It put Poe at ease, and he said as much, which made Ms Kanata snort loudly.

“All right, homework,” she said, shaking her head. “Kū, you will practice tying shoelaces, just as we discussed, okay? Good. You,” she turned to Jones and frowned over her glasses, “will keep me posted about any issues I should know about, clear?”

“Clear,” Jones muttered, even though it was not clear at all, at least not to Poe. These two apparently had some understanding he was not privy to; he didn’t have time to consider it though, because Ms Kanata looked at him now.

“And you, Mr Dameron – you’ll take this notebook of yours and write down: _I will not be intimidated._ ”

“What?” Poe shook his head, confused. Was it some sort of an exercise? But Ms Kanata didn’t seem to be joking.

“Go on, go on – and now go home and write it a hundred times over,” she said with a sigh. “You’ll show me next time, and if not, you’ll get a whole bunch of black flowers.” Somewhere to his right, Kū gasped in terror. “We really need to get this message across.”

Poe kept his comment to himself, but apparently he didn’t manage to keep the confusion from showing on his face, because both Jones and Ms Kanata kept giving him funny looks. He did his best to ignore them and focus on Kū, who tried to persuade him to visit the cats again as soon as they left the building.

“We’ll come by with new snacks tomorrow, kiddo,” he promised, tugging her away. “Tell me, do you like it here?”

“Yes!”

“But not the cats, little one, the school, and Ms Kanata.” He knelt down and looked at her, trying to keep his face open. “Do you like it?”

Kū nodded, suddenly as solemn as he was, but still visibly excited.

“Yes. There will be other children, and I will learn all the things, and get red flowers!”

“That’s – that’s awesome, kiddo. Just – great.” The relief made his knees a little unsteady, but he managed to get up without making an idiot out of himself. “Now we can go home and start tying the shoelaces.”

“And writing your sentences,” Jones said, not bothering to hide a smile. “Unless you want to get a black flower or ten.” He tucked his documents under his arm, which reminded Poe about the debacle with the paper plane. For a moment he wanted to ask Jones to fly it, just for the fun of it, but curbed it quickly. “How’s your other homework, by the way? Did you read the stuff I lent you?”

“I did, I just forgot the book with me–”

“I’ll get it next time, no worries. I’d rather know if you absorbed the contents,” Jones said with a shrug, but his expression was serious. “And if the authorities of modern child psychology convinced you where I couldn’t.”

“It’s not like that, I believe you,” Poe protested hastily. “I believed you in the first place, but – won’t it just be, I don’t know, confusing for Kū? If she is to get used to her father again, wouldn’t I just get in the way?”

“There’s only one way to find out,” Jones said and inclined his head towards Kū. “You need to ask her what she wants.” As if on cue, Kū, who walked a few steps ahead of them, stopped before the street crossing and looked over her shoulder. “And, you know, not let yourself be intimidated,” he added with a small smile. “Now, I’ll go this way – do your homework, both of you, and I hope to hear good news about the parental visit next week.”

“Yeah,” Poe muttered, nodding a good-bye. “Yeah, me too.”


End file.
